Dario Saric

Friday the 13th part 3, THE NEW BLOOD!

We did it earlier this year. We did it two years ago. And god damnit, since this is SUCH a successful franchise and we’re really only in it for the money, we’re going to do it again this year.

Today, of course, is Friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees is still out there, tightening his hockey mask, watching camp counselors skinny dip in the inviting waters of Camp Crystal Lake, and planning a long awaited visit to Philadelphia to hack and slash his way through the city of Brotherly Love.

For the third time, we ask the age old question: “Which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?”

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76ers are falling for an obvious Furkan Korkmaz email scam

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on us, Furkan.

The 76ers are getting scammed by an overseas huckster.

It’s right in front of their faces. It’s right in front of the face of anyone getting excited over the idea of a foreign savior coming overseas and playing for the 76ers.

Let me explain.

You get emails in your junk folder everyday, right? Poorly written messages from an unknown, overseas foreigner reaching out to you to let you know that a long lost relative of yours has passed away in Burkina Fasso and has left you MILLIONS of dollars in their will! HOLY SHIT! All you need to do is send a few thousand dollars to an address by Western Union to pay for the processing fee for such a large sum of money to be transferred to you and the millions are yours.

Eagerly you send the money…what luck! Hours pass…days pass…months pass…and you never hear from the beneficiary again. You were scammed and you were scammed good. Greed got the best of you.

Sounds familiar with this Furkan Korkmaz business, doesn’t it?

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It’s starting to come together Pepper…it’s starting to come together

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Pep!

Well…is this it, 76ers fans? Is it starting to come together, Pepper? IS IT STARTING TO COME TOGETHER?

Are we getting too far ahead of ourselves? I can’t remember the last time I jumped off of my couch and fist pumped at the end of a 76ers game…

Are 76ers fans setting themselves up for a disappointment? This is just lightning in a bottle, right? They’re not…actually….good are they?

We all remember the movie “Major League,” right? Coach Lou Brown, the grizzled coach of the Cleveland Indians who had to seriously debate leaving his job as a tire salesman before taking the position, bellowed out the headline of this article to his bench coach Pepper after the lowly Indians swept their first series of the season against a mediocre team.

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Sam Hinkie had The Process, Bryan Colangelo has The Procedure

041016_bryan-colangelo_1200 I’m sick of dunderheaded Bryan Colangelo face fucking his way through the 2016-2017 76ers season. Everything that’s good about this year (Embiid, Saric….ummm….that’s about it) has been due to previous GM Sam Hinkie and everything awful about this year (Gerald Henderson, the Noel disaster, the slippery floor, the announcement coming in the next few weeks that Ben Simmons won’t play this year, Jahlil Okafor, the Eagles poor season, the Flyers Shea Weber trade falling through) has been because of shit dick Colangelo and his father’s withered old man balls resting on his son’s shoulders as a constant reminder of his presence.

Also, apropos of nothing, why don’t you spell your name with an “I” like a regular person? God you suck.

Sam Hinkie had The Process, which netted this team a glut of lottery picks, a potential franchise changing player in Embiid and another first round pick next year from the Lakers.

Bryan Colangelo has, what we’ve dubbed at the Toboggan, The Procedure, which has netted us nothing but high blood pressure and increased chances of having a stroke in the next 10 years.

What is The Procedure, you ask? Well, why don’t we explain it using tweets from Colangelo’s meeting with the media today, shall we?

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Fired-up Joel Embiid has been kicking a concrete pillar all morning

0344696 Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first preseason game after a long road to the NBA, 76ers center Joel Embiid has spent a fidgety day at the team’s practice facility, dealing with butterflies before making his professional basketball debut.

Head Coach Brett Brown said athletes tend to deal with nervous energy in their own ways. Some sit in a corner by themselves to think, others listen to their music before game time, others can’t stop talking to their teammates, he said.

Dario Saric, another 76ers rookie, has taken to joking around with his teammates and calling his family this morning, Brown said.

