Philadelphia Phanatic

The Philadelphia Sports Gong Show

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Chuck Barris, famed host of The Gong Show and claimed CIA assassin, passed away this morning at the age of 87. Barris, a Philadelphia native and Drexel University alum, was the King of Daytime TV, also creating television mainstays The Dating Game and the Newlywed Game.

Luckily for us, death decided to give Barris a one-day only reprieve to give him a chance to host the Philadelphia Gong Show, the pinnacle of television, before he has to return to the sweet embrace of the crypt.

Taping has already concluded, but we do have a rundown of the judges and the contestants who participated in the series. Who do you think will win? Who will receive the least amount of gongs? Let’s see, shall we…

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Estranged father of Phanatic ruins his birthday
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The Phanatic and his mother, Phoebe, in happier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Celebrating his birthday with his blessed mother Sunday afternoon as the Phillies took on the Nationals at Citizens Bank Park, the Philadelphia Phanatic’s celebration was ruined by the appearance of his long-estranged father.

The disheveled green mascot unexpectedly showed up Sunday afternoon for the first time in nearly 20 years, much to the dismay of both the Phanatic and his mother, Phoebe.

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Special Guest Column: The Philadelphia Phanatic!

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up next, the greatest mascot in all of sports and a Coggin Toboggan favorite (can’t believe we got him!) the Philadelphia Phanatic!

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Huge fan of our next special guest columnist.

::The Phanatic stomps out to raucous applause before feigning surprise at the attention. Holding up his furry fingers, he reveals a baseball helmet with Mike Missanelli’s picture on it and smashes it to pieces with a gigantic sledgehammer.

He then moves on to a delightful bald man and stands above him and shines his scalp for several minutes, really buffing out that dome with his jersey.

Clomping up to the broadcast booth with a huge tub of popcorn, he “accidentally” spills the entire contents on a visiting Chris Wheeler, who plays along like he enjoys the Phanatic’s antics but is secretly seething on the inside.

The Phanatic ends his column by sticking out his tongue at a visiting Mets fan and clomps his way into the back room.

 

President Obama appoints Philadelphia Phanatic to Supreme Court
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The newest Supreme Court Justice.

Washington, DC – Despite saying he would take his time to appoint a replacement for recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Barack Obama announced today that the Philadelphia Phanatic would be appointed to the highest court in the country.

It comes as a surprise to many political pundits who noted Obama would likely wait a month or two to select a candidate for the position.

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94 WIP rehires Tony Bruno and Josh Innes, plus 8 new co-hosts
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Bruno (left) and Innes are back and will be joined by 8 new co-hosts.

Philadelphia, PA – One day after firing both Josh Innes and Tony Bruno from the afternoon drive time slot, 94 WIP program director Spike Eskin announced the duo has been rehired and will once again man the airwaves from 1 to 6 p.m.

Current host Anthony Gargano, who appeared on the air for one day, was fired. Rob Ellis, his co-host, has been moved to a bi-monthy 3 a.m. show, Eskin said.

“We feel Josh and Tony are the perfect fit for the 1 to 6 p.m. slot  and will definitely challenge Mike MIssanelli for the number one spot in the ratings,” Eskin said during a press conference. “Plus, we think their new co-hosts will really add a lot to their unique brand of sports talk radio.”

Joining Bruno and Innes on a daily basis will be current 94 WIP host Glen Macnow, former host Steve Martorano, former Eagles great Chuck Bednarik, former mayoral candidate Milton Street, former NHL enforcer Dan Kordic, the ghost of Jimmie Foxx, Howard Eskin’s beard and the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“We really think the the Bruno, Innes, Macnow, Martorano, Bednark, Street, Kordic, Foxx, Eskin Beard and Philadelphia Phanatic Show is really going to give the station a firm direction moving forward,” Eskin said. “We’re especially excited about hiring Eskin’s beard, he was a great get.”

Perhaps in a reactionary move, 97.5 the Fanatic agreed to hire former 76ers mascot Hip Hop as a co-host for Missanelli.

Update:

94 WIP announced it has fired Howard Eskin from his part time show, but is allowing his beard to remain in the afternoon drive. Eskin was last seen at Ponzio’s Diner sobbing openly in the Garden Room.