Pope Francis

Nation heavily critizing contents of 76ers red uniforms this holiday season

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – A vocal majority of basketball fans across the country are claiming the Philadelphia 76ers are “waging a war against basketball, Christmas, and all that is holy” this holiday season every time the team wears their new red uniforms.

Joshua Feuerstein, a former pastor who now calls himself a “social media personality,” has been leading a charge against the 76ers for their decision to sometimes wear red uniforms during the Christmas season.

“They’re waging a war against basketball…every time they wear those jerseys it’s an affront to the Lord and everything we love about the game,” he said. “It’s a real shame that they’re choosing to wear red, a traditional color of Christmas, and they’re this putrid of a team. Can’t they stick to their white uniforms and leave Christmas alone?”

The 76ers, 0-7 on the year, have not won a game since last March. Basketball fans cross the country have been criticizing the contents of the 76ers red uniforms so close to Christmas.

Many are calling for a boycott of the 76ers if they do not shelve the special red uniforms until after the holiday season.

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Before leaving Philadelphia, Pope Francis cures Liberty Bell

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAPhiladelphia, PA – In what can only be described as a miracle, Pope Francis cured the Liberty Bell of its debilitating crack prior to leaving the city today.

“He passed Independence Hall and onlookers inside said the Liberty Bell no longer had its crack. Unbelievable,” Mayor Michael Nutter said Monday.

The bell apparently was cured of its crack after Pope Francis nodded and waved his hand towards the tourists who were looking at the tourist attraction Monday morning.

Francis declined to comment, but only winked and nodded to the reporters when they asked him about the apparent miracle.

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Pope Francis cancels Philadelphia visit

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – Less than two weeks away from his highly anticipated visit to Philadelphia, representatives for Pope Francis have announced the leader of the Catholic world decided to abruptly cancel his visit.

The decision came Tuesday morning, Vatican representatives said, but a release to the press was not made available until today.

The release did not include a statement from the pope, but simply mentioned he “did not have the desire to visit Philadelphia any longer.”

However, the decision was made much more clear today, as Pope Francis made a public comment to the press from the Vatican.

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Former Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow converts to Judaism

RT_tim_tebow_140321_16x9_608Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a change in his life after the latest setback to his professional football career, formerly devout follower of the Catholic faith Tim Tebow decided it was time for a new chapter in his life and completed his conversion to Judaism late Wednesday evening.

The embattled professional athlete said it was definitely for the best.

“Let’s be honest, I wasn’t doing so hot as a Catholic. Sure I had a good run there for a few years, honored my mother, kept a few commandments holy, gave up soda a few times for lent….but where did it get me? Cut by the Eagles and out of football. Where’s your messiah now, Moses?” Tebow asked a group of reporters.

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Pope agrees to bless Sam Bradford’s knees, perform last rites

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – After being delivered a petition signed by thousands of Philadelphia sports fans, Pope Francis agreed to bless the knees of oft-injured Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford.

The Pope agreed to bless Bradford’s knees in a display of good humor with the ravenous sports city and its fans, who are understandably nervous going into this year’s season with the shaky Bradford.

The Pope also agreed to perform the last rites on Bradford, claiming it would likely save him time.

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NFL: Pope Francis visit to Philadelphia altered Eagles schedule

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – As the NFL schedule for the Philadelphia Eagles was released yesterday, an interesting wrinkle faced by the schedulers was revealed this morning. The Eagles 2015-2016 schedule was directly altered by Pope Francis’ visit to the city of brotherly love in September, as the leader of the Christian world declared there was “absolutely no way” he would be in the same city as the New York Jets during his worldwide tour.

Philadelphia Cardinal Justin Francis Rigali sent the NFL a letter, respectfully asking the Eagles not play a home game during week 3 of the season during the Pope’s visit.

“There is enough suffering in the world that I have to see and attend to when I’m traveling, I don’t need my mood darkened by a third rate NFL team in my presence,” Pope Francis said in a letter to the NFL earlier this year.

Citing their lack of an NFL caliber quarterback, two washed up running backs and the “insanity of bringing back Revis,” Pope Francis declared the Jets to be an absolute train wreck.

In addition to the Jets not being allowed in Philadelphia during his presence, Pope Francis also asked that several other people and organizations not be in the city during his visit:

– “Please remove Howard Eskin from the city confines during  my trip. I don’t need to hear his nonsense on the radio or even on Twitter.”

– “The less I see of Ruben Amaro Jr., the better, believe me.”

– “Sam Bradford may stay, but please tell him to stop sending me letters to heal his ailments. There’s only so much I can do during my trip.”

As of press time, Howard Eskin and 55 of his fur coats were dumped over Philadelphia city lines by Philadelphia Police and told not to come back until October.

Heeding Philadelphia’s call, Pope Francis condemns Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell
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Pope Francis has had it up to HERE with Ruben Amaro Jr.’s nonsense.

Philadelphia, PA – Pope Francis gained a few more followers in the city of brotherly love today, as he endorsed a Vatican referendum condemning Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell.

Pope Francis, who is scheduled to visit Philadelphia in September, said he heard the citizens of Philadelphia loud and clear.

“I have heard the prayers of the thousands of Philadelphians, and I am not deaf,” Francis said during a recent general audience in Rome. “You want him to burn for eternity in hell, than it shall be so.”

Francis waved both hands at the audience as he was greeted with raucous cheers. He most certainly endeared himself to Philadelphians who prayed on bended knee day and night this past off season for Amaro Jr. to finally meet his maker and be cast into the foulest depths of the afterlife.

Francis gave his blessing to those who wished ill will towards Amaro Jr., citing the once mighty Philadelphia Phillies fall from grace as “reason enough” to wish someone’s soul to roast on the coals of hell for all time.

“I too am disappointed Amaro Jr. traded Cliff Lee and got nothing in return in 2010. I understand the Phillies could have had both pitchers all year, ultimately guaranteeing at least another World Series appearance. It’s a tragedy,” Francis said. “He truly wasted what could have been a glorious few years for the Philadelphia Phillies. And for this, yes, he does deserve to rot in hell.”

Francis promised he would make the decision official during his September visit. He urged all Philadelphians to bring various Ruben Amaro Jr. pictures and paraphernalia to the ceremony, promising it would be one to remember.

“To make up for his tomfoolery, I have also decided to nominate Harry Kalas for sainthood. Lord knows he did more for this city than Rube ever did,” Francis declared.