You’d think the 94 WIP programmers in charge of keeping Angelo Cataldi-Bot 2.0 current would have given him a much needed software update after the Eagles won their first Super Bowl against the Patriots this past February.
Hook him up to the computer, download the latest patch to keep him churning for another year, and let’s at LEAST get some new, incorrect takes from this dinosaur.
Here is is assessment from last night’s loss to the Patriots. Bear in mind, this is the preseason. It means absolutely nothing.
I am embarrassed to be a Philadelphia sports fan today. Mets 24, Phillies 4. Patriots 37, Eagles 20. Gabe Kapler made a mockery of baseball by using by Quinn and Kingery as pitchers. Pederson did not have his team ready to play. Disgraceful.
I’ve been meaning to tell you guys something for a while now…I’m usually not one to beat around the bush, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m a straight shooter, okay? I just come out and say what we want to say, you know? I don’t dance around things, I don’t hint, I don’t nudge, I just come right out and say it. Yes, I come right out and say what I truly believe, do you know what I’m saying?
The Eagles won Super Bowl LII. They won the Super Bowl. FUCKING FINALLY, they won the Super Bowl.
Last night I posted a heartfelt story about the win, about watching the game with my dad, my brother, my wife and wishing my other brother had been with us (instead of watching it in the city) to celebrate in our joy.
But that’s not us, right? That’s not The Coggin Toboggan. We have a “no hugging, no learning” rule like Seinfeld, but I figured we could at least break it for one night after a once in a lifetime moment.
Let’s get back to basics. Let’s get mean again, let’s get childish, let’s get back to our ROOTS as the most hated blog in Philadelphia.
Everyone in the franchise is thanking everyone for the Super Bowl win. God. Their family members. Belichick for inexplicably benching his start cornerback for no reason. It’s exhausting.
Who shouldn’t be thanked? Who deserves to be ridiculed and chastised for doing absolutely nothing for the franchise or the city? Here’s a running list of all those in franchise history who should NOT be thanked following last night’s Super Bowl victory:
I’m dying right now. DYING. Six hours to go until the Super Bowl LII and I can’t concentrate on anything else. Sure I took my kid for a walk this morning, but I was obsessively checking twitter for Eagles updates as he silently judged me from the stroller for my shoddy parenting. Kid, I know, believe me….but give me one day of being an absentee father, it’s been 13 years since the Eagles were in the Super Bowl and I’m a little fucking distracted.
I can’t stop looking at the torn Eagles poster from the Inquirer we haphazardly put in our window before the playoff run. It has seen better days, especially considering my kid wants to play with it every second (and by play, I mean fling it over his head and stomp on it until he gets bored).
I tried to recall exactly what it was I was doing back in 2005 in the hours leading up to the game. I was a senior at SUNY Binghamton and I made the three-hour drive to come back home and watch it at my buddy Kevin’s apartment in Queen Village. I 100% was not going to watch it with my jackass college friends (all Giants fans) who would have been giving each other silent smirks as I melted down into a pool of blind rage throughout the second half.
Do you remember how you felt before the season started? Back in July before training camp kicked off? Most were predicting a 9-7 year, possibly 10-6, with a CHANCE to get into the playoffs, and that was with a healthy Darren Sproles, Jason Peters, Jordan Hicks and Carson Wentz.
Seven months later, after 13 wins and 3 losses, 2 shocking wins in the playoffs, the Eagles are two days away from playing in the Super Bowl.
The mother fucking Super Bowl. Against the mother fucking New England Patriots, same as they were 14 years ago in 2004.
But there’s a difference between this year and 2004. Can you feel it? If you’ve been in the city over the past two weeks since their domination of the Minnesota Vikings, if you’ve watched the nightly news, if you’ve seen the 8 million highlight videos of the year’s best plays…you can sense the difference. You can sense the joy, the happiness, the ELECTRICITY of a team the city has come to love above all others.
You know, I’m sure WEEI’s Alex Reimer was just feeling his oats on Thursday. He’s part of the popular Kirk & Callahan Boston sports talk radio show, he gets to chat with Super Bowl bound quarterback Tom Brady on a weekly basis, he probably thought he had even built up a bit of a rapport with the famously mercurial Brady. Brady’s a dad, he knows his kid can be annoying sometimes, right?! I mean, he’d probably get a kick out of a joke teasing his daughter for her behavior in that “Tom vs. Time” documentary. They’re buddies now, right? It will be great!
Oh Alex, no. No, it will not be great. Don’t do it….don’t you dare do it.
For the second year in a row, several of the more popular NFL GMs took the opportunity to make Howie Roseman’s life miserable, as they bullied the Eagles GM into giving them a “free agency tax” of whatever pocket money he had in his wallet and his iPhone, which they promptly threw into a nearby toilet in a girl’s restroom.
Despite Roseman’s protests that would he be telling “Mr. Lurie about this,” New England Patriots coach and de facto GM Bill Belichick put Roseman into a vicious headlock while Steelers GM Kevin Colbert gave him several wet willies.