Joel Embiid

50 Can’t Miss Bold Predictions for the 2019-2020 76ers Season (and Bonus Fan Predictions that will Surely be Wrong)

It’s that time of year again, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of an NBA championship and when he desperately represses memories of a mother fucking off-balanced three point shot that bounces on the rim 900 times before elegantly falling through the hoop to mercilessly end all of our hopes and dreams.

Yes, the 76ers are BACK BABY! A slimmed down Joel Embiid! Al Horford using his offensive rebounding prowess for the powers of good and not evil! Awkward photos of Markelle Fultz trying to raise his arms over his head while going down the final drop in Splash Mountain! What a year it’s shaping up to be.

It’s a NEW season and this calls for some BOLD takes, far bolder and newer than last year’s column where I proudly declared Mike Muscala would quickly become a fan favorite in Philadelphia.

So here we go, on the day of the 76ers 2019-2020 season, we have FIFTY BOLD PREDICTIONS for our beloved Sixers:

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Now is the time to reverse the curse of the 76ers 1st round draft pick

We’re one day away from a pivotal 2019 NBA Draft, one day away from the 76ers filling in several areas of needs with young collegiate players, and one day away from seeing which draft pick will fall victim to the strangest curse in all of professional sports….the curse of the 76ers 1st round draft pick.

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The blueprint to defeat the 76ers has never been more evident

The 76ers took a massive poutine shit in the Great White North in front of a national audience, and in turn gave the rest of the NBA step-by-step instructions on how to dismantle their entire game.

Despite putrid shooting in the first half, the clearly superior Toronto Raptors rallied to defeat the Sixers by double digits after completely negating two of their three best players through the night. Jimmy Butler kept the Sixers in it with 38 points, but when Ben Simmons is doing his best impersonation of the Invisible Man for 99% of the game and Joel Embiid is getting dominating by Jonas Valanciunas, it’s not going to end well.

And end well it did not.

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Can Joel Embiid stop playing pickup games against goofy idiots before I have a heart attack?

Joel Embiid took to the courts of Philadelphia over the weekend on a whim and decided to slaughter all of the goofy white guys who dared get in his way. The videos, captured in all of their ball-busting glory on Twitter, are fabulous.

Take a look and cower as Embiid viciously dunks on any hipster that dares get in his way:

So good. I could watch them all day long.

Glad you got it out of your system, Joel, because Lou Brown has some sage words of advice for you after the jump:

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Jesus Christ. All I can think about watching these clips is Joel dunking on some loser, coming down from the rim and landing on someone’s foot and tearing every single ligament in his knee.

For anyone playing basketball in South Philly where Joel has been known to show up, if you see the big man strolling over to the court to play you should be courteous, let him into your game, and for the love of god don’t play any defense against him whatsoever. Do you really want to be caught on someone’s iPhone as the guy Joel lands on and misses the next season because he tore his ACL after you gawked at his windmill dunk and didn’t get out of his landing zone?

Because if you do end up as that guy you’re going to be drawn and quartered by the furious Process Trusters in this town for ending the 76ers next season before the summer league.

Get out of his way, let him throw down a dunk, take a selfie, and then thank god that he didn’t get hurt on your court.

I’m breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

You know what won’t make you nervous? Awesome Phillies merch. Click the Phillies banners below to buy some awesome Fanatics Phillies merchandise for Father’s Day.

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Shop Philadelphia Phillies gear at Fanatics.com!

Joel Embiid needs to stay far, FAR away from the Ball family

No. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. You stay away from him, Joel. STAY AWAY FROM HIM ::gets out spray bottle and sprays water on him when he walks over to Lavar Ball::

Embiid, god damnit, you can not become all chummy with anyone in the Ball family. Everyone enjoyed it much, much  more when you were lobbing horrendously funny tweets at that melonhead’s futile efforts to keep his sons relevant and in the public eye.

This Instagram post…

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After last night’s beating from the 76ers, the Lakers need your help more than ever

Hello, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Right now, the Lakers need you more than ever after what happened last night against 76ers. Your call says, I’m here to help. Please call, right now.

Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid should be locked up after the severe beatings they doled out over 48 minutes. It was so cruel, so brutal, the duo had to flee the state and the premises of their crime before local law enforcement officials could apprehend them.

Please call to put a stop to the violence you can see after the jump.

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Joel Embiid’s minutes will be “in the teens” … AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. In a press conference today Brett Brown noted that he believes Joel Ebmiid’s minutes in the first game of the season on Wednesday against the Washington Wizards will likely only be “in the teens” … and the panic button has been pressed.

It was surprising news for Embiid, who told reporters he was “bummed” and could likely play upwards of 30 minutes in the opener, but would have to abide by the minutes restriction.

Did anybody really expect him to have no minutes restrictions in the opener? He’s played less than 25 minutes all preseason, but somehow he’d be cleared to play 35-plus in the opener? Uhh…no. No he would not.

But that didn’t stop pretzels from raining down on poor Brett Brown.

