Bill Belichick

Cooler, more popular NFL GMs throw Howie Roseman’s iPhone into the toilet on legal tampering day

howieFor the second year in a row, several of the more popular NFL GMs took the opportunity to make Howie Roseman’s life miserable, as they bullied the Eagles GM into giving them a “free agency tax” of whatever pocket money he had in his wallet and his iPhone, which they promptly threw into a nearby toilet in a girl’s restroom.

Despite Roseman’s protests that would he be telling “Mr. Lurie about this,” New England Patriots coach and de facto GM Bill Belichick put Roseman into a vicious headlock while Steelers GM Kevin Colbert gave him several wet willies.

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Nation spends morning dry heaving into bucket

giphyAbout 99% of the population spent this morning huddled up next to a bucket, eyes closed, hair hanging dangerously close to the fetid liquid in said bucket, dry heaving mercilessly as their bodies had no more matter to expel from their wasted bodies.

Stomachs heaved and heads were put back into said bucket as the nation recalled the 25 point comeback pulled off by the Patriots in arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever played in the history of the NFL, cementing Brady and Belichick as the greatest coach and quarterback duo of all time.

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Howie Roseman clarifies reason for Eric Rowe trade: “I didn’t like his jerk-off face”

102813-howie-roseman-600Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman commented on his controversial decision to trade cornerback Eric Rowe to the New England Patriots prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season this morning during an appearance on the 94 WIP Morning Show with Angelo Cataldi.

Roseman noted he felt as if he should give the fans an explanation of why Rowe, a second year cornerback that has found success with the Super Bowl bound Patriots, was traded for a 2018 4th round draft pick.

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Exciting weekend of football let down by Patriots/Seahawks nightcap

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Yuck.

A nation of football fans were treated to a spectacular weekend of professional and college match ups, as the #2, #3 and #4 nationally ranked college teams lost in nail biting fashion and the NFL hosted several of the finest games its seen all season.

However, the vaunted Patriots vs. Seahawks Sunday nightcap didn’t live up to fan expectations.

In a national survey, fans who stayed up to watch the 31-24 Seahawks victory felt disappointed that they didn’t witness a career ending Tom Brady injury or a stadium collapse that enveloped both teams under tons of rubble, concrete and rebar.

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Patriots forced to release Donovan McNabb puking blooper reel

mcnabbPhiladelphia, PA – After ESPN released a massive, hard hitting story on Tuesday afternoon detailing the scope of the New England Patriots alleged efforts to cheat from 2000 to 2007, illegal videos taped by Patriots employees have started to surface as the investigation digs deeper.

Despite multiple fan and player accounts accusing the Patriots of stealing Eagles signals during the 2004 Super Bowl, no such videos or evidence have yet to surface.

However, a Kraft Productions video tape of the Eagles during the Super Bowl did surface yesterday and has brought the city down to its core.

Entitled, “Donovan McNabb Super Bowl Puke-a-Rama,” the two-and-a-half minute, professionally edited video shows new angles confirming the Eagles quarterback puking during the fourth quarter of the Eagles comeback attempt.

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Bill Belichick fully expects Aaron Hernandez to report for training camp

Fully expected to be available next season.

Fully expected to be available next season.

Boston, MASS – Despite former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez being found guilty of murder in the first degree this morning, head coach Bill Belichick said he expects the tight end to be accounted for this summer when the Patriots begin their 2015 training camp.

“Good, I’m glad that’s over with. Now that this trial nonsense is over with, I fully expect Aaron to be with us at training camp on time. Who wants to tell me different?” Belichick said, glowering as he spoke to Coggin reporters.

“He’s had two years of rest, it’s time for him to get back on the football field and do something that really matters. I’ll be happy when this distraction is over. He’s a young man that has made a mistake or two, but we won’t hold it against him.”

Hernandez, of course, was found guilty this morning by a jury of his peers for the murder of Odin Lloyd after an altercation at a nightclub. He faces an automatic sentence of life imprisonment with no parole.

Belichick said he was happy the ordeal was over with and New England could now refocus its thoughts on something of actual importance with real-world implications.

“We’re beginning our title defense in 2015-2016. We need his ability to stretch the field and give us a valuable two tight end set that no defense will be able to match. Sure he might have some rough edges, but I can’t imagine he won’t be with us next season. This is what really matters,” he said.

When told that Hernandez is also facing an upcoming trial for charges of double murder, Belichick said he would allow for it only if it didn’t interfere with mini camp training sessions.

The ladies have spoken!

Easy there Tom, kids go on this blog!

Easy there Tom, kids go on this blog!

Ladies, we heard you loud and clear at The Coggin Toboggan. Thanks for participating in our first ever Smooch Off poll between Tom Crean, University of Indiana mens head basketball coach, and Bill Belichik, head coach of the New England Patriots.

Bill put up a good fight, but the ladies cast their support behind Tom Crean smooching his son after an Indiana basketball game! And what’s not to like, am I right? That slicked back hair, the tender kiss, what lucky lady would not want to find themselves with Crean and his son!

Better luck next year, Bill. Maybe if you show a bit more passion with your daughter you might win the second annual Smooch Off poll at the CT!

Crean declined to comment on his victory and promptly blocked us on Twitter. Ooooh he’s a firey one!