Mayor Michael Nutter

Philadelphia earmarks millions of dollars for time travel on Back to the Future Day

BTF

Woah, that’s heavy.

Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Michael Nutter and the Philadelphia City Council unanimously passed a measure this morning during an emergency council meeting to earmark $1.21 million of the city’s budget to the development of a time travel machine.

The city government passed the measure on Back to the Future Day, the day Doc Brown and Marty McFly traveled to in “Back to the Future Part II” when they used their time traveling DeLorean to go into the future.

“It’s no coincidence we did this on Back to the Future Day. If you recall, Doc Brown and Marty McFly used their time machine throughout the series of movies to right the wrongs of the past and improve their current time period. We hope to do the same in Philadelphia, namely by traveling back to Thursday, June 26, 2014 and stopping Sam Hinkie from ever drafting that complete stiff Joel Embiid. It’s just one of the events we plan on changing when we finally develop a super-cool time traveling machine,” Mayor Michael Nutter declared during a mid-afternoon press conference.

The city hopes to develop a sleek time travel machine made out of a “super awesome Corvette” or “bitching dune buggy,” Nutter revealed Wednesday.

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Before leaving Philadelphia, Pope Francis cures Liberty Bell

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAPhiladelphia, PA – In what can only be described as a miracle, Pope Francis cured the Liberty Bell of its debilitating crack prior to leaving the city today.

“He passed Independence Hall and onlookers inside said the Liberty Bell no longer had its crack. Unbelievable,” Mayor Michael Nutter said Monday.

The bell apparently was cured of its crack after Pope Francis nodded and waved his hand towards the tourists who were looking at the tourist attraction Monday morning.

Francis declined to comment, but only winked and nodded to the reporters when they asked him about the apparent miracle.

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Thousands feared dead in massive Philadelphia football fever outbreak

The CDC has released a special infographic detailing the dangers of Football Fever.

The CDC has released a special infographic detailing the dangers of Football Fever.

Philadelphia, PA – The death toll has topped 3,000 today as a city gripped in a full fledged case of football fever can only sit and wait to see if the epidemic will claim anymore victims.

Mayor Michael Nutter addressed the media this morning and said the situation in the city was grim.

“Far too emergency responders were summoned this weekend by frantic callers saying their loved ones were unresponsive on their couches, love seats, or in many, many cases, their La-Z-Boy recliners. In 95% of the cases the emergency technicians could not revive our citizens,” Nutter said.

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Philadelphia readies itself for “Class-5 Burrell” set to devastate city Friday evening

pat_burrell

The GOAT.

Philadelphia, PA – City residents, bars, girlfriends and wives are preparing themselves for this week’s estimated “Class-5 Burrell” set to slam into Philadelphia sometime Friday evening.

Experts are predicting this year’s devastation could be the worse yet, far worse than the “Class-4 Burrell” the city experienced in October of 2008.

“The last time Pat Burrell blew into this city it took Philadelphia months to recover,” said Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz. “So much destruction. We never thought we would get back on track, but we managed to survive. Unfortunately, from our early estimations this year’s Burrell could be bigger, more destructive, and far more drunk than the Burrell we remember riding on top of the horse drawn beer cart at the 2008 World Series championship parade.”

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Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch

RIP.

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

In wake of DNC announcement, city forces cancellation of 2016 Phillies season

democratic-national-conventionPhiladelphia, PA – On the heels of the announcement that the Democratic National Convention will be held in Philadelphia 2016, city officials announced a massive cleanup of the city would commence, with the goal of eliminating Philadelphia’s worst blights before being thrust into the national spotlight.

As part of improving the city’s image and making it less embarrassing, Mayor Michael Nutter revealed the city has officially cancelled the Philadelphia Phillies 2016 season.

“We want to put our best foot forward when the leaders of the Democratic party come to our fair city next year. While we do understand this might be a disappointment for the dozens of Phillies fans throughout the area, we feel this will be what’s best for business,” Nutter said.

A similar decision was made in 2000 when the Republican National Convention was held in Philadelphia. Admiral Wilson Boulevard, a gateway into the city from New Jersey, went through a beautification process and the varied strip clubs and hourly rate motels were shuttered and closed.

“Just like in 2000 when we didn’t want some of the most powerful politicians in the country driving past lewd and embarrassing businesses when they came into Philadelphia, we don’t want the leaders of America driving past Citizens Bank Park and seeing the dreck and affronts to human decency taking place their throughout the summer,” Nutter said.

Nutter said politicians such as Hillary Clinton and Cory Booker do not need to see that nonsense during their stay in Philadelphia.

“This is supposed to be a nice visit for these politicians, not a brutal test of will the Phillies put us through each and every horrific year,” he said.

In addition to the cancellation of the season, Nutter said Ruben Amaro Jr. will be forced to spend the entirety of the DNC in a bomb shelter below city hall.