Estranged father of Phanatic ruins his birthday


The Phanatic and his mother, Phoebe, in happier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Celebrating his birthday with his blessed mother Sunday afternoon as the Phillies took on the Nationals at Citizens Bank Park, the Philadelphia Phanatic’s celebration was ruined by the appearance of his long-estranged father.

The disheveled green mascot unexpectedly showed up Sunday afternoon for the first time in nearly 20 years, much to the dismay of both the Phanatic and his mother, Phoebe.

Smoking a stogie and reeking of cheap gin, the Phanatic’s father, whose name is reportedly Franklin, barged into the festivities and attempted to interject himself into the celebration.

“It was heartbreaking. You could tell the Phanatic was skeptical and Phoebe wanted nothing to do with him. Must be a lot of skeletons in that family closet. What happened there? All my kid wanted to see was some of the Phanatic’s trademark capering. Maybe I can get my money back,” said Tammy Hutchinson, who brought her 6-year-old son to his first game.

The crowd was subjected to a wordless, heartbreaking tableau as Franklin took out an empty money bag and held it open in front of the Phanatic, urging the crowd to get behind his obvious plea for money.

Both the Phanatic and Phoebe placed their hands on their chins, contemplating the request, and both stuck their tongues out at the deadbeat dad, denying his request.

The Phanatic then produced a helmet adorned with his father’s picture and smashed it with a sledge hammer. Franklin stomped his foot and shook his fist at his grown son and ex-wife, before leaving in disgust.

At press time, the Phanatic entertained Phoebe with an air-guitar rendition of “Papa was a Rollin’ Stone” as Franklin was escorted from the stadium by Tommy LaSwordfish.



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