Five years ago I decided to start a blog, a hacky Onion ripoff dedicated to nothing but Philadelphia sports and being an absolute piece of garbage on Twitter. It’s been five long years of this HORSESHIT at the Coggin Toboggan and frankly it feels like a prison sentence that just won’t end.
But lucky for you I’ve become accustomed to the inside and there’s no way I’d survive on the outside. I’m stuck in this hell of my own creation and will take it to the grave with me.
I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT. YOU, KRUGER, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR COMPANY STINKS! – Frank Costanza.
Merry (early) Festivus to all of the dear readers of The Coggin Toboggan. 2017 is mercifully coming to a close in less than a few weeks, but what ho! There is still plenty of time for more gripes and complaints in 2017 with your good friends at The Coggin Toboggan.
And what better way to have our voices heard about everything that disappointed us in the past year than by participating in the annual Airing of Grievances, an important part of the Festivus tradition?
But what’s that, you say? You don’t know about Festivus? Why, it’s a made up holiday from a decades old episode of Seinfeld that lazy blogs and sports talk radio stations use to squeeze out a topic of conversation at the end of each year.
Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!
But we are a lazy, lazy blog. We aired our own grievances in 2015 and in 2016, but this year we don’t have the energy. So we turned to our readers, our glorious, loyal, honest readers for their grievances about anything.
Boy, did you guys put a damper on everything as usual. ::sighs deeply:: I guess we can look at them together, but first let me say how truly disappointed I am in all of you.
Well, it’s election day and I forgot to mention that I’m running for Camden Country Freeholder. CRIPES.
I had this idea in August. I really wanted to give back to the lovely county I live in, I wanted to roll up my sleeves and toss out the FAT CATS that have run this county for far too long.
I had posters printed up. Thousands upon THOUSANDS of them. They’re sitting in my backyard shed. I didn’t put a single one up. They’re completely useless and cost me $5,000 to print. God damnit.
I never even bothered to find out what a Freeholder is. It seems like that would have been first on my list, but I’m a jump first, look later kind of candidate. It’s one of my finest qualities.
I meant to look it up, I really did, but just never got around to it. The 76ers are pretty good this year, I got distracted. Can you blame me?
All I know is I would have made a great Freeholder. A kickass Freeholder, even. I can only assume I would have been given a gavel and a robe after my victory. Maybe I’m thinking of a judge?
I guess I’ll never find out.
I had this entire platform planned around everyone in Camden County receiving a free pizza every Friday night. Free Pizza Fridays would have been a reality under my steady hand, for only a nominal county tax increase of $1.50 per every $100 of assessed property value and the discontinuation of the county police force.
Sure, that may seem excessive, but on the other hand…..free pizza. You can’t argue with the results.
With the launch of the Philadelphia Athletic today, a new subscription based Philadelphia sports website that puts all of its material behind a paywall, it got us thinking. Are people willing to pay money for top-notch sports content in this city?
We’re banking on it, BECAUSE DADDYS GOT TO EAT. I’ve been living on catfood for the past year.
You people have been freeloading long enough. It’s time to put some money in our g-string and pay the piper. You people have picked my bones clean for LONG ENOUGH. You think it’s easy coming up with this hard-nosed, factual, original content every damned day (every other day….once a week….ok, once every month) for your amusement? It’s hard work people, I LOSE SLEEP OVER THIS NONSENSE.
I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU PENNY PINCHERS. Open up the wallet and lets see what a subscription can get you with the Coggin Toboggan. Prices after the jump.
Does 2016 have you down? Bummed out about what happened with Donald Trump or the bevy of celebrity/athlete/politics deaths this year? Well buck up, kiddo, because I’m here today to tell you that 2016 was a HELL of a year for The Coggin Toboggan.
Yes, your favorite Philadelphia sports blog had a very successful second year of existence and that’s really all that should matter to you. Sad that Carrie Fisher will no longer be using the force? Take solace in the fact that our views and visitors are both up 10% over last year’s stats! I know, right?! That’s awesome and totally makes up for everything horrible that happened in 2016.
More than 45,000 of you losers came to our site this past year. I’m sure about 90% of the visitors were bots or stoners who were sidetracked looking for pornography, but hell, 45,000 visitors!
We received 58,000 views this year as well. Sure, I clicked on the site 57,000 times, but that’s not what matters.
To kick 2016 off on the right foot, we have decided to support and publicize another local Philadelphia sports blog that we enjoy.
Complete Philly Coverage approached us about a week ago and proposed a partnership of sorts. Do we want them to publicize some of our articles? Yes of course. Would we publicize some of their articles? Definitely.
It’s the ultimate underdog story.
Designed by Salvador Dali.
It was one year ago today that I decided to start this blog. 383 posts later and here we are, on the precipice of 2016.
When I started The Coggin Toboggan I wanted to see how dedicated I could be to giving the City of Philadelphia an alternative news source that would be unafraid to tell the real story, and I believe we did that during our time serving the City of Brotherly Love.
I wanted to prove to myself that I could stick with a project for an entire year, that I could be disciplined enough to do something that people would enjoy, and not get anything in return.