Embiid has taken a different approach.

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BREAKING: Dario Saric’s mustache diagnosed with Zika virus

Saric in better times.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Tragedy has struck the 2016 Olympic games as word of the first athlete contracting the Zika virus broke this morning. Unfortunately, it has a local connection.

Dario Saric, a forward for the Croatian national basketball team, was sent home after physicians diagnosed his pencil thin mustache with the Zika virus after the young athlete expressed concerns over its appearance to team officials.

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Marcus Hayes: ‘Dario came over because he knew of Turkey coup and I have gone heat crazy’

Marcus Hayes in cooler times.

Marcus Hayes, famed columnist, sweating enthusiast for the Philadelphia Daily News and Coggin Toboggan Super Fan #1 contacted us over the weekend and said he wanted to run his latest column by us and our readers before he release it to the public. We’re fans of local journalism, so of COURSE we told him we would and let our readers be the judge.

Marcus wrote the column over this past weekend and shared his thoughts on the newly arrived Dario Saric, who left Turkey just days before the country crumbled into a massive military coup to unseat the president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

His latest column is a bit of a departure from his usual level-headed style, but perhaps just see for yourself after the jump?

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Reports: Dario Saric charters steamer ship to America

Zagreb, Croatia – Sources have confirmed that Dario Saric, a forward for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, is currently in the Croatian port city of Sibenik and has booked himself a steerage ticket on a steamer ship and will set sail to America within the fortnight.

Saric, who has heard of far begone tales of good work and golden paved streets in America, reportedly packed his steamer trunk and bought a sack of limes from a merchant marine to ward off scurvy for the grueling trip ahead.

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76ers assembling crack squad of foreign cutthroats

Furkan Korkmaz, one of several foreign athletes the 76ers have selected this year for their unique brand of “skills.”

Philadelphia, PA – Quickly realizing that the top-tier, top-flight free agents available this year were not willing to sign max deals with a young and inexperience 76ers team, team scouts have been scouring the back end courts, war-torn arenas, and shady, dimly lit half-court games at all corners of the world to assemble a cutthroat team of mercenaries and hacks to don a 76ers uniform for the 2016-2017 season.

Vince Rozman, 76ers director of basketball operations and scouting innovation, said his team of scouts were dispersed throughout the world to assemble the “best of the best” that the rest of the NBA had shunned throughout the years.

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Dario Saric makes huge announcement on his future

Dario Saric, the vaunted Croatian-born professional athlete that has been rumored for the past two years to be joining the 76ers, reached out to The Coggin Toboggan’s email address (thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com) this afternoon to make an announcement on his future.

Currently playing for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, the 22-year-old forward emailed The Coggin at 1:25 p.m. this afternoon to notify our site about his career. This is not surprising, as The Coggin is currently the most popular sports website in all of Turkey due to our comprehensive coverage of national hero Furkan Aldemir.

From his email address DSaric43589@unisa.cr, Saric sent the following to The Coggin Toboggan:

Hello and best wishes to you and yours exhalted family!

I wish to notify you about a blessed busines deal in your favour from the Turkish Basketball League of Super! Hello, am Dario Saric, a foreword for Anadolu Efes, and am very much wanting to come play the professional basketball of the USA and the Filadelphia Seven Sixers!

Unfortunately, I cannot leave my contract with the league unless a $10,000 transfer fee is paid to my coach head. I do not have the money msyelf, so in God’s name I hope you can please wire me the small funds amount so I may live my dream and play in the Americas.

I know this sounds too better to be true, but it is not! The most things of crucial to be done is to wire a transfer fee of $10,000 to complete the transaction. What are you wayting (sic) for! Please help me today.

God bless you,

Dario Saric

WOW! You heard him, we need to set up a Go Fund Me account to get him over here! This is too good to be true. What a week for the 76ers!

We’d kick in some money for this venture, but we donated all of our petty cash to Joel Embiid, who sent us an email letting us know a Congo prince had left us a “sizable” inheritance in his will after he died.