You want to act hard, Washington? You want to act like you don’t care that one of the best young players in baseball chose the PHILLIES over your putrid little franchise and your half-filled stadium?
Well Bryce Harper welcomed you into gen pop, took your shoes, took your belt, and made you follow him around by his pockets last night as he scared the entire Nationals franchise and their fans straight while thousands of invading Phillies fans made life miserable for the home crowd.
He demanded your fruit cups and you gave them to him because you’re all talk and you know it. You’re fresh fish and he’s just reeling you in.
FRESH FISH FRESH FISH FRESH FISH FRESH FISH.
Harper, the Phillies, and the traveling caravan of Phillies fans punked the entire Washington franchise and their cutesy attempts to welcome back the man that won them an MVP in 2015.
I’m calling it. Like Dr. Kevorkian told his nurse on their last case of the day, “Pull the plug and let’s get the hell out of here to beat the traffic.”
As the preeminent voice of the common Philadelphia sports fan I’m declaring March 1 as Bryce Harper Day. Punch and pie will be served, but the event is BYOC (bring your own cyanide).
I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the tweets, the speculation, the “hilarious” fake twitter accounts that claim to be in the “know” about Harper signing. The takes. The internet sleuths reading into Harper’s dumb tweets and every promotional photo of him like conspiracy theorist and the Zapruder film. Is he wearing a Phillies branded arm sleeve in that photo?! IS THAT A SHOOTER ON THE GRASSY KNOLL IN RIGHT FIELD?!
I’m sick of the will they-won’t they tension that gets annoying and stale in a sitcom after one season (I’m looking at you, “The Office”). Just fuck and get it over with.
March 1 is it. If Bryce Harper has not signed with Philadelphia by the new month please join me in declaring him dead to the city.