USA

76ers are falling for an obvious Furkan Korkmaz email scam

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on us, Furkan.

The 76ers are getting scammed by an overseas huckster.

It’s right in front of their faces. It’s right in front of the face of anyone getting excited over the idea of a foreign savior coming overseas and playing for the 76ers.

Let me explain.

You get emails in your junk folder everyday, right? Poorly written messages from an unknown, overseas foreigner reaching out to you to let you know that a long lost relative of yours has passed away in Burkina Fasso and has left you MILLIONS of dollars in their will! HOLY SHIT! All you need to do is send a few thousand dollars to an address by Western Union to pay for the processing fee for such a large sum of money to be transferred to you and the millions are yours.

Eagerly you send the money…what luck! Hours pass…days pass…months pass…and you never hear from the beneficiary again. You were scammed and you were scammed good. Greed got the best of you.

Sounds familiar with this Furkan Korkmaz business, doesn’t it?

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I guess Steph Curry doesn’t love America? But I do, and I’ll play

stephen-curry-is-surprisingly-underpaid-he-signed-a-four-year-44-million-contract-extension-in-2012-and-now-makes-12-million-per-year-he-could-triple-that-when-he-becomes-a-free-agent-in-2017

Best basketball player in the world, or America’s greatest traitor?

Steph Curry recently announced he would not be participating in the upcoming Olympic games due to his various injuries and for his apparent hatred of America. I’m sure if MOTHER RUSSIA knocked on Steph’s door and offered him a hammer and sickle he’d jump at the opportunity to play.

Well guess what Steph? When Lady Liberty comes a calling, you’d better be ready to accept the charges and put aside your little dings and maladies to give it all for the red, the white, and the blue.

Dos vedanya comrade, don’t let your bottle of vodka hit your ass on the way out.

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HitchBot is alive and well, thanks to Philadelphia engineers at the Coggin

Oh Hitchbot, you captured our hearts with your charming wit, your warm smile, and your limbs all akimbo as you traveled through Canada and down through America.

But then, this weekend, some horrible Philadelphian decided it would be “funny” and “amusing” to give HItchBot a swift kick in the face and destroy the defenseless tuna can.

It was unconscionable.

But, all is not lost. Engineers and scientists at The Coggin Toboggan knew they had the technology to rebuild him. They had the technology and capability to make him faster and stronger.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hitchbot has been resurrected thanks to the Coggin Toboggan. Here is a video of us deploying him in the streets of South Jersey.

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Carli Lloyd signs most lucrative women’s soccer endorsement deal of all time

A very happy Carli Lloyd, who will spend the next three years installing carpets in strangers homes.

Canada – Following the U.S. Women’s victory at the 2015 FIFA World Cup, star forward and South Jersey native Carli Lloyd signed a 3 year, $15,000 endorsement deal with Empire Today, the national carpet and hardwood flooring company, making her the richest female soccer player of all time.

“It’s an honor. 588-2300, Empire! Today!” Lloyd said, beaming after the victory against Japan.

Empire Today Chief Executive Officer Keith Weinberger said it was a “no brainer” to sign Lloyd to the deal.

“After her hat trick in the first half, I was on the phone with her agent at halftime hammering out the deal. She’ll make a few personal appearances, install a carpet or two, hammer down some linoleum floors and we’ll be all good. Of course, she’ll be doing so in her USA jersey and soccer cleats. It’s a pretty sweet deal,” he said.

Lloyd will spend the next three years installing carpet and hardwood flooring in strangers homes.

The endorsement deal pushed her past the previous soccer legend Mia Hamm, who signed a 3 year, $10,000 deal with Rent-A-Wreck after her 1999 World Cup victory.

As of press time, Lloyd reportedly asked out of the deal, claiming the Empire Today jingle had been stuck in her head for the past 24 hours.