I believe I did that over these last 365 days.
But, as the headline says, all good things in this life must come to an end. It was a great year, we made fun of a ton of people, wrote some good stuff, hopefully entertained you with a hot take or two, and perhaps even made a name for ourselves in a very crowded and busy sports blog market just trying to crush each other for hits and notoriety.
We made it and we made a name for ourselves, generating a nice following of fans who enjoy our ridiculous brand of humor and horrendous takes on the idiocy of sports in Philadelphia.
Hopefully our readers understand what a toll it is to write all of these article. I wrote all 383 over the past year, it was not easy and it was a complete grind.
With a new baby on the way, this just makes my decision much, much easier.
It’s tough to make this announcement, and I do so with a very heavy hart, but after the break I have embedded a perfect promo from the legendary Ric Flair that will explain our situation to our dedicated readers.
What is up tobogganites? By the time you read this I’ll either be sitting in an outpatient surgery center or drooling on myself in a propofol induced slumber as some quack doctor shoves an endoscope down my esophagus.
Now before you fret, know that my doctor told me that his initial diagnosis for me was “Wahhhh your tum tum hurts” so I’m not too worried about what he’s going to find.
The conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.
Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN and The Coggin Toboggan is throwing itself into the fray to court the media giant. Simmons must get like 200 to 300 views a day on the articles he writers for ESPN and Grantland, so it would be an absolute coup to snatch him up and have him exclusively write for The Coggin Toboggan.
As the current Editor in Chief, I can assure you, Bill, I will be as hands off as any boss you’ve ever worked with. Frankly, you’ll go weeks without seeing me in the office, as I’ll be too busy slipping in and out of drunken stupors and defending myself against the countless cases of sexual harassment leveled against me from female and male employees alike.
We like the cut of your jib, I’ll be honest. You’ll have the freedom here to write about whatever you like, as long as you pass our rigorous editing/ethics test and work your way up from an internship first.
Sure we may not be able to pay you as much as ESPN, but I do assure you we can make this deal beneficial for all parties involved.
As founder, I can assure you the following if you sign a 10-year contract with us today. This deal will be taken off the (above) table if you do not sign with us by the stroke of midnight:
– A salary UPWARDS of $35,000 a year, depending on bonuses and ads sold.
– Your very own chair. Currently, CT employees rotate the three office chairs among the thousands of employees in the building every 10 minutes. I can assure you that you will have your very own beach and/or picnic chair.
– An office located as far away as possible from the one hallway here that is deeply infested with bats.
– An Apple Newton for your professional use.
– A coupon book from me filled to the brim with valuable offers. IE: One free backrub, one free shoulder massage, one full body massage with/without a happy ending.
– A personal key to the executive outhouse.
– No charge if you decide to take a deep inhale from the company ether rag.
Bill, I think you’ll find this offer more than fair and I can GUARANTEE no other website will come close to what we will give you.
Welcome to the winning team.
Here at The Coggin Toboggan, we try to foster a sense of community and family among our writers, reports, editors and photographers who sometimes spend long, long hours producing the award winning and respected material that you read here on a daily basis.
We’ve been putting in a lot of hours recently, especially with the recent Les Bowen Eagles showering scandal that rocked this city to it’s core two weeks ago, so as editor in chief I decided it was high time to let our hair down and have some fun in the office.
So, to brighten morale, I decided to institute The Coggin Toboggan’s very first “Bring your Crab to work” program earlier this week. Employees were encouraged to bring their crabs to our office to show them the ropes and let them see what mommy and daddy do on a daily basis.
We’ve compiled some of the best pictures from the event and we hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed having them scuttling around the office.
Jameis Winston was not invited to the event, for obvious reasons! HAHAHAHA, oh god we have fun here.
Jimmy the crab.
Ahh Jimmy, you side-stepped your way into everyone’s heart at the CT. This feisty young fella was brought by Jane in accounting, who would NOT stop talking about their recent trip to Fire Island. He was the toast of the town that weekend, she assured us as much.
Sarah the crab.
Aww who’s a good girl!? It’s Sarah, that’s who! This adorable little girl enjoyed having her tummy rubbed by just about everyone in the editing department.
Herbert the crab.
Gah!! Herbert you rascal. This diva loved the close-up pictures we took of him frolicking through the mens room and swimming through the salad dressing at the salad bar in the employee cafeteria.
Susie the crab.
Not Suze or Susan, but Susie! This energetic girl had a great day popping in and out of cubicles and searching for mites in the parking lot.
Brutus the crab.
What a good boy! Brutus had himself a bit of an incident as he crawled up on the back of Larry from accounting, who had fallen asleep at his desk. When Larry woke up and found this guy snuggling against his bald head, he would NOT stop screaming. What a day!
Well that was it. It was a success all around, we think, and something we’ll definitely be doing again next year.
Stay tuned next month, as The Coggin Toboggan will be hosting its first”Bring your Diarrhea-laden Dog to work day!” It should be explosive!
The Coggin Toboggan 