New Jersey

Ladies and gentlemen of New Jersey, start your sports gambling!

Oh hell yes. I knew there was a reason I decided to live in this stink state for all these years. On the same morning I had to waste an hour of my life at a municipal court for a clerical error that said I had an outstanding parking ticket dating back to 2013, those delightful bastards in the SCOTUS ruled in favor of New Jersey and declared the prohibition of sports betting in states is unconstitutional.


And it does not look like you’ll have to wait a long time to dig deep into your gambling addictions, New Jersey residents. Monmouth Park racetrack already spent $1 million in building a sportsbook and the Borgata started construction on their own $7 million sportsbook this past November in preparation of a positive ruling.

Fuck and yes. Finally, I don’t have to fly out to Las Vegas in March to lose hundreds of dollars betting on March Madness when I can do so in the comfort of my own state and the luxurious confines of Atlantic City.

Just call me Atlantic City Al, because I’ll be throwing down $10 parlays left and right. Really racking in the big bucks.


I forgot to mention I’m running for Camden County Freeholder, didn’t I?

Well, it’s election day and I forgot to mention that I’m running for Camden Country Freeholder. CRIPES.

I had this idea in August. I really wanted to give back to the lovely county I live in, I wanted to roll up my sleeves and toss out the FAT CATS that have run this county for far too long.

I had posters printed up. Thousands upon THOUSANDS of them. They’re sitting in my backyard shed. I didn’t put a single one up. They’re completely useless and cost me $5,000 to print. God damnit.

I never even bothered to find out what a Freeholder is. It seems like that would have been first on my list, but I’m a jump first, look later kind of candidate. It’s one of my finest qualities.

I meant to look it up, I really did, but just never got around to it. The 76ers are pretty good this year, I got distracted. Can you blame me?

All I know is I would have made a great Freeholder. A kickass Freeholder, even. I can only assume I would have been given a gavel and a robe after my victory. Maybe I’m thinking of a judge?

I guess I’ll never find out.

I had this entire platform planned around everyone in Camden County receiving a free pizza every Friday night. Free Pizza Fridays would have been a reality under my steady hand, for only a nominal county tax increase of $1.50 per every $100 of assessed property value and the discontinuation of the county police force.

Sure, that may seem excessive, but on the other hand… pizza. You can’t argue with the results.


Chris Christie’s WFAN show audition prep sheet leaked to Coggin Toboggan

08-chris-christie-2Gov. Chris Christie is taking time off from his busy summer schedule of closing state parks and impersonating a beached whale to officially audition next week for a sports talk show on Sports Radio 66 WFAN in New York City.

Christie, an avid sports talk fan, will fill-in for longtime WFAN host Mike Francesa on Monday and Tuesday next week from 2 to 6:30 p.m. alongside Evan Roberts. Christie has mentioned he would like to transition into a sports talk role after his term as New Jersey Governor comes to a close.

The Coggin Toboggan has obtained a copy of Christie’s prep sheet for Monday’s debut show. A prep sheet gives a rough outline of what a host has planned for the day’s show.

What do you think of his proposed show? Take a look after the jump.


Chris Christie’s CBP comments likely stem from embarrassing concessions incident in 2012


A model New York Mets fan if there ever was one.

An anonymous source from within the Phillies organization reached out to the Coggin Toboggan offices this afternoon with information to help “clear up” the comments made by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie this past week.

The high ranking source with the Phillies said Christie’s unprovoked commentary about the organization likely stemmed from an incident in 2012 when the governor visited CBP for a tilt against the New York Mets.


BREAKING NEWS: Chris Christie seen struggling to fit into Columbus Crew jersey

chris_christieGREEN BAY, WIS – Reports flooded The Coggin Toboggan newsroom moments after the Dallas Cowboys fell to the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday evening, as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was seen berating an intern and tearing into the package of freshly purchased Columbus Crew jersey that he struggled to pour himself into.

“I told you to purchase an XXXL sized jersey, this is an XXL, you moron!” The perturbed governor reportedly yelled at an intern, as the young government employee sheepishly tried to help the rotund government leader pull the jersey down over his watermelon sized head.

Numerous sources claimed Christie ran into a hotdog cart in a comical fashion as the jersey was draped over his head, sending frankfurters skittering down a Lambeau Field promenade.

“Put a few of those in your pockets for the flight back to New Jersey. What is this, amateur hour?” Christie reportedly hissed at the intern after successfully stuffing himself into the straining soccer jersey.

Christie has been under fire recently from national and local media for his choice in fandom, being spotted in Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’s suite as the Cowboys defeated the Detroit Lion in the NFC Wildcard playoff round two week ago.

He angered Philadelphia fans earlier in the week when he described them as the worst in football. He clarified his remarks in a later press release sent to Philadelphia media outlets.

“I in no way said Philadelphia fans were the worst in football. I said they were pieces of shit,” Christie wrote in the release.

Wendy Gunderschmidt, a public works employee at Lambeau Field, told the CT she saw Christie throw his tarp-sized Cowboys jersey into a trashcan and leave the suite in a rage after Aaron Rogers clinched the victory for the Packers.

Gunderschmidt reported the jersey was slathered in chili, garlic salt, beer, whiskey, nacho cheese, ketchup, hotdog crumbs, spicy brown mustard, relish, cotton candy, paint thinner, Skittles, several large chunks of Bratwurst (spicy and mild flavored), and salsa. Upon closer inspection, the jersey had been retrofitted with several secret inseams capable of hiding numerous links of sausage.

The CT reached out the governor’s office for comment on his sudden change in fandom, and if it confirmed a possible presidential run and the beginning of a new courtship of Ohio voters.

“Absolutely not. I’ve been a fan of the Columbus Click (sic) for as long as I’ve been a fan of soccer,” Christie said. “How can you not root for mid-fighter (sic) Wil Trap and Federico Higuain to score all of the goals?”