I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.
So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).
Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.
(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)
We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.
Up next, the greatest mascot in all of sports and a Coggin Toboggan favorite (can’t believe we got him!) the Philadelphia Phanatic!
::The Phanatic stomps out to raucous applause before feigning surprise at the attention. Holding up his furry fingers, he reveals a baseball helmet with Mike Missanelli’s picture on it and smashes it to pieces with a gigantic sledgehammer.
He then moves on to a delightful bald man and stands above him and shines his scalp for several minutes, really buffing out that dome with his jersey.
Clomping up to the broadcast booth with a huge tub of popcorn, he “accidentally” spills the entire contents on a visiting Chris Wheeler, who plays along like he enjoys the Phanatic’s antics but is secretly seething on the inside.
The Phanatic ends his column by sticking out his tongue at a visiting Mets fan and clomps his way into the back room.