Washington, DC – Despite saying he would take his time to appoint a replacement for recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Barack Obama announced today that the Philadelphia Phanatic would be appointed to the highest court in the country.
It comes as a surprise to many political pundits who noted Obama would likely wait a month or two to select a candidate for the position.
Obama said he made his decision when the famous mascot expressed interest in the opening.
“When a candidate like the (Philadelphia) Phanatic makes it known that he will serve on the Supreme Court, you don’t mull it over,” Obama said. “He’s a candidate ever President dreams of appointing to the Supreme Court. When people look back and see who appointed the Phanatic to the Supreme Court, they’ll see it was Barry Obama.”
The Phanatic reportedly beat out such esteemed candidates as Sri Srinivasan, Patricia Ann Millett, Paul Watford, Merrick Garland and several others.
Little is known about where he stands on such controversial topics as stem cell research and global warming issues, but his pro Philadelphia Phillies stance and strong support of all things Harry Kalas related played well with Obama.
Several reports have stated that the Phanatic stuck out his tongue in front of Garland and sashayed playfully behind Srinivasan after driving his ATV to a special White House briefing of the candidates.
The Phanatic reportedly had the presidential staff in stitches as he took the president and Michelle Obama to the top of the White House and led the Obama family in a spirited, choreographed YMCA dance.
“How could you not love him? When he smashed that bust of Watford in front of the White House Press Corps, everyone was just cracking up. And when he kissed (Joe) Biden on the mouth and pretended to be sick? It was just genius. He’s going to be a breath of fresh air while sitting on the Supreme Court,” Republican Party and Senate Leader Mitch McConnell said, who did not try to block the appointment.
At press time, the Phanatic had no comment, but instead pretended to steal Robert L. Wikins’ glasses and dumped an overly sized novelty bucket of popcorn over Kamala Harris’s head to the delight of everyone.