Philadelphia PA – A sheepish Ruben Amaro Jr. faced a contingency of sports media personnel this afternoon after a Phillies employee anonymously released a record of Amaro’s internet history to The Coggin Toboggan.
Amaro apparently accessed the “Ask Jeeves” search engine around 1 p.m. this afternoon and spent roughly three hours searching variations of “deflated baseballs,” “how to deflate baseballs,” and “advantages to deflating baseballs.”
“I truly apologize for my behavior today. I’m a dedicated leader of this baseball organization, and I guess I just got caught up in trying to give us any possible advantage to help us win some ballgames,” Amaro Jr. said. “I saw the New England Patriots were charged with deflating balls this weekend and the advantage it posed for them, so I wondered if we could possibly use it ourselves.”
Amaro Jr. put on a stern face and pursed his trembling bottom lip, trying to hold back tears.
“But I want to firmly deny that we have ever deflated baseballs in the past. This is firmly on me.”
In addition to his queries on how to deflate baseballs, The CT also learned Amaro Jr. conducted the following searches:
– “Is Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn a free agent this year?”
– “Possible advantages to installing springs on bottom of cleats? IE: Spring shoes?”
– “Magical properties of lightning strikes on baseball bats.”
– “What is Grindr and why does Larry Andersen keep telling me I should sign up for it?”
Amaro Jr. then concluded his press release and was seen walking back into clubhouse with a gigantic wooden crate labeled “Flubber.”