Philadelphia, PA – Heading towards its fourth below .500 season in five years, Philadelphia Phillies attendance has steadily dipped over the past four years.

More alarmingly, the homeless and bum attendance in 2015 is at an all time low, as attendance records show a staggering 35 bum per game rate, down from the record 200 bum per game rate the team enjoyed in 2011.

“It’s really a shame. Four years ago we’d have homeless just wandering the stadiums, dirtying bathrooms, harassing fans…it was a wonderful time,” an anonymous front office executive said. “Now we’re lucky if we have to forcibly remove one or two hobos from the stadium trying to fish half eaten nachos out of the trash.”

To counteract the downturn in vagrants to Citizens Bank Park, the executive said several special events were being planned for the 2016 season:

• Free showers for the first 25 homeless to sneak into the stadium on June 3rd.

• A 30 minute “don’t ask, don’t tell” free-for-all in the ball pit for all of those without homes on July 4th.

• A bag of slightly stale, moldy hotdog buns for the first 30 bums in attendance on Sept. 2.

• A new squeegee for all of those 65 years and younger who can prove they make 95% of their yearly income from begging or returning cans.

“Hopefully with these special events we will have more deranged individuals screaming at the Phanatic, begging him to give back their souls. It makes the ballpark just come alive each summer,” the executive said.

“It’s what makes baseball in Philadelphia special.”