Brett Brown

50 Can’t Miss Bold Predictions for the 2019-2020 76ers Season (and Bonus Fan Predictions that will Surely be Wrong)

It’s that time of year again, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of an NBA championship and when he desperately represses memories of a mother fucking off-balanced three point shot that bounces on the rim 900 times before elegantly falling through the hoop to mercilessly end all of our hopes and dreams.

Yes, the 76ers are BACK BABY! A slimmed down Joel Embiid! Al Horford using his offensive rebounding prowess for the powers of good and not evil! Awkward photos of Markelle Fultz trying to raise his arms over his head while going down the final drop in Splash Mountain! What a year it’s shaping up to be.

It’s a NEW season and this calls for some BOLD takes, far bolder and newer than last year’s column where I proudly declared Mike Muscala would quickly become a fan favorite in Philadelphia.

So here we go, on the day of the 76ers 2019-2020 season, we have FIFTY BOLD PREDICTIONS for our beloved Sixers:

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It’s time for the 76ers to be transparent and say what’s going on with Markelle Fultz

Ho hum. Another week, another scathing controversy/conspiracy brewing about the Philadelphia 76ers.

What’s next? Are we a day away from 76ers CEO Scott O’Neil being found complicit in the JFK assassination? Is Brett Brown really DB Cooper? Is Joel Embiid’s success all a “Jacob’s Ladder” scenario that we’re experiencing during our last moments on our death bed?

For a yet unknown reason (be it the way the planets are aligned, the wind is blowing, or if a full moon is on the horizon) at the direction of his attorney Markelle Fultz is being pulledĀ  from all 76ers activity until he sees a shoulder specialist next week.

The strange, sad saga of Fultz has taken yet another strange, sad turn.

No practices. No games. Nothing until Fultz is seen by whatever hack specialist he’s being shoveled off to now.

Oddly enough, Fultz has said nothing about his health this season. He’s said on multiple occasions that he feels “good” and publicly bristled when ex-shooting coach Drew Hanlen said he wasn’t healthy.

Here he is on Nov. 6th saying how good his shot feels.

 

 

 

He had opportunity last night to say he was injured. He did not.

So what changed from then to now? How have we gone from a happy-go-lucky, yet struggling, Markelle Fultz to this:

 

 

Is he hurt? Is his shoulder still bothering him? Is he and his team peeved that Brett Brown gave his minutes to TJ McConnell last night?

Now is the time, 76ers, to finally come clean and tell us what you know about Fultz.

Is he hurt?

Was he injured in a BMX accident after he was drafted?

Why is he being sent to a shoulder specialist after assuring everyone he was healthy?

Why did he so publicly split with Drew Hanlen?

Is he upset with being benched for TJ McConnell?

How much of a say do the people around Markelle have on this decision?

All of these questions have been asked by the 76ers beat reporters. None of them have been answered.

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Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Philadelphia chapter

What day is it? Why, it’s Friday the 13th day, sir! And as we are want to do at the Coggin, we take a moment to reflect on this glorious day and ask ourselves the age old question: “Which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?ā€

Jason Voorhees is out there, sharpening up that machete, loading his spear gun, and getting ready to crush some skulls.

Like all horror movie franchises well into their fourth sequel, we’re just cashing in right now and fully expect this to be terrible. We’re just doing it for the money at this point and really sticking it to our hardcore fans.

Get caught up and see who survived the last three Friday the 13ths before dipping into this year’s slaughter.

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Joel Embiid’s minutes will be “in the teens” … AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. In a press conference today Brett Brown noted that he believes Joel Ebmiid’s minutes in the first game of the season on Wednesday against the Washington Wizards will likely only be “in the teens” … and the panic button has been pressed.

It was surprising news for Embiid, who told reporters he was “bummed” and could likely play upwards of 30 minutes in the opener, but would have to abide by the minutes restriction.

Did anybody really expect him to have no minutes restrictions in the opener? He’s played less than 25 minutes all preseason, but somehow he’d be cleared to play 35-plus in the opener? Uhh…no. No he would not.

But that didn’t stop pretzels from raining down on poor Brett Brown.

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And the fans do not like this one bit! AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS! Head Coach Brett Brown now on the field, pleading with the fans for some kind of sanity.

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And a barrage of pretzels now knocking Brown unconscious. Wow. This…this is a black day for basketball.

I am here and now declaring “AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!” to be the official statement for any time Philadelphia fans overreact on Twitter.

AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS:

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It’s starting to come together Pepper…it’s starting to come together
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Pep!

Well…is this it, 76ers fans? Is it starting to come together, Pepper? IS IT STARTING TO COME TOGETHER?

