Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN and The Coggin Toboggan is throwing itself into the fray to court the media giant. Simmons must get like 200 to 300 views a day on the articles he writers for ESPN and Grantland, so it would be an absolute coup to snatch him up and have him exclusively write for The Coggin Toboggan.

As the current Editor in Chief, I can assure you, Bill, I will be as hands off as any boss you’ve ever worked with. Frankly, you’ll go weeks without seeing me in the office, as I’ll be too busy slipping in and out of drunken stupors and defending myself against the countless cases of sexual harassment leveled against me from female and male employees alike.

We like the cut of your jib, I’ll be honest. You’ll have the freedom here to write about whatever you like, as long as you pass our rigorous editing/ethics test and work your way up from an internship first.

Sure we may not be able to pay you as much as ESPN, but I do assure you we can make this deal beneficial for all parties involved.

As founder, I can assure you the following if you sign a 10-year contract with us today. This deal will be taken off the (above) table if you do not sign with us by the stroke of midnight:

– A salary UPWARDS of $35,000 a year, depending on bonuses and ads sold.

– Your very own chair. Currently, CT employees rotate the three office chairs among the thousands of employees in the building every 10 minutes. I can assure you that you will have your very own beach and/or picnic chair.

– An office located as far away as possible from the one hallway here that is deeply infested with bats.

– An Apple Newton for your professional use.

– A coupon book from me filled to the brim with valuable offers. IE: One free backrub, one free shoulder massage, one full body massage with/without a happy ending.

– A personal key to the executive outhouse.

– No charge if you decide to take a deep inhale from the company ether rag.

Bill, I think you’ll find this offer more than fair and I can GUARANTEE no other website will come close to what we will give you.

Welcome to the winning team.