Bill Simmons

Exciting weekend of football let down by Patriots/Seahawks nightcap

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Yuck.

A nation of football fans were treated to a spectacular weekend of professional and college match ups, as the #2, #3 and #4 nationally ranked college teams lost in nail biting fashion and the NFL hosted several of the finest games its seen all season.

However, the vaunted Patriots vs. Seahawks Sunday nightcap didn’t live up to fan expectations.

In a national survey, fans who stayed up to watch the 31-24 Seahawks victory felt disappointed that they didn’t witness a career ending Tom Brady injury or a stadium collapse that enveloped both teams under tons of rubble, concrete and rebar.

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Ben Simmons Scouting Report (by an intern confusing him with Bill Simmons)

ben_simmons-vresize-1200-675-high-10All eyes are on the Philadelphia 76ers for the upcoming 2016 NBA draft, as the beleaguered franchise finally caught a stroke of good luck when it was awarded the first overall pick earlier this week.

Many believe the race is down to two candidates, with Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram being considered by the franchise. It seems to be an odd choice, as Ben “The Sports Guy” Simmons is well into his 40s and is a white male of average height.

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Special Guest Column: Bill Simmons

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up next, Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy. 

23simmonsweb-master675Hey guys. I woke up this morning thinking about the Boston Celtics. Now, hear me out, I know I usually don’t write about Boston sports, but this will have a point, believe me.

I fell asleep last night watching Hoosiers while sobbing quietly into my pillow as I thought back to the Patriots playoff loss against Denver (Tom Brady is the GOAT, just like Billy Zabka in the Karate Kid and Back to School), and in between threats of divorce from my wife I realized I royally screwed up.

I realized I screwed up more than the horrendous decision to cast Jimmy Fallon in “Fever Pitch” (could have been a top tier movie if they had cast my boy Ben Affleck, the guy can at least do a Boston accent).

You know how I screwed up? Well, I’m trying to get my site off the ground and I opened up an old email and was shocked. I was more shocked than when Mickey died in Rocky III (Rocky V never happened), and if you know me, that means I was truly shocked to my core.

I saw an email from a buddy of mine who forwarded me an article from some website called “The Coggin Toboggan” where their editor offered me a job when Grantland got shut down. 

No big deal, right? WRONG. I started to read some of the site and I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

The site was hilarious. Funnier than my buddy J-Sock after one of our fantasy football drafts.

And when I emailed them, begging for an opportunity? They told me I could write this guest column and would possibly let me write more in the future, but the offer had been rescinded.

Biggest mistake of my life. I knew, at that moment, that I was a born loser. Just like my beloved Boston Celtics (remember them? I mentioned them at the top of this column and now I’m loosely trying to connect a weak theme throughout the article. It’s one of my trademarks) I’m a born loser.

White Shadow White Shadow White Shadow, Back to School and Caddyshack, New England Patriots and gambling. Vegas baby!

So yeah, go to my new website, The Ringer, but just realize that I wish I was writing for the Coggin Toboggan instead of running that piece of garbage.

Go Red Sox!

Editor’s Note: Always a spot at the table for you at the Coggin Toboggan, Bill Simmons

Our conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

The conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN and The Coggin Toboggan is throwing itself into the fray to court the media giant. Simmons must get like 200 to 300 views a day on the articles he writers for ESPN and Grantland, so it would be an absolute coup to snatch him up and have him exclusively write for The Coggin Toboggan.

As the current Editor in Chief, I can assure you, Bill, I will be as hands off as any boss you’ve ever worked with. Frankly, you’ll go weeks without seeing me in the office, as I’ll be too busy slipping in and out of drunken stupors and defending myself against the countless cases of sexual harassment leveled against me from female and male employees alike.

We like the cut of your jib, I’ll be honest. You’ll have the freedom here to write about whatever you like, as long as you pass our rigorous editing/ethics test and work your way up from an internship first.

Sure we may not be able to pay you as much as ESPN, but I do assure you we can make this deal beneficial for all parties involved.

As founder, I can assure you the following if you sign a 10-year contract with us today. This deal will be taken off the (above) table if you do not sign with us by the stroke of midnight:

– A salary UPWARDS of $35,000 a year, depending on bonuses and ads sold.

– Your very own chair. Currently, CT employees rotate the three office chairs among the thousands of employees in the building every 10 minutes. I can assure you that you will have your very own beach and/or picnic chair.

– An office located as far away as possible from the one hallway here that is deeply infested with bats.

– An Apple Newton for your professional use.

– A coupon book from me filled to the brim with valuable offers. IE: One free backrub, one free shoulder massage, one full body massage with/without a happy ending.

