Philadelphia, PA – What will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the darkest days in Philadelphia Phillies history, franchise saves leader Jonathan Papelbon was traded yesterday to the Washington Nationals for a minor league pitcher.
Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to hold back tears at a press conference when he made the announcement to the assembled media.
“It’s…it’s tough sometimes. You try not to take things personally, but this is not easy. Jonathan Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called, has been traded to the Nationals,” he said. “It hurts. It really does.”
Amaro then broke down in tears as he was consoled by franchise executive Andy Macphail.
Fans could hardly believe the news as they reacted to the trade.
“Are you kidding me? They traded Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called? If there was one member of the Phillies I wanted to see spend the rest of his career with the franchise, it was Papelbon. He treated the game, he treated the team, and most importantly he treated the fans with utmost respect,” a shocked Michael McGinley said, when he was made aware of the deal. “I understand he was more valuable as a trade commodity, but sometimes you just have to do what’s right by the fan base, you know?”
Several YouTube videos popped up overnight of longtime Phillies season ticket holders burning their remaining tickets in protest of the trade.
When made aware he was going to be traded to the Nationals, Papelbon reportedly spit on the clubhouse floor and then expelled a very long, loud and aromatic flatus.
“About fucking time. Paps doesn’t need to be in this shithole a minute longer. Hey rook, pack up my locker and send my things down to Washington,” Papelbon said to Carlos Ruiz, the 9 year veteran catcher. “So long chumps.”
As of press time, Papelbon flipped off a group of school children that came out to the ball park for one last glimpse of their hero.