Lane Johnson

“Everyone hates me and is blaming me for the season already,” sobbing Lane Johnson says from tree fort

100615_lane-johnson_1024Philadelphia, PA – After scrambling up his rope ladder and hanging the “no gurlz alloud” sign on his tree fort after an open practice where he was mocked for an upcoming 10 game suspension by fans, Eagles offensive tackle Lane Johnson loudly sobbed into a ratty pillow he stole from his mother’s house and refused to come down for anyone.

“It’s not fair. I didn’t mean to get suspended. They totally said I could take that peptide, the NFLPA is just a bunch of poop-filled jerks! It’s not my fault! Crap!” Johnson said, despite knowing he wasn’t allowed to cuss and could see his bedtime moved up by as much as an hour if anyone heard.


110-pound, acne free Lane Johnson addresses claims and denies PED use


Lane Johnson circa 2015.

Philadelphia, PA – Following reports from Howard Eskin and Darren Degaetano that Eagles right tackle Lane Johnson would face a 10-game suspension for PED use, the gaunt and sickly looking offensive lineman spoke out this afternoon and denied the reports.

Practically swimming in his jersey, the 110-pound Johnson addressed the rumors and said he hadn’t touched a PED since his first violation in 2014.