Atlanta Falcons

Nation spends morning dry heaving into bucket

giphyAbout 99% of the population spent this morning huddled up next to a bucket, eyes closed, hair hanging dangerously close to the fetid liquid in said bucket, dry heaving mercilessly as their bodies had no more matter to expel from their wasted bodies.

Stomachs heaved and heads were put back into said bucket as the nation recalled the 25 point comeback pulled off by the Patriots in arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever played in the history of the NFL, cementing Brady and Belichick as the greatest coach and quarterback duo of all time.

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Talk about a real Deflategate! Tom Brady delayed to Super Bowl LI due to flat tire

tom-brady-ten-years-10-21-15Houston, Texas – Sometimes the truth is definitely stranger than fiction!

Tom Brady experienced another “Deflategate” this afternoon as he drove down I-45 to NRG stadium and his Lexus blew a tire, delaying the star quarterback’s arrival to the stadium by several minutes.

Brady’s black Lexus reportedly careened into the guard rail before coming to a rest on the shoulder of the highway.

Guess that tire was a little under-inflated, am I right! Hope Roger Goodell doesn’t find out his tire was under the suggested PSI or his car may get suspended for the rest of the season!

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

I guess being so poor at picking games is softened by this country slowly moving down a conveyor belt hovering over rapidly spinning thresher blades. It’s only a matter of time, people, before we see the four horsemen of the apocalypse riding roughshod through the sky. IT’S THE END OF DAYS, REPENT, REPENT FOR ALL YOUR WORTH YOU NONBELIEVERS.

But hey, Eagles this weekend! Eagles! 4-4 and teetering on the edge of the volcano with the high-powered Falcons offense coming to town. What’s a conservative estimate for Julio Jones’s performance this Sunday? 180 yards and 2 touchdowns? I’ll consider it a victory for the Eagles horrendous secondary if he stays under 200 yards receiving.

Anyways, somehow this game is a pick-em. I figure we’d reach out to someone who is on Cloud 9 after Donald’s big victory this week to give us his prediction for the Eagles game at 1 p.m. on Sunday.

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Pope Francis cancels Philadelphia visit

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – Less than two weeks away from his highly anticipated visit to Philadelphia, representatives for Pope Francis have announced the leader of the Catholic world decided to abruptly cancel his visit.

The decision came Tuesday morning, Vatican representatives said, but a release to the press was not made available until today.

The release did not include a statement from the pope, but simply mentioned he “did not have the desire to visit Philadelphia any longer.”

However, the decision was made much more clear today, as Pope Francis made a public comment to the press from the Vatican.

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Snickers the Possum is back and doing what he loves best, analyzing football!
Snickers the possum.

Snickers the possum.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that discarded banana peels are excellent sources of potassium and I’m an excellent football analyst.

You may ask yourself, HEY, how in the world can a possum be good at analyzing football? Well, it’s a simple answer. I love to skulk around people’s homes here on Maple Avenue and when I’m not snout deep in a discarded baby diaper I’m peeping into windows and watching football! What a game. The brutality, the excitement, the wide open fields a lucky possum could scamper through while eating peanut shells and living his life to the fullest….but I digress.

And boy oh boy, where I live is Eagles country so I’ve seen more Eagles games in my life than I’ve eaten moldy pieces of bread, which let me tell you, is quite a lot. I have the intestinal parasites to prove it.

So I’ll be here, each Friday, giving my professional opinion on the upcoming Eagles game and letting you, the fair reader, know what to expect each week.

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