Phillies agree to sell liquor, wine, black tar heroin at CBP this year

Philadelphia_PhilliesPhiladelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Phillies announced today that all concession stands that currently serve alcohol will expand their services to include wine and hard liquor for fans.

Additionally, a gentleman named “Big” John will be selling black tar heroin within the confines of CBP, front office officials announced.

“We are always looks for new ways to make attending a Phillies game a better experience for our fans, and we feel these new offerings will really improve the ball park visit,” a source said. “We will be offering top shelf spirits, aged red/white wine, and the finest smack that money can buy.”

Fans of the drug will be able to purchase the substance from the North Philadelphia native during all home games. He will be trolling for customers behind the Phanatic Play Place from innings 1-4, and will complete the games in the mens room in section 119.

Some of "Big" John's finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.

Some of “Big” John’s finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.

“It was a fabulous business opportunity and I had to jump at the chance when approached by the Philadelphia Phillies. I’ve been looking to expand my venture and this was a perfect synergy between a depressed fanbase looking to brighten their spirits during 10-2 blowouts in early May,” Big John said.

“Big” John cut off the interview after declaring the Coggin reporter “looked like a narc.”

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