Philadelphia, PA – After scrambling up his rope ladder and hanging the “no gurlz alloud” sign on his tree fort after an open practice where he was mocked for an upcoming 10 game suspension by fans, Eagles offensive tackle Lane Johnson loudly sobbed into a ratty pillow he stole from his mother’s house and refused to come down for anyone.
“It’s not fair. I didn’t mean to get suspended. They totally said I could take that peptide, the NFLPA is just a bunch of poop-filled jerks! It’s not my fault! Crap!” Johnson said, despite knowing he wasn’t allowed to cuss and could see his bedtime moved up by as much as an hour if anyone heard.