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And the fans do not like this one bit! AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS! Head Coach Brett Brown now on the field, pleading with the fans for some kind of sanity.

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And a barrage of pretzels now knocking Brown unconscious. Wow. This…this is a black day for basketball.

I am here and now declaring “AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!” to be the official statement for any time Philadelphia fans overreact on Twitter.

AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS:

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Bryan Colangelo has an obvious tell. Does it spell doom for the 76ers?

Bryan Colangelo has an obvious tell, and it spells doom for the 76ers. Can you spot it? What’s the key difference between these two pictures?

At first glance, they look similar. Hell, he’s even wearing the same blue blazer and white button-down combination…but look at the collars. The picture on the left is Colangelo from this morning’s media day session where he stammered his way through an “update” on Joel Embiid’s health. Sure, he’s not ready for 5-on-5 yet, but is on track for their “intended goal” to participate in the regular season.

The picture on the right is when he was able to introduce the Sixers #1 overall pick Markelle Fultz to the media.

Now, notice the collars in both pictures….the collar on the right is tickling his jawbone, it’s exuberant, full of life, peacocking its way into the hearts and minds of the fans everywhere.

Look at the collar on the left. Definitely doesn’t come close to his jawbone. It’s wilted, limp, almost sallow. It’s sickly, unconfident, decidedly un-starched.

The conclusion? Colangelo’s collar height and collar vivacity, its “joie de vivre,” if you will, is his tell.

The collar on the right is his good news collar. Coincidence that he wore it while showcasing his greatest triumph as yet with the 76ers by procuring Markelle Fultz? I think not.

The collar on the left is his bad news collar. A vague timetable for Embiid’s return, denial of showcasing Jah for a trade, making excuses for why they’re signing front court has beens….he’s lying and he shows it through his collar height.

He knows something else, he just isn’t saying it verbally. Come clean with us, Bryan, we deserve it. You’re not fooling anyone.

LOOK TO THE COLLAR FOR YOUR ANSWERS.

Do you know what’s not fake? Awesome 76ers merchandise. Buy it all from the banners below (but maybe don’t invest in that Bryan Colangelo jersey you had your eye on).

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Philadelphia 76ers 2017-2018 Nike Jerseys

Philadelphia 76ers 2017-2018 Nike Jerseys

Does anybody trust the 76ers at this point when it comes to injuries?

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely talked yourself down off from a very high ledge or taken the noose off from around your neck and come to grips with the fact that Joel Embiid STILL has not been cleared to play 5-on-5.

(Not to brag, but I did predict this would happen earlier this morning)

The news broke today during Brett Brown’s lunch with the media session and you can bet your ass Marcus Hayes immediately started stress eating steamer tray after steaming tray of chicken parmesan.

Does anyone have any shred of a doubt left that Joel Embiid will not be ready for the start of the season? Is it that surprising that the team has NOT been forthcoming about one of their player’s health? After he injured himself in January, the 76ers said he didn’t have a torn meniscus…until, well, they reported that he did indeed have a torn meniscus, but that it wouldn’t require surgery.

Until, well, it did require surgery in March.

The 76ers haven’t given an update on Embiid’s health all summer, despite every indication that he SHOULD be completely healed by now from his March 24th meniscus tear surgery.

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Is no news actually bad news for Joel Embiid?

Two fears keep me up at night. One is the fear that I’m a terrible father. Are the decisions my wife and I making for our 18-month-old causing irreversible damage to his young psyche? How can we be sure we’re doing a good job? Are we being too strict? Not strict enough? How can you even know if your parenting strategies are working on a kid who is not yet 2-years-old?

The second, and much more important fear, is the health of Joel Embiid. Training camp officially started today and he has YET to be cleared to play 5 on 5.

THE SEASON IS A MONTH AWAY, PEOPLE. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

My Embiid fear is obviously more pressing. Him not playing or missing considerable time this year will impact me much sooner than my kid becoming a kook because I was a bad father.

I figure I have at least until he’s a teenager before he goes off the deep end and tries to slit my throat in my sleep. That’s 13 years away, plenty of time to set him straight or give him up for adoption.

But Joel? That’s in the here and now. LIVE IN THE NOW, PEOPLE.

So why haven’t we heard anything from the 76ers about his status? I’m not completely sure, but is it a bad sign that we haven’t heard ANYTHING from the 76ers about their franchise center?

It’s been operation silence on the 76ers end for anything with Embiid. If he were healthy, wouldn’t you be shouting that from the rooftops like a carnival barker?

“COME ONE COME ALL, SEE THE AMAZING 7-FOOT MAN DAZZLE YOU WITH FEATS ON THE BASKETBALL COURT THAT YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. RIM PUNISHING DUNKS, SILKY SMOOTH 3-POINT SHOTS, YOU’LL SEE IT ALL FROM THIS FREAKISH MAN THE LIKES OF WHICH WILL ASTOUND AND AMAZE. JUST A DIME, STEP RIGHT UP STEP RIGHT UP.”

Maybe. Maybe not.

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