Hello, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Right now, the Lakers need you more than ever after what happened last night against 76ers. Your call says, I’m here to help. Please call, right now.

Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid should be locked up after the severe beatings they doled out over 48 minutes. It was so cruel, so brutal, the duo had to flee the state and the premises of their crime before local law enforcement officials could apprehend them.

Please call to put a stop to the violence you can see after the jump.

It’s hard to watch. Brutal. Please call. Your donation will help pay Julius Randle’s final expenses after being turned inside out by history’s greatest monster, Joel Embiid.

Lonzo Ball needs your help. One more of these and he may never play again. Please call to put a stop to this torture from Ben Simmons.

I….I can’t watch this any longer. I’m sorry. ::sobs intermittently for 15 minutes into the microphone::

Please call. The Ball family needs our help now more than ever. A smile may never grace LaVar Ball’s swollen face ever again after last night. The Lakers need our help more than ever. Your call means everything.

Please call, and put an end to this 76ers menace. Thank you.

Please call.