Philadelphia, PA – After scrambling up his rope ladder and hanging the “no gurlz alloud” sign on his tree fort after an open practice where he was mocked for an upcoming 10 game suspension by fans, Eagles offensive tackle Lane Johnson loudly sobbed into a ratty pillow he stole from his mother’s house and refused to come down for anyone.
“It’s not fair. I didn’t mean to get suspended. They totally said I could take that peptide, the NFLPA is just a bunch of poop-filled jerks! It’s not my fault! Crap!” Johnson said, despite knowing he wasn’t allowed to cuss and could see his bedtime moved up by as much as an hour if anyone heard.
Johnson was momentarily distracted by a wrinkled and water-stained copy of a 1999 Playboy he had found in the woods, but even the promise of bare breasts couldn’t bring the tackle out of his funk.
“Everyone hates me and is blaming me for the season already. I’m sorry, I said it like a million times. I can’t do anything right, everyone would be better off if I was just dead,” he wailed, kicking his feet into the air in a rapid pumping motion.
Sources confirmed Johnson then quietly sobbed to himself while eating a package of Skittles and playing with a Philadelphia Phanatic doll he received at a free giveaway for kids at a recent Phillies game.
At press time, Eagles coach Doug Pederson was at the base of Johnson’s tree fort, explaining to Lane that while nobody was mad at him, they were “just disappointed.”