Jonathan Papelbon

Curt Schilling vetting Jonathan Papelbon for vice president run
Jonathan Papelbon

Just a good ol’ boy.

Parts Unknown – From deep within a subterranean bunker he built with his remaining video game money, former Phillies pitcher and presidential hopeful Curt Schilling sent out initial feelers this week to determine if Jonathan Papelbon would be an appropriate vice president choice for his 2024 ticket.

Schilling, who announced he would make a run at the presidency in 2024, sent out his most trusted political advisor, Jaxson “J-Bug” Jordan, to gauge the free agent’s interest in joining his powerhouse political ticket.

Schilling, an avid and vocal republican, took a few moments from posting his latest “Killary Klinton” meme to his Twitter account to discuss his upcoming run for president.

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A city mourns as beloved Phillie Jonathan Papelbon is traded
EDS NOTE: LEWD GESTURE - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon gestures to the crowd after giving up four runs to the Miami Marlins during the ninth inning of a baseball game Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014, in Philadelphia. Papelbon was ejected from the game. The Marlines won 5-4. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

The dedicated and classy Jonathan Papelbon has been traded.

Philadelphia, PA – What will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the darkest days in Philadelphia Phillies history, franchise saves leader Jonathan Papelbon was traded yesterday to the Washington Nationals for a minor league pitcher.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to hold back tears at a press conference when he made the announcement to the assembled media.

“It’s…it’s tough sometimes. You try not to take things personally, but this is not easy. Jonathan Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called, has been traded to the Nationals,” he said. “It hurts. It really does.”

Amaro then broke down in tears as he was consoled by franchise executive Andy Macphail.

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The Bongo Cam is the most recognizable part of the Phillies franchise
I can hear that beat right now....

I can hear that beat right now….

Philadelphia, PA – For the third season in a row, Phillies fans rated the “Bongo Cam,” the in-game piece of entertainment, as the most recognizable and enjoyable part of the Phillies franchise.

“For the third year in a row, the Phillies fans have spoken. In our annual poll of our season ticket fans, The Bongo Cam was far and away the top performer. The fans not only named it the best fan experience in the stadium, but also said it was the most dependable member of the franchise and wished it could play right field,” an anonymous Phillies employee told The Coggin.

The festive video encourages fans to get out of their seats and play an imaginary pair of bongos on the Phillies big outfield screens. The video always brings a smile to the face of the guests as they watch their fellow fans play along with the lively music.

“Usually it’s by far the most entertaining part of any game they attend,” the employee said. “We began playing it every eighth inning last year to at least give the fans an excuse to stay that late.”

For the third year in a row, Jonathan Papelbon and Ruben Amaro Jr. finished at a tie in dead last in the poll.

94 WIP caller insightfully declares Phillies should trade Howard, Papelbon
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A stunned Mike and Ike still haven’t recovered from the bombshell this morning on their show.

Philadelphia, PA – A caller into the Ike and Mike show this morning turned a radio station, and an entire city, on its head today when he proclaimed the Philadelphia Phillies should “absolutely” trade Ryan Howard and Jonathan Papelbon before the season begins.

Only identifying himself as Tom from Bensalem, the caller declared himself to be a “lifetime” fan of the Phillies and a “long time listener,” but only a first time caller into the morning show. Wasting little time, the analytical and statistical genius declared the Phillies should do everything in their power to trade the two athletes if they were smart and “knew anything about the game.”

It goes without saying, the unique and powerful idea left co-hosts Michael Barkann and Ike Reese nearly speechless.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say,” Reese said, breathing heavily into the microphone, trying to make sense of the wondrous suggestion. “It’s just, I mean, how did nobody think of this by now? It’s all so simple, of course it needs to be done. I….I just need a few moments here.”

The modern-day Einstein didn’t bask in the adulation for long, declaring both athletes should bring a “hefty return” to the Phillies.

“I mean, think about it dis’ way you guys. Howard makes a lot of money, sure, more than a regular guy like myself, but he hit nearly 60 home runs just a few years ago, you telling me we couldn’t trade him to the Marlins for Giancarlo Stanton? I don’t see why you couldn’t,” he said. “And Papelbon, I mean, he had almost 40 saves last year. Are you telling me we couldn’t trade him back to Boston for that Professor Xavier guy?”

Despite fumbling the name of top Boston prospect Xander Bogaerts, the suggestion nevertheless was welcomed with open arms.

“How are you not working in baseball? This…this is just fabulous,” a stunned Barkann muttered into the microphone. “This is a great day for the City of Philadelphia.”

And just like that, the hero hung up his phone before the two hosts could pick the brain of the greatest baseball mind in the city.

Five minutes later, a frantic Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly called the station and begged for the number of “that Tom from Bensalem guy.”

Reports: Milwaukee Brewers interested in Jonathan Papelbon’s glove
Jonathan Papelbon with his glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Jonathan Papelbon with the glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Milwaukee, WIS – Reports began flooding the CT offices this morning, as trade discussions between the Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies are coming full steam. The Brewers are reportedly interested in acquiring Jonathan Papelbon’s glove, with several sources claiming the Brewers are willing to pay “upwards of $50” for the black Wilson A2K glove.

“We will not refute the rumors being published by the media. We are interested in acquiring Papelbon’s glove,” said Doug Melvin, GM of the Brewers. “I am currently negotiating for the rights to the glove with Ruben, and we hope we can reach an agreement soon. Spring Training is starting soon, and we really feel one more glove will put us over the top.”

In 2014, the Brewers were only in possession of 9 gloves, which had to be shared amongst the Milwaukee athletes as they were substituted into each game.

Carlos Gomez infamously refused to enter a late inning game last season, as he didn’t want to use the one left-handed glove on the team.

The glove would up the teams total to 10. The Brewers are still allegedly in the market for a catchers glove as well, as Jonathan Lucroy was forced to used an infielders glove behind the plate for the entire 2014 season.

Jon Heyman for CBS Sports reported earlier this morning that talks for the glove had stalled, when Amaro apparently balked at Melvin’s request that a case of sunflower seeds be included in the deal.

“The Phillies are asking for $50 and an authentic ‘Hank the Dog’ water bowl in exchange for the glove,” Heyman said. Hank the Dog is the unofficial mascot of the Brewers.hankindexthumb

UPDATE:

Ruben Amaro Jr. caved and agreed to trade the glove and the rights to Jonathan Papelbon for $10.