Special Guest Column: Bill Simmons

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up next, Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy. 

23simmonsweb-master675Hey guys. I woke up this morning thinking about the Boston Celtics. Now, hear me out, I know I usually don’t write about Boston sports, but this will have a point, believe me.

I fell asleep last night watching Hoosiers while sobbing quietly into my pillow as I thought back to the Patriots playoff loss against Denver (Tom Brady is the GOAT, just like Billy Zabka in the Karate Kid and Back to School), and in between threats of divorce from my wife I realized I royally screwed up.

I realized I screwed up more than the horrendous decision to cast Jimmy Fallon in “Fever Pitch” (could have been a top tier movie if they had cast my boy Ben Affleck, the guy can at least do a Boston accent).

You know how I screwed up? Well, I’m trying to get my site off the ground and I opened up an old email and was shocked. I was more shocked than when Mickey died in Rocky III (Rocky V never happened), and if you know me, that means I was truly shocked to my core.

I saw an email from a buddy of mine who forwarded me an article from some website called “The Coggin Toboggan” where their editor offered me a job when Grantland got shut down. 

No big deal, right? WRONG. I started to read some of the site and I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

The site was hilarious. Funnier than my buddy J-Sock after one of our fantasy football drafts.

And when I emailed them, begging for an opportunity? They told me I could write this guest column and would possibly let me write more in the future, but the offer had been rescinded.

Biggest mistake of my life. I knew, at that moment, that I was a born loser. Just like my beloved Boston Celtics (remember them? I mentioned them at the top of this column and now I’m loosely trying to connect a weak theme throughout the article. It’s one of my trademarks) I’m a born loser.

White Shadow White Shadow White Shadow, Back to School and Caddyshack, New England Patriots and gambling. Vegas baby!

So yeah, go to my new website, The Ringer, but just realize that I wish I was writing for the Coggin Toboggan instead of running that piece of garbage.

Go Red Sox!

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