Parts Unknown – From deep within a subterranean bunker he built with his remaining video game money, former Phillies pitcher and presidential hopeful Curt Schilling sent out initial feelers this week to determine if Jonathan Papelbon would be an appropriate vice president choice for his 2024 ticket.
Schilling, who announced he would make a run at the presidency in 2024, sent out his most trusted political advisor, Jaxson “J-Bug” Jordan, to gauge the free agent’s interest in joining his powerhouse political ticket.
Schilling, an avid and vocal republican, took a few moments from posting his latest “Killary Klinton” meme to his Twitter account to discuss his upcoming run for president.
“We’re going to take Washington by storm. No more crooked Clintons mucking up the works for good, hardworking Americans like myself. I’m exactly what America needs…an overbearing, middle-aged white man who sees a conspiracy around every corner. Haven’t had one of those in a while. Not like Barack HUSSEIN Obama,” he said.
The Cy Young winning pitcher, who lost his cushy job at ESPN this year after he couldn’t stop posting horrendous memes about transgender people on social media, has been mulling over reaching out to Papelbon after getting together with his most trusted political advisors at Sully’s Cap and Tap for two-4-one pitchers last week.
Papelbon reportedly caught Schilling’s eye earlier this year after the embattled and now jobless reliever had expressed his desire to wear an “Obama can’t ban these guns” t-shirt to an apology press conference before the start of the season.
“That’s just the kind of outside thinking we need to really shake up D.C. Obama can’t ban these guns? Priceless, just absolutely priceless,” Schilling told reporters. “Plus, his taste in music is fantastic. That Trump song he was blasting in the Nationals locker room? Playing in my home 24 hours a day.”
Sources confirmed that Schilling’s wife, Shonda, warned him not to “piss away $50 million like you did with that video game company” and assured reporters that he would likely forget all about being president when the History Channel started to air more WWII programming.
When the media asked Papelbon if he would be interested in a vice president run with Schilling, the reliever allegedly grabbed his crotch and attempted to choke out one of the reporters.