Washington

March 1 is Bryce Harper Day, For Better or For Worse

I’m calling it. Like Dr. Kevorkian told his nurse on their last case of the day, “Pull the plug and let’s get the hell out of here to beat the traffic.”

As the preeminent voice of the common Philadelphia sports fan I’m declaring March 1  as Bryce Harper Day. Punch and pie will be served, but the event is BYOC (bring your own cyanide).

I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the tweets, the speculation, the “hilarious” fake twitter accounts that claim to be in the “know” about Harper signing. The takes. The internet sleuths reading into Harper’s dumb tweets and every promotional photo of him like conspiracy theorist and the Zapruder film. Is he wearing a Phillies branded arm sleeve in that photo?! IS THAT A SHOOTER ON THE GRASSY KNOLL IN RIGHT FIELD?!

I’m sick of the will they-won’t they tension that gets annoying and stale in a sitcom after one season (I’m looking at you, “The Office”). Just fuck and get it over with.

March 1 is it. If Bryce Harper has not signed with Philadelphia by the new month please join me in declaring him dead to the city.

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Joel Embiid’s minutes will be “in the teens” … AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. In a press conference today Brett Brown noted that he believes Joel Ebmiid’s minutes in the first game of the season on Wednesday against the Washington Wizards will likely only be “in the teens” … and the panic button has been pressed.

It was surprising news for Embiid, who told reporters he was “bummed” and could likely play upwards of 30 minutes in the opener, but would have to abide by the minutes restriction.

Did anybody really expect him to have no minutes restrictions in the opener? He’s played less than 25 minutes all preseason, but somehow he’d be cleared to play 35-plus in the opener? Uhh…no. No he would not.

But that didn’t stop pretzels from raining down on poor Brett Brown.

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And the fans do not like this one bit! AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS! Head Coach Brett Brown now on the field, pleading with the fans for some kind of sanity.

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And a barrage of pretzels now knocking Brown unconscious. Wow. This…this is a black day for basketball.

I am here and now declaring “AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!” to be the official statement for any time Philadelphia fans overreact on Twitter.

AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS:

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If the Eagles lose week 2 against Kansas City is the season over?

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Photo credit: NJ.com

1-0 after week 1. Good job guys. Good effort. Great to get out of D.C. with a victory over the hated Washington Native Americans (name changed to keep this blog as a safe space) and come back to Philadelphia a winner.

Not so fast though. The season is in trouble, and anyone with a good pair of eyes can see it.

With a week 2 jaunt against the Kansas City Chiefs looming over the franchise, we have to face some serious facts about the season already.

If the Eagles lose against the Chiefs next Sunday, is the season over?

I say yes.

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A city mourns as beloved Phillie Jonathan Papelbon is traded

EDS NOTE: LEWD GESTURE - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon gestures to the crowd after giving up four runs to the Miami Marlins during the ninth inning of a baseball game Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014, in Philadelphia. Papelbon was ejected from the game. The Marlines won 5-4. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

The dedicated and classy Jonathan Papelbon has been traded.

Philadelphia, PA – What will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the darkest days in Philadelphia Phillies history, franchise saves leader Jonathan Papelbon was traded yesterday to the Washington Nationals for a minor league pitcher.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to hold back tears at a press conference when he made the announcement to the assembled media.

“It’s…it’s tough sometimes. You try not to take things personally, but this is not easy. Jonathan Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called, has been traded to the Nationals,” he said. “It hurts. It really does.”

Amaro then broke down in tears as he was consoled by franchise executive Andy Macphail.

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