Pete Carroll

Exciting weekend of football let down by Patriots/Seahawks nightcap

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Yuck.

A nation of football fans were treated to a spectacular weekend of professional and college match ups, as the #2, #3 and #4 nationally ranked college teams lost in nail biting fashion and the NFL hosted several of the finest games its seen all season.

However, the vaunted Patriots vs. Seahawks Sunday nightcap didn’t live up to fan expectations.

In a national survey, fans who stayed up to watch the 31-24 Seahawks victory felt disappointed that they didn’t witness a career ending Tom Brady injury or a stadium collapse that enveloped both teams under tons of rubble, concrete and rebar.

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Editor’s note: Was it too much to ask for a mumps outbreak?

Where was the mumps virus when we needed it the most?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Like the majority of Americans last night, I could not have cared about either team competing in Super Bowl XLIX. Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther nut job, Bill Belichick is a curmudgeon who looked like he enjoyed the victory for all of 2.3 seconds before setting his sights on next season, and not a single player on either roster I wished to see have any type of success.

But, unlike so many fans I’ve heard complain about the game and those that wished injuries or even death upon the participants in last night’s Super Bowl, I say relax. It’s just a game people, there’s no reason for such negative thoughts!

That being said, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I wish a mumps outbreak had spread like wildfire throughout both locker rooms.

Look, Mumps is rarely deadly in adults (1 in 10,000 will die according to WHO), so I think we all could have felt a lot better about the outcome if every single member of each team and coaching staff had contracted the virus at halftime and incubated until the game was over.

Just think about it. We would have had the enjoyment of the game (which was thrilling) but when the virus stopped its incubation period at the final whistle and its symptoms began to appear, it would have been double the fun!

Just imagine, NBC cameras broadcasting a swollen throat Tom Brady desperately trying to take a celebratory sip of champagne, but being in too much pain to do so. Or maybe Richard Sherman face down on Seattle’s bench, too weak to move, as confetti showers down over him, sticking to his sweat soaked fever skin?

Maybe even, if we were lucky, Pete Carroll cursing God as his body is wracked with muscle aches because he had refused a Mumps vaccination, fearing it would give him autism?

At the very least I would have enjoyed seeing Robert Kraft keel over in his suite, surrounded by loved ones also clutching their swollen throats. Not dead, obviously, but at least in some discomfort.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Super Bowl we all deserved.

BREAKING NEWS: Insufferable prick, 9-11 Truther lead teams to the Super Bowl

Philadelphia PA – Football fans across the country watched on in horror as Bill Belichick, an asshole of immense proportions and well known prick, and Pete Carroll, a 9-11 truther and all around hunk of shit, respectively led the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots to an appearance against each other at Super Bowl XLIX.

Insufferable prick Bill Belichick, who is no doubt receiving stolen information to win another crucial game to the disgust of millions.

NFL fans could only watch and suffer through both games, as the Packers squandered away a last minute lead to lose in overtime and the Patriots dominated the Colts for four quarters.

“Hey look, it’s not like the Packers are that great and I don’t know a ton about (head coach) Mike McCarthy, but I do know one thing…they’re not the fucking Seattle Seahawks,” said Patrick Mooney, a Cleveland arc-welder who dourly sat through both games. “And Bill Belichick, god I’d love to kick the teeth out of his head. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do for the Super Bowl? This sucks.”

Belichick, hands stuffed in his ratty Patriots hoodie for 99% of the game, scowled his way through a New England blowout of the Indianapolis Colts and sullenly tromped around the Patriots sidelines, never once looking like he was enjoying himself or showing one ounce of emotion. Millions of football fans throughout the country smashed remotes against household walls, declaring him a “cunt of epic proportions” and in all likelihood a “no good piece of shit cheater,” no doubt referencing the 2007 Spygate controversy.

Noted piece of shit Pete Caroll, probably thinking about how the U.S. government engineered 9-11.

Carroll was not better received across America, as he mugged and celebrated for cameras after Russell Wilson threw a game winning touchdown to Jermaine Kearse in overtime of the NFC championship.

“He probably celebrated by watching Loose Change for the millionth time, god what a jackass,” said Tom Schwartz, an engineer from New York City, referencing the now debunked 9-11 truther documentary. “He thought 9-11 was an inside job and coaches one of the most hated teams in this country. God, I hope the 12^th man stomps his head in one day when they suck again.”

Collective heads were held in hands across the country as the dim realization of two of the most hated teams in the league would be appearing in the final football game of the year.

“Who do I want to win? I think we’d all win if a 747 crashed into the Phoenix stadium and took out all of those losers,” said Chris Johnson, who threw a bottle of Wild Turkey against his wall and staggered outside of his home, where he promptly passed out on his front lawn.

However, as of press time, it was noted that moods throughout the country lifted slightly as fans realized that at least the Dallas Cowboys would not be in the Super Bowl.