Are we getting too far ahead of ourselves? I can’t remember the last time I jumped off of my couch and fist pumped at the end of a 76ers game…

Are 76ers fans setting themselves up for a disappointment? This is just lightning in a bottle, right? They’re not…actually….good are they?

We all remember the movie “Major League,” right? Coach Lou Brown, the grizzled coach of the Cleveland Indians who had to seriously debate leaving his job as a tire salesman before taking the position, bellowed out the headline of this article to his bench coach Pepper after the lowly Indians swept their first series of the season against a mediocre team.

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We saw a sublime talent, destined to be one of the greats, debut for the 76ers last night

joel-embiid-shirley-templesIf you watched the 76ers kick off their 2016-2017 season in Boston last night, decades from now you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that you saw one of the greatest Sixers to ever put on the uniform suit up for the first time in his long and successful career.

The energy was insane leading up to this game. Can anyone remember another time that this city got so pumped up for a 76ers preseason game? How about even a regular season game? It didn’t come close.

Twitter was bumping. The Hinkie-ites were out in full force, puffing out their chests, saying “look at what our fallen leader has done for you. Be thankful, Philadelphia.” Even the national media was paying attention, keeping at least one eye on the 76ers during opening night of the MLB postseason.

It was all because of one man. The man who so many have already labeled a savior of the organization despite only playing sparse minutes in one preseason game.

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Fired-up Joel Embiid has been kicking a concrete pillar all morning

0344696Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first preseason game after a long road to the NBA, 76ers center Joel Embiid has spent a fidgety day at the team’s practice facility, dealing with butterflies before making his professional basketball debut.

Head Coach Brett Brown said athletes tend to deal with nervous energy in their own ways. Some sit in a corner by themselves to think, others listen to their music before game time, others can’t stop talking to their teammates, he said.

Dario Saric, another 76ers rookie, has taken to joking around with his teammates and calling his family this morning, Brown said.

Embiid has taken a different approach.

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Joel Embiid’s inexperience on full display, shows up to practice in cleats
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Embiid still has a long way to go.

Philadelphia, PA – Third-year member of the 76ers Joel Embiid stepped on the court in a competitive setting for the first time since 2014 yesterday, but the talented, yet raw, center showed he has miles to go before he reaches his true potential.

He showed his lack of experience throughout practice, scrambling to defend pick and rolls all morning, biting on every pump fake in the post, and struggling to find grip on the hardwood court due to wearing metal cleats to practice.

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Brett Brown declares “some asshole” will be next 76ers starting point guard
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Not a happy camper.Ā 

Atlanta, Ga – Following loss at the hands of the Atlanta Hawks, Brett Brown gave a less than glowing response to a reporter when asked if he would stick with starting point guard Kendall Marshall for Friday night’s matchup against the New York Knicks.

Brown wasn’t quite ready to declare a permanent starter at the point guard position just yet.

“Is that really what you’re worried about right now? Who our team’s starting point guard is going to be against the Knicks? Let me tell you I have a lot more to be worried about than who is going to be running the ship for this team. You could put a monkey out there and he’d at least be able to throw some of his shit around the court and create a distraction to give us a chance in one of these fucking games,” Brown said.

“Some asshole will be starting out there at the point for us this Friday, I can assure you that,” he said.

The head coach, perhaps letting some of his frustration shine through his comments, continued.

“Who even started for us tonight? Kendall Marshall? I don’t even know who he is! Nobody in this city does. Nobody knows who any of these morons are, and I’m trying to win ballgames out here. Maybe Sam Hinkie can use one of his 8,000 second round picks to get me a player who doesn’t commit 500 turnovers a night and can average us double digits,” Brown said.

“Lord help me if I have to play that McConnell kid anymore. Every man has a breaking limit.”

At press time, Brown named TJ McConnell as Friday’s starting point guard as the 76ers traded remaining point guards Marshall and Tony Wroten for a pair of 2nd round picks.

76ers Jahlil Okafor verbally commits to Duke

76ers-center-jahlil-okaforPhiladelphia, PA – After the 76ers dropped their eighth game in a row to open the season, the franchise receivedĀ some good news for one of its athletes.

Jahlil Okafor, currently the only bright spot in an otherwise dim season, told 76ers representatives he had reach a verbal agreement to return to Duke University this season.

“Great for Jahlil. He deserves to play for a winning franchise,” GM Sam Hinkie said. “We couldn’t be happier for him. It’s a great career move for him and will really help him turn into the basketball player he wants to be.”

Okafor said he couldn’t wait for the NCAA season to begin.

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