It’s that time of year again, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of an NBA championship and when he desperately represses memories of a mother fucking off-balanced three point shot that bounces on the rim 900 times before elegantly falling through the hoop to mercilessly end all of our hopes and dreams.
Yes, the 76ers are BACK BABY! A slimmed down Joel Embiid! Al Horford using his offensive rebounding prowess for the powers of good and not evil! Awkward photos of Markelle Fultz trying to raise his arms over his head while going down the final drop in Splash Mountain! What a year it’s shaping up to be.
It’s a NEW season and this calls for some BOLD takes, far bolder and newer than last year’s column where I proudly declared Mike Muscala would quickly become a fan favorite in Philadelphia.
So here we go, on the day of the 76ers 2019-2020 season, we have FIFTY BOLD PREDICTIONS for our beloved Sixers:
- Allen Iverson will ring the bell to welcome in the new 76ers season.
- The 76ers win tonight by 8 points AT LEAST.
- Newcomer Josh Richardson leads the team in scoring tonight with 26 points.
- Ben Simmons WILL attempt a three-point shot against the Celtics opening night. He will not make it.
- Jayson Tatum will have an amazing year for the Celtics and score over 30 in game 1.
- Simmons records his first triple-double of many on the season.
- The 76ers fire Mikal Bridges mom at halftime to really set the tone for the season.
- Simmons takes a huge leap and records 20 triple-doubles this year, eclipsing the 11 he recorded last year.
- Anthony Gargano will spend a 20 minute segment on the Fanatic complaining about the difficulty of finding XXXL Embiid jerseys to purchase.
- When asked what happened to his old Embiid jersey, Gargano will weave a fantastic tale of a bowl of cold marinara sauce teetering on the edge of his living room La-Z-Boy chair, an overly-excited moment seeing a new Steak-em-Up commercial on television, and a miss-thrown novelty Dr. J. mini basketball that will turn the stomachs of 97.5 the Fanatic listeners for years to come.
- The over/under of irritating tweets from Process fans about the possibility of Dario Saric being traded back to Philadelphia this season has been set at 25,000 (take the over).
- Markelle Fultz will be bitten by an alligator by November.
- Al Horford will average a double-double for the entire season.
- Embiid will average 30-10 for the entire season.
- Embiid will play in 67 regular season games.
- Marcus Hayes will hold a candlelight vigil for the recently retired Shaun Livingston.
- Simmons will make 20 three point shots this season.
- Bill Simmons will have to sheepishly explain to his wife why his pants were off when she walked in on him in his darkened, musty study watching Matisse Thybulle highlights.
- Howard Eskin will purchase a 76ers championship ring for himself whether the team wins or not.
- Bryan Colangelo will make his triumphant return to twitter by December, hoping to reinvent his image and make his way back to the NBA.
- Forty new Colangelo burner accounts will be discovered by January 1.
- The dribble-handoffs will be worked out of the 76ers gameplan by February.
- Kyle O’Quinn will average 4 assists a game on very limited playing time.
- Thybulle and Zhaire Smith will be the first off the bench by December.
- Mike Scott will have a whiskey named in his honor by a local distillery.
- Embiid, Simmons, and Harris will all be All-Stars.
- Embiid will make Andre Drummond cry at least once this year.
- Angelo Cataldi will criticize Ben Simmons for being a “me first” player when he starts to shoot more jump shots.
- “I DUNNO RHEAR, SIMMONS LOOKS FOR HIS OWN SHOT TOO MUCH AND TOO OFTEN, I WISH HE WOULD LOOK FOR THAT OPEN PASS BEFUR HE SHOOTS A JUMPERHHHHH.”
- Mike Missanelli takes a call about Embiid being the best big man in basketball: “OHHHH I dunno about that one, skippy! Can you be the best big man when you don’t earn your living in the paint?! I think that might be some of your Philadelphia bias coming out cuz! You want a general knowledge question or what?”
- Mike Missanelli takes a call about Embiid being an overrated superstar: “OHHHHHH I dunno about that one skippy! He’s one of the best big men in the league! Plays in the paint and at the three point line with the BEST of them! I think that might be some of your Philadelphia pessimism coming out, cuz! You want a general knowledge question or what?”
- Neither of the callers will want a general knowledge question.
- Thybulle will garner some DPOY votes at the end of the season.
- Tobias Harris will NOT play up to the contract he just signed.
- Richardson will be second on the team in scoring at just over 23 points a game.
- Jimmy Butler will make a public statement about how he didn’t like playing in Philadelphia.
- The most retweeted picture of the year will be Embiid standing over Butler after he blocked his driving last second layup from behind to seal a win for the Sixers.
- I’ll run into Les Bowen at Tom Fischer’s Tavern in Haddon Township during a game this year. We’ll share a few beers, have a few laughs, and then things take a turn for the awkward when I accidentally call him “dad.”
- Joshua Harris will wear a backwards, flat-brimmed ball cap during press conferences to seem less stilted and nervous. It will not work.
- Rich Hofmann and a small but feisty band of 76ers reporters will lead a coup against the 76ers media department to include “even deeper, richer, analytically-based statistics” in halftime and wrap-up packets given to reporters. It will quickly be squashed after promises are made to include deluxe nachos in the pregame media buffet twice a week.
- M. Night Shyamalan will disappear from his courtside seats for the entire second quarter on opening night and reappear on the court in a coffin at halftime. A 76ers team doctor will declare he had been deceased for at least 96-hours, MEANING HE’S BEEN DEAD THIS ENTIRE TIME! AHHHHHH!!!!!
- The 76ers come in second in the Eastern conference, behind Milwaukee.
- The 76ers win 60 regular season games.
- Horford will disavow all knowledge of his time spent in Boston.
- Embiid is the runner-up for the league’s regular season MVP to Kawhii.
- 76ers sweep the Wizards in the first round of the playoffs.
- 76ers beat the Nets 4-1 in the Eastern conference semifinals.
- 76ers beat the Bucks 4-2 in the Eastern conference finals.
- 76ers beat the LA Clippers 4-3 to capture the NBA championship.
- I get far too drunk at the championship parade and embarrass myself in front of my wife yet again, but it’s the championship parade so what else can I do? It’s unavoidable and she gets it.
There it is, that’s what’s going to happen this season, I’m sorry to spoil it for you. Try to act surprised at the end of the year.
As a bonus, I took to Twitter to ask our readers for some of their predictions for the season. These were the best (and most decipherable) from the Coggin’s wretched readers.
The first is from my lovely wife, who admittedly knows nothing about basketball, said the 76ers will lose in the Eastern Conference finals in game 7 (played in Philadelphia) to the Boston Celtics. I politely informed her that if this prediction comes true she’d better not be awake to witness the absolute carnage of me throwing our television through our front window.
Go buy 76ers gear through the banner below before Simmons hits a three and shades Kylie Jenner when she begs him to take her back.