Philadelphia, PA – The death toll has topped 3,000 today as a city gripped in a full fledged case of football fever can only sit and wait to see if the epidemic will claim anymore victims.
Mayor Michael Nutter addressed the media this morning and said the situation in the city was grim.
“Far too emergency responders were summoned this weekend by frantic callers saying their loved ones were unresponsive on their couches, love seats, or in many, many cases, their La-Z-Boy recliners. In 95% of the cases the emergency technicians could not revive our citizens,” Nutter said.
Nutter said the only chance for survival for those who were found conscious was an immediate change of the television channel to a baseball game, preferably the Phillies in our area.
As of today at 7 a.m., the death toll is officially at 3,268 citizens, the majority of whom were found clutching a warm Bud Lite in their rigor mortis wracked hand.
“Football is a great thing, it really is, but too much football can be deadly. If you or your loved one has watched more than 8 hours of football in one sitting, have purchased a foam finger or a cheese head in the past 24 hours, or have ranted for more than 5 minutes at a time about his or her fantasy team, please seek medical attention immediately,” Nutter said.
The death toll is expected to top over 15,000 at the conclusion of tonight’s Eagles game.