Wing Bowl

Philadelphia strippers relieved to have most embarrassing day of the year finally over
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The worst moment of any stripper’s career…being a Wingette.

Philadelphia, PA – Strippers throughout the Delaware Valley were able to breathe a sigh of relief this morning after Wing Bowl 25 finally came to a merciful close. The annual eating event has long been described as the most “embarrassing and humiliating” day of the year for women who take their clothes off for money in Philadelphia.

City gentlemen clubs have provided their employees as “Wingettes” for the annual event, much to the horror of the women who actually have to attend Wing Bowl.

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Isn’t Ric Flair attending Wing Bowl one of the seven signs of the apocalypse?
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WOOOOOO! It’s the end of days!

According to the Book of Revelations, there will be seven signs that the world is close to calling it quits and entering the apocalypse.

With the announcement that Ric Flair will be attending Wing Bowl, I think we’re one step closer today.

I’m no theologist, but I’m fairly sure that the Bible says the first sign of the Apocalypse is Ric Flair attending Wing Bowl in Philadelphia.

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WINGETTE RIOT UPDATE: Mayor Kenney orders implosion of WFC
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All that remains of the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, Pa – The Wingette Riot of 2016 has ended following orders from new Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney to implode the Wells Fargo Center, sealing the violent Wingettes in a tomb of rubble and chicken wings for all eternity.

The implosion commenced after a Philadelphia SWAT team determined the scene was too violent and dangerous to enter. All Wing Bowl attendees were evacuated before the Wells Fargo Center was demolished.

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Friends, family of Dennis Rodman hoping Wing Bowl appearance serves as final wake-up call
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Has he reached his lowest point?

Philadelphia, PA – Dennis Rodman, known partier, alcoholic, and friend of North Korean despot Kim Jong-Un, was confirmed today as a special guest for Wing Bowl 24 by WIP Morning Show host Angelo Cataldi.

Many close friends and family members of Rodman hope this will serve as a wake-up call for the Hall of Fame basketball player and show him how far he’s sunk.

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Wing Bowl 23 favorites and long shots
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The very subtle Wing Bowl 23 logo.

The most morbidly obese eating challenge in Philadelphia is nearly upon us, as Wing Bowl 23 is set to kick off at the Wells Fargo Center on Friday, Jan. 30. Originally developed by 94 WIP Morning Show’s Angelo Cataldi as a way to fight the stereotype of Philadelphia being a city filled with only gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs, the Wing Bowl opens its doors each year for thousands of gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs to get shit faced at 4 a.m.

If there’s anything this city likes more than drinking and watching fat guys eat as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes, it’s gambling on fat guys eating as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes. The CT has released a list of odds on the favorites in the competition, as well as a few long shots who just may take home first place in the competition.

As it has been in the past, first place for the Wing Bowl is an all expense paid trip to Jefferson Hospital for an emergency stent procedure.

The Favorites:

• Bill Simmons (aka El Wingador) – 2:1 to win – A former Wing Bowl champion, Simmons has agreed to come out of retirement for one last shot at glory. Simmons ran afoul of the law several years ago for a drug possession charge, but has assured Wing Bowl representatives he will only be selling cocaine prior to and after the competition. He will, though, be high on cocaine the entire day, but that’s just common sense.

• George “The Dumpster” Hammerstein – 6:1 to win – Hammerstein was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, which shows his dedication. May miss the competition, unfortunately, if he can’t have his foot amputation surgery rescheduled.

• You – 10:1 – Come on man, what are you a pussy? Just jump down there and run through the crowd. If you can get by the security and get up on the podium, I’m sure Angelo would let you join, he would like have to! Don’t be a loser, just try it! Holy shit, he’s doing it Sully, he’s doing it! Oh god his wife is going to be so pissed.

The Long Shots:

• Mick Foley (aka Mankind, aka Dude Love, aka Cactus Jack) – 30:1 – Former professional wrestler Mick Foley signed up for the competition several weeks ago (no, it’s really true). The Hardcore legend is rumored to have a bottomless stomach, but has shown an unwillingness to show up to events if his barbed wire wrapped baseball bat is not allowed through security. Will have to focus on eating wings and resist urges to smash folding chairs across other competitors’ backs if he wishes to have success.

• Ryan Howard – 40:1 to win – Current Philadelphia Phillies first baseman signed on for the competition in lieu of preparing for spring training. When asked why he thought he had a chance to win, Howard proclaimed “Philadelphia fans have been calling me a fat piece of crap all year, so I’ll fit right in here.”

• A sense of dignity for anyone involved in this shit show – 1,000:1 – Don’t waste your time.