– A personal key to the executive outhouse.

– No charge if you decide to take a deep inhale from the company ether rag.

Bill, I think you’ll find this offer more than fair and I can GUARANTEE no other website will come close to what we will give you.

Welcome to the winning team.

Editor’s note: Was it too much to ask for a mumps outbreak?

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Where was the mumps virus when we needed it the most?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Like the majority of Americans last night, I could not have cared about either team competing in Super Bowl XLIX. Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther nut job, Bill Belichick is a curmudgeon who looked like he enjoyed the victory for all of 2.3 seconds before setting his sights on next season, and not a single player on either roster I wished to see have any type of success.

But, unlike so many fans I’ve heard complain about the game and those that wished injuries or even death upon the participants in last night’s Super Bowl, I say relax. It’s just a game people, there’s no reason for such negative thoughts!

That being said, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I wish a mumps outbreak had spread like wildfire throughout both locker rooms.

Look, Mumps is rarely deadly in adults (1 in 10,000 will die according to WHO), so I think we all could have felt a lot better about the outcome if every single member of each team and coaching staff had contracted the virus at halftime and incubated until the game was over.

Just think about it. We would have had the enjoyment of the game (which was thrilling) but when the virus stopped its incubation period at the final whistle and its symptoms began to appear, it would have been double the fun!

Just imagine, NBC cameras broadcasting a swollen throat Tom Brady desperately trying to take a celebratory sip of champagne, but being in too much pain to do so. Or maybe Richard Sherman face down on Seattle’s bench, too weak to move, as confetti showers down over him, sticking to his sweat soaked fever skin?

Maybe even, if we were lucky, Pete Carroll cursing God as his body is wracked with muscle aches because he had refused a Mumps vaccination, fearing it would give him autism?

At the very least I would have enjoyed seeing Robert Kraft keel over in his suite, surrounded by loved ones also clutching their swollen throats. Not dead, obviously, but at least in some discomfort.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Super Bowl we all deserved.

Wing Bowl 23 favorites and long shots

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The very subtle Wing Bowl 23 logo.

The most morbidly obese eating challenge in Philadelphia is nearly upon us, as Wing Bowl 23 is set to kick off at the Wells Fargo Center on Friday, Jan. 30. Originally developed by 94 WIP Morning Show’s Angelo Cataldi as a way to fight the stereotype of Philadelphia being a city filled with only gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs, the Wing Bowl opens its doors each year for thousands of gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs to get shit faced at 4 a.m.

If there’s anything this city likes more than drinking and watching fat guys eat as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes, it’s gambling on fat guys eating as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes. The CT has released a list of odds on the favorites in the competition, as well as a few long shots who just may take home first place in the competition.

As it has been in the past, first place for the Wing Bowl is an all expense paid trip to Jefferson Hospital for an emergency stent procedure.

The Favorites:

• Bill Simmons (aka El Wingador) – 2:1 to win – A former Wing Bowl champion, Simmons has agreed to come out of retirement for one last shot at glory. Simmons ran afoul of the law several years ago for a drug possession charge, but has assured Wing Bowl representatives he will only be selling cocaine prior to and after the competition. He will, though, be high on cocaine the entire day, but that’s just common sense.

• George “The Dumpster” Hammerstein – 6:1 to win – Hammerstein was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, which shows his dedication. May miss the competition, unfortunately, if he can’t have his foot amputation surgery rescheduled.

• You – 10:1 – Come on man, what are you a pussy? Just jump down there and run through the crowd. If you can get by the security and get up on the podium, I’m sure Angelo would let you join, he would like have to! Don’t be a loser, just try it! Holy shit, he’s doing it Sully, he’s doing it! Oh god his wife is going to be so pissed.

The Long Shots:

• Mick Foley (aka Mankind, aka Dude Love, aka Cactus Jack) – 30:1 – Former professional wrestler Mick Foley signed up for the competition several weeks ago (no, it’s really true). The Hardcore legend is rumored to have a bottomless stomach, but has shown an unwillingness to show up to events if his barbed wire wrapped baseball bat is not allowed through security. Will have to focus on eating wings and resist urges to smash folding chairs across other competitors’ backs if he wishes to have success.

• Ryan Howard – 40:1 to win – Current Philadelphia Phillies first baseman signed on for the competition in lieu of preparing for spring training. When asked why he thought he had a chance to win, Howard proclaimed “Philadelphia fans have been calling me a fat piece of crap all year, so I’ll fit right in here.”

• A sense of dignity for anyone involved in this shit show – 1,000:1 – Don’t waste your time.