Howard Eskin

Coggin Toboggan Music Review: Cole Beasley’s “hit” rap single “80 Stings”

So this is a thing we do now, I guess, music reviews. Here’s what I thought about Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys debut foray into the rap game:

What the fuck did I just listen to? REVIEW OVER.

(thinks it over…sighs)

Damnit. FINE. I’d be doing a disservice to everyone who enjoys hate listening to athletes getting their cockles on the rise and jumping into the rap game. Shaquille O’Neal did it, Deion Sanders did it, Allen Iverson did it….and now Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys thinks he can do it.

Beasley is well known round these parts for his Twitter feud with Howard Eskin and the glorious, flowing golden blonde locks he sports under his helmet. My god, just look at it bouncing exuberantly about his strong, broad shoulders…..that is some serious lettuce you could just run your fingers through all day long. It makes you feel safe, like you’re loved….

Huh? What? Oh yeah, the song.

It sucks, but what did you expect? Did you really think some white loser who plays a poor wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys would produce a halfway decent song? OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T.

You know why you’re here….you’re here to laugh at someone who put themselves out there and tried to accomplish something they’re passionate about. Serves you right, Beasley, for trying to reach a childhood dream. What a loser, am I right gang?

(thinks about my own childhood dream of being a fireman….chokes back tears as I realize I’ve wasted my life)

::gazes over at a mirror:: Yeah….what a loser….what a big, fat, terrible ugly loser

Let’s all listen to this piece of garbage and run through the lyrics to this trainwreck after the jump, shall we?

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Howard Eskin has gone full heel and there is nobody better in Philadelphia

Howard Eskin has gone from radio jackass nobody liked to full-on Philadelphia sports heel and nobody is doing a better job in the Philadelphia media than he is right now.

It’s not even close. Is there anyone more entertaining right now than Eskin? Especially on Twitter? Whether he’s HILARIOUSLY misspelling names (Cluff Lee is an all-timer) or randomly picking fights with loser wide receivers from the Cowboys, everything he touches turns to gold.

Who would cultivate a week-long beef with no-name Cowboys wide receiver Cole Beasley and subsequently choke slam him through a barbed wire table (metaphorically) just HOURS after the Eagles demolished the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.

Who does this other than heel Howard? He is a full on WWF heel…picking on the weak and defenseless in order to put himself over….and he’s doing it in the most entertaining way possible.

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Destructive RT Armageddon wreaks havoc through Philadelphia sports media

tumblr_mou8y9bxwc1sqwnloo1_500 The unthinkable happened on Monday afternoon, as a destructive RT Armageddon wreaked havoc through the Philadelphia sports media, cutting swaths of destruction through the flimsy, half-thought out takes from the past.

The Armageddon, which officially rated as an 8.2 on the Eskin scale, crumbled and exposed the worst past opinions on the popular Sam Hinkie “Process” from Philadelphia sports media members.

According to Twitter experts, it was the largest RT Armageddon Philadelphia has experienced since the Andy Reid firing of 2012.

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Howard Eskin: Well well well, look who came crawling back

Special guest columnist Howard Eskin.

By Howard “The King” Eskin – Well well well. Look who it is. If it isn’t my old friends over at 94 WIP. Whatever could you be doing here, at the Eskin compound, on this fine Thursday morning?

What’s that you say? You have a proposition that you’d like to run by me? Well hold on just a second, because as I recall almost five years ago you pushed me out of my afternoon drive show to make room for some nobody.

I had to watch as that fat stunad Anthony Gargano first unraveled the hard work I put into that 3 to 7 p.m. time slot, watching him slobber all over that microphone. It was enough to turn my stomach.

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110-pound, acne free Lane Johnson addresses claims and denies PED use

Lane Johnson circa 2015.

Philadelphia, PA – Following reports from Howard Eskin and Darren Degaetano that Eagles right tackle Lane Johnson would face a 10-game suspension for PED use, the gaunt and sickly looking offensive lineman spoke out this afternoon and denied the reports.

Practically swimming in his jersey, the 110-pound Johnson addressed the rumors and said he hadn’t touched a PED since his first violation in 2014.

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City of Philadelphia issues excessive hot-take warning during first day of training camp

580x400-trainingcamp-announce Philadelphia, PA – City officials are warning Eagles fans to limit their internet and twitter exposure today, as Eagles beat reporters and local sports reporters are unleashing hot-takes at a furious pace today during the first day of Eagles training camp.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney warned elderly citizens and children under the age of 10 to stay off the internet completely. With a lack of substance and meaningful action on the field, Kenney warned the city that reporters would go to any lengths to suck readers in.

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REPORT: Heart disease really killed it last night at the Cataldi/Eskin roast

I hate this picture with every fiber of my being.

Philadelphia, PA – Billed as a brutal night of comedy for two local sports talks legends, guests at the Sports Roast of Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin, held Thursday night at the Crystal Tea Room in Philadelphia, were subjected to flat jokes and bad puns from local sports figures for nearly two hours.

However, the room was abuzz after an up and coming comic force really made its presence felt throughout the event.

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The Coggin Toboggan living will

living-will What is up tobogganites? By the time you read this I’ll either be sitting in an outpatient surgery center or drooling on myself in a propofol induced slumber as some quack doctor shoves an endoscope down my esophagus.

Now before you fret, know that my doctor told me that his initial diagnosis for me was “Wahhhh your tum tum hurts” so I’m not too worried about what he’s going to find.

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After Twitter rant, 76ers create “Howard Eskin safe zone” around Wells Fargo Center

Public enemy #1 at the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, PA – Scott O’Neil, Chief Executive Officer of the Philadelphia 76ers, said the team has been forced to create a “Howard Eskin free zone” around the Wells Fargo Center following the media personality’s rant on Twitter about the state of the franchise.

The 76ers perhaps took a page out of the University of Missouri’s playbook, where representatives ironically created a media-free “safe space” for student protesters, despite it being located in a public area.

“We need to be able to do our jobs without the distraction of Howard Eskin. Did you see how many tweets he levied my way this afternoon? I don’t know what to do,” a visibly shaken O’Neil said.

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Matt Klentak hires Jon Runyan for apparent “My Bodyguard” type scenario

Nerd.

Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.

Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.

Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.

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