Citizens Bank Park

Phillies plan to refurbish and display Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell at CBP by 2019

In 2012 I sent an email to a contact I had within the Phillies organization with an odd request. Could he get me more information, and possibly the location, of the old Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell?

Six years later after countless emails, dead ends, contradicting accounts, and one extraordinarily helpful South Philadelphia food distributing company president, the Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell has found a permanent home back with the Philadelphia Phillies.

“I wanted to let you know that we are no longer in possession of the Liberty Bell. A while back we were contacted by the Phillies organization about reacquiring the bell. After discussing it internally, we decided that the plans we had to display the bell were too ambitious for now, and returning the bell to the Phillies provided the best chance for it to be ‘resurrected’ and given a chance to be displayed and appreciated by Phillies fans again,” Sean Scollon, chief business intelligence officer at C.W. Dunnet & Co., told The Coggin Toboggan.

James Trout, director, marketing services and events for the Phillies, confirmed the organization has the bell. The Phillies plan to refurbish the approximately 20-foot high, 15-foot wide bell and put it on display for fans at Citizens Bank Park as early as the 2019 season.

Any additional plans or location for the bell at the stadium is unknown at this point, he said.

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Local father threatens disobedient child with possibility of going to a Phillies game

Philadelphia_PhilliesAn exasperated father warned his daughter this morning that if she didn’t behave herself he would be forced to take her to tonight’s Phillies game.

Charles Grandowitz, 42, of Cherry Hill, issued the threat to his daughter, Kaylee, 8, after she ignored his request to empty the dishwasher and clean her room.

“Kaylee, so help me, if you don’t get those done like I asked you to by noon today, we’re going to go to that Phillies game tonight, I can promise you that,” Grandowitz said in a menacing tone as his daughter watched television.

“I’ll march you right to that car, drive half an hour into the city, and make you sit there for the entire nine innings. And for what, to see the likes of Cameron Rupp and Howie Kendrick? I promise you, that’s what I’ll do if it teaches you a lesson.”

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Chris Christie’s CBP comments likely stem from embarrassing concessions incident in 2012
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A model New York Mets fan if there ever was one.

An anonymous source from within the Phillies organization reached out to the Coggin Toboggan offices this afternoon with information to help “clear up” the comments made by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie this past week.

The high ranking source with the Phillies said Christie’s unprovoked commentary about the organization likely stemmed from an incident in 2012 when the governor visited CBP for a tilt against the New York Mets.

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Phillies experience lowest bum attendance in 5 years
empty_seats_for_griffey

Where have all the hobos gone this season?

Philadelphia, PA – Heading towards its fourth below .500 season in five years, Philadelphia Phillies attendance has steadily dipped over the past four years.

More alarmingly, the homeless and bum attendance in 2015 is at an all time low, as attendance records show a staggering 35 bum per game rate, down from the record 200 bum per game rate the team enjoyed in 2011.

“It’s really a shame. Four years ago we’d have homeless just wandering the stadiums, dirtying bathrooms, harassing fans…it was a wonderful time,” an anonymous front office executive said. “Now we’re lucky if we have to forcibly remove one or two hobos from the stadium trying to fish half eaten nachos out of the trash.”

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Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald sues Phanatic for millions
Hilarious!

Hilarious!

Philadelphia, PA – Citing years of abuse at the hands of the fuzzy Phillies mascot, the Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald has levied a $25 million lawsuit against the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“The Phanatic has tormented the bald for years with his scalp shining routine. Sure, it seems like it’s harmless fun, but his capering throughout the decades has caused untold damages to thousands of men who suffer from thinning hair,” said Thomas Graham, president of the Coalition.

“Two weeks ago he shined my scalp for what seemed like hours in front of thousands of fans at Citizens Bank Park. Would he ever make fun of someone’s weight? Sexuality? I don’t think so, but it’s appropriate to make fun of my disease? It’s ridiculous, outrageous and scandalous.”

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Chase Utley gearing up for one last depressing run

Chase-Utley-PhilliesPhiladelphia, PA – Yesterday, early visitors to Citizen’s Bank Park were not alone, as Chase Utley’s bat cracked through the stadium as he took part in an extra batting session several hours before the Phillies afternoon game was scheduled to begin.

It’s a testament to Utley’s spirit, who is working hard to ensure he gets healthy just in time to completely tarnish his legacy in the final stretch of the season.

“That’s the plan. Hopefully I’ll make some minor league rehab appearances next week and be back with the club in two weeks. From then on, I plan to languish away on the bench behind the more effective younger second baseman, making fans depressed at how my career is ending,” Utley said. “It should be great.”

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Maikel Franco shows up to Phillies clubhouse with sleeping bag, Avengers backpack
What, are you going to cry now?!

What, are you going to cry now?!

Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.

Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.

Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.

“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.

Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.

After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.

Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.

“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”

As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.

Phillies agree to sell liquor, wine, black tar heroin at CBP this year

Philadelphia_PhilliesPhiladelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Phillies announced today that all concession stands that currently serve alcohol will expand their services to include wine and hard liquor for fans.

Additionally, a gentleman named “Big” John will be selling black tar heroin within the confines of CBP, front office officials announced.

“We are always looks for new ways to make attending a Phillies game a better experience for our fans, and we feel these new offerings will really improve the ball park visit,” a source said. “We will be offering top shelf spirits, aged red/white wine, and the finest smack that money can buy.”

Fans of the drug will be able to purchase the substance from the North Philadelphia native during all home games. He will be trolling for customers behind the Phanatic Play Place from innings 1-4, and will complete the games in the mens room in section 119.

Some of "Big" John's finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.

Some of “Big” John’s finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.

“It was a fabulous business opportunity and I had to jump at the chance when approached by the Philadelphia Phillies. I’ve been looking to expand my venture and this was a perfect synergy between a depressed fanbase looking to brighten their spirits during 10-2 blowouts in early May,” Big John said.

“Big” John cut off the interview after declaring the Coggin reporter “looked like a narc.”