Coggin Toboggan

I forgot to mention I’m running for Camden County Freeholder, didn’t I?

Well, it’s election day and I forgot to mention that I’m running for Camden Country Freeholder. CRIPES.

I had this idea in August. I really wanted to give back to the lovely county I live in, I wanted to roll up my sleeves and toss out the FAT CATS that have run this county for far too long.

I had posters printed up. Thousands upon THOUSANDS of them. They’re sitting in my backyard shed. I didn’t put a single one up. They’re completely useless and cost me $5,000 to print. God damnit.

I never even bothered to find out what a Freeholder is. It seems like that would have been first on my list, but I’m a jump first, look later kind of candidate. It’s one of my finest qualities.

I meant to look it up, I really did, but just never got around to it. The 76ers are pretty good this year, I got distracted. Can you blame me?

All I know is I would have made a great Freeholder. A kickass Freeholder, even. I can only assume I would have been given a gavel and a robe after my victory. Maybe I’m thinking of a judge?

I guess I’ll never find out.

I had this entire platform planned around everyone in Camden County receiving a free pizza every Friday night. Free Pizza Fridays would have been a reality under my steady hand, for only a nominal county tax increase of $1.50 per every $100 of assessed property value and the discontinuation of the county police force.

Sure, that may seem excessive, but on the other hand…..free pizza. You can’t argue with the results.

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Should the Coggin Toboggan go behind a pay wall?

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With the launch of the Philadelphia Athletic today, a new subscription based Philadelphia sports website that puts all of its material behind a paywall, it got us thinking. Are people willing to pay money for top-notch sports content in this city?

We’re banking on it, BECAUSE DADDYS GOT TO EAT. I’ve been living on catfood for the past year.

You people have been freeloading long enough. It’s time to put some money in our g-string and pay the piper. You people have picked my bones clean for LONG ENOUGH. You think it’s easy coming up with this hard-nosed, factual, original content every damned day (every other day….once a week….ok, once every month) for your amusement? It’s hard work people, I LOSE SLEEP OVER THIS NONSENSE.

I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU PENNY PINCHERS. Open up the wallet and lets see what a subscription can get you with the Coggin Toboggan. Prices after the jump.

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2016 was a hell of a year for the Coggin Toboggan and that’s all that matters

cogginDoes 2016 have you down? Bummed out about what happened with Donald Trump or the bevy of celebrity/athlete/politics deaths this year? Well buck up, kiddo, because I’m here today to tell you that 2016 was a HELL of a year for The Coggin Toboggan.

Yes, your favorite Philadelphia sports blog had a very successful second year of existence and that’s really all that should matter to you. Sad that Carrie Fisher will no longer be using the force? Take solace in the fact that our views and visitors are both up 10% over last year’s stats! I know, right?! That’s awesome and totally makes up for everything horrible that happened in 2016.

More than 45,000 of you losers came to our site this past year. I’m sure about 90% of the visitors were bots or stoners who were sidetracked looking for pornography, but hell, 45,000 visitors!

We received 58,000 views this year as well. Sure, I clicked on the site 57,000 times, but that’s not what matters.

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Complete Philly Coverage and The Coggin Toboggan, a rag tag bunch of misfits

CPCTo kick 2016 off on the right foot, we have decided to support and publicize another local Philadelphia sports blog that we enjoy.

Complete Philly Coverage approached us about a week ago and proposed a partnership of sorts. Do we want them to publicize some of our articles? Yes of course. Would we publicize some of their articles? Definitely.

It’s the ultimate underdog story.

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All good things must come to an end

Coggin

Designed by Salvador Dali.

It was one year ago today that I decided to start this blog. 383 posts later and here we are, on the precipice of 2016.

When I started The Coggin Toboggan I wanted to see how dedicated I could be to giving the City of Philadelphia an alternative news source that would be unafraid to tell the real story, and I believe we did that during our time serving the City of Brotherly Love.

I wanted to prove to myself that I could stick with a project for an entire year, that I could be disciplined enough to do something that people would enjoy, and not get anything in return.

I believe I did that over these last 365 days.

But, as the headline says, all good things in this life must come to an end. It was a great year, we made fun of a ton of people, wrote some good stuff, hopefully entertained you with a hot take or two, and perhaps even made a name for ourselves in a very crowded and busy sports blog market just trying to crush each other for hits and notoriety.

We made it and we made a name for ourselves, generating a nice following of fans who enjoy our ridiculous brand of humor and horrendous takes on the idiocy of sports in Philadelphia.

Hopefully our readers understand what a toll it is to write all of these article. I wrote all 383 over the past year, it was not easy and it was a complete grind.

With a new baby on the way, this just makes my decision much, much easier.

It’s tough to make this announcement, and I do so with a very heavy hart, but after the break I have embedded a perfect promo from the legendary Ric Flair that will explain our situation to our dedicated readers.

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The Coggin Toboggan living will

living-willWhat is up tobogganites? By the time you read this I’ll either be sitting in an outpatient surgery center or drooling on myself in a propofol induced slumber as some quack doctor shoves an endoscope down my esophagus.

Now before you fret, know that my doctor told me that his initial diagnosis for me was “Wahhhh your tum tum hurts” so I’m not too worried about what he’s going to find.

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Editor’s Note: Always a spot at the table for you at the Coggin Toboggan, Bill Simmons

Our conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

The conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN and The Coggin Toboggan is throwing itself into the fray to court the media giant. Simmons must get like 200 to 300 views a day on the articles he writers for ESPN and Grantland, so it would be an absolute coup to snatch him up and have him exclusively write for The Coggin Toboggan.

As the current Editor in Chief, I can assure you, Bill, I will be as hands off as any boss you’ve ever worked with. Frankly, you’ll go weeks without seeing me in the office, as I’ll be too busy slipping in and out of drunken stupors and defending myself against the countless cases of sexual harassment leveled against me from female and male employees alike.

We like the cut of your jib, I’ll be honest. You’ll have the freedom here to write about whatever you like, as long as you pass our rigorous editing/ethics test and work your way up from an internship first.

Sure we may not be able to pay you as much as ESPN, but I do assure you we can make this deal beneficial for all parties involved.

As founder, I can assure you the following if you sign a 10-year contract with us today. This deal will be taken off the (above) table if you do not sign with us by the stroke of midnight:

– A salary UPWARDS of $35,000 a year, depending on bonuses and ads sold.

– Your very own chair. Currently, CT employees rotate the three office chairs among the thousands of employees in the building every 10 minutes. I can assure you that you will have your very own beach and/or picnic chair.

– An office located as far away as possible from the one hallway here that is deeply infested with bats.

– An Apple Newton for your professional use.

– A coupon book from me filled to the brim with valuable offers. IE: One free backrub, one free shoulder massage, one full body massage with/without a happy ending.

– A personal key to the executive outhouse.

– No charge if you decide to take a deep inhale from the company ether rag.

Bill, I think you’ll find this offer more than fair and I can GUARANTEE no other website will come close to what we will give you.

Welcome to the winning team.