Washington Nationals

Did you hear the one about Bryce Harper being traded to Golden State?

Buckle up partner and strap yourself in, because I’m about to tickle your funny bone with an observation SO DROLL and SO HILARIOUS that you’re going to absolutely cream your jeans and have your mind BLOWN after I hit you with it.

Are you ready for this shit? Are you ready to be taken on a mystical tour of hilarity into the ethos of what comedy really means?

You’d better have 911 ready and on call, because you, my friend, are going to bust a gut when you hear this.

Ready? Take a deep breath, hold my hand, and don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you, I never would.

Bryce Harper, he of the Washington Nationals, a major league baseball team, has been traded to the Golden State Warriors.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….oh my GOD. How…..how is that even possible?! I’m dying, I’m dying, stop it you’re KILLING ME. He’s, he’s….oh god, but, he’s a BASEBALL PLAYER being traded to a BASKETBALL TEAM.

You see, that’s what makes it so hilarious. Golden State, you see, is stacked with talent and they just signed a superstar after winning yet another NBA championship, so the very idea, the VERY NOTION that Bryce Harper would be traded to the Golden State Warriors is DELIGHTFULLY FARCICAL.

Just a rollicking good time. Nobody else could have POSSIBLY thought of something so out of left field, could they?

Shit….well, okay, I started writing this around 8 a.m. I have the saved draft to prove it. He tweeted it out at 8:26 a.m., so I thought of it first.

Are there any others?

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Curt Schilling vetting Jonathan Papelbon for vice president run
Jonathan Papelbon

Just a good ol’ boy.

Parts Unknown – From deep within a subterranean bunker he built with his remaining video game money, former Phillies pitcher and presidential hopeful Curt Schilling sent out initial feelers this week to determine if Jonathan Papelbon would be an appropriate vice president choice for his 2024 ticket.

Schilling, who announced he would make a run at the presidency in 2024, sent out his most trusted political advisor, Jaxson “J-Bug” Jordan, to gauge the free agent’s interest in joining his powerhouse political ticket.

Schilling, an avid and vocal republican, took a few moments from posting his latest “Killary Klinton” meme to his Twitter account to discuss his upcoming run for president.

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A city mourns as beloved Phillie Jonathan Papelbon is traded
EDS NOTE: LEWD GESTURE - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon gestures to the crowd after giving up four runs to the Miami Marlins during the ninth inning of a baseball game Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014, in Philadelphia. Papelbon was ejected from the game. The Marlines won 5-4. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

The dedicated and classy Jonathan Papelbon has been traded.

Philadelphia, PA – What will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the darkest days in Philadelphia Phillies history, franchise saves leader Jonathan Papelbon was traded yesterday to the Washington Nationals for a minor league pitcher.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to hold back tears at a press conference when he made the announcement to the assembled media.

“It’s…it’s tough sometimes. You try not to take things personally, but this is not easy. Jonathan Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called, has been traded to the Nationals,” he said. “It hurts. It really does.”

Amaro then broke down in tears as he was consoled by franchise executive Andy Macphail.

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