The Washington Nationals, of all teams, are going to the World Series.

Bryce Harper is going to play under his sixth manager in nine seasons next year.

Do you think it bugs him? Of course it bugs him, how could it not? His entire stretch with the Nationals was plagued by the teams inability to escape the first round of the playoffs, no matter how talented the rosters were. He leaves, and suddenly the perennial choke artists are going to the biggest stage of baseball.

Sure, they’ll lose to the Astros or the Yankees, but still…what does Harper think?

Professionally, you know he’ll say the right things. He’s happy for his friends, happy that his old teammates are experiencing such success, happy that the franchise that drafted him is on the verge of potentially capturing its first championship.

Personally? It probably sounds more like this:

MOTHER FUCKEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING SHIT FUCK MOTHER FUCKER CUNTLICKER COCKSUCKERS FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

How could it not bother him? Maybe I’m just projecting my own actions and insecurities on how I would act in this situation, but I’d be livid. Of course the year I leave the team decides to get its shit together….Stephen Strasburg decides it’s the perfect time to stay healthy and become the elite pitcher he’s always been promised to be, the bullpen pulls its act together, and Ryan Zimmerman finally doesn’t shrink under the big lights.

Of COURSE it happened the year Bryce Harper leaves to join the Phillies. Of course it happens the season that plants a poison pill of doubt into all of our minds that maybe something WAS wrong with Bryce…maybe he was the problem for all those years behind closed doors.

Do I think that’s the case? No, I don’t, but until he actually gets to a World Series, hell, until he actually wins a playoff series, it will be in the back of everyone’s mind.

::whispers:: Is Harper the new Alex Rodriguez? Highly paid? Highly skilled? Highly average when it comes to getting his teams over the hump?

Dear god I hope not. We’re only down ONE year of a 13-year contract. I’ll be 50 years old when this contract is expired, and if Harper is on his twelfth manager by then I just may lose it.

Get this guy some help in the offseason, bolster this shitty bullpen, toss Vince Velasquez and Nick Pivetta to the curb and let’s get Harper into the first playoffs, out of the first round, and into our hearts.

Fuck the Nationals and their half-filled stadium in the playoffs. Fuck their fanbase. Fuck DC.

Get Bryce a ring, Middleton. Get us another ring. Get us another parade down Broad Street and throw your ridiculous toupee into the crowd. You owe us that much after this horrible season.

Go buy Eagles gear by clicking the banner below. Fuck the Phillies.