Wingettes

Philadelphia strippers relieved to have most embarrassing day of the year finally over

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The worst moment of any stripper’s career…being a Wingette.

Philadelphia, PA – Strippers throughout the Delaware Valley were able to breathe a sigh of relief this morning after Wing Bowl 25 finally came to a merciful close. The annual eating event has long been described as the most “embarrassing and humiliating” day of the year for women who take their clothes off for money in Philadelphia.

City gentlemen clubs have provided their employees as “Wingettes” for the annual event, much to the horror of the women who actually have to attend Wing Bowl.

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WINGETTE RIOT UPDATE: Mayor Kenney orders implosion of WFC

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All that remains of the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, Pa – The Wingette Riot of 2016 has ended following orders from new Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney to implode the Wells Fargo Center, sealing the violent Wingettes in a tomb of rubble and chicken wings for all eternity.

The implosion commenced after a Philadelphia SWAT team determined the scene was too violent and dangerous to enter. All Wing Bowl attendees were evacuated before the Wells Fargo Center was demolished.

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UPDATE: Wingettes have rioted at Wing Bowl, hundreds feared dead

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Scene inside Wing Bowl 24 as the Wingettes continue their cocaine riot.

Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy has struck Wing Bowl 24, as the Wingettes in attendance at the annual Philadelphia eating event have violently revolted against the show and are participating in an all out riot due to the lack of cocaine available, according to a Coggin Toboggan source.

The Wingettes reportedly fashioned crude molotov cocktails out of PJ Whelihan’s wing sauce and have been lobbing them into the crowd and the stage of competitive eaters, badly burning thousands in attendance and likely killing hundreds.

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BREAKING: Bobby Hoying appears at Wing Bowl 23 after being presumed dead

Bobby HoyingPhiladelphia, PA – Missing since last Saturday evening, the night before the Pro Bowl, Bobby Hoying appeared this morning in a luxury suite at the 23rd WIP Wing Bowl. While still wearing the clothes he was seen pictured in last Saturday, Hoying appeared to be in high spirits, bumping several lines of cocaine off a Wingettes bare chest before turning his attention back to the festivities below.

“The last week was a blur, but when I found myself in a gutter in South Philly last night, I knew I had to at least get myself to the Wing Bowl,” Hoying said with two women on his lap. “Besides I bet a cool 10 G’s on that Schuyler chick down there, it’s a stone cold lock.”

Hoying cheered on his “hoss” as he called her, alternating between lines of cocaine and starting several “show us your tits!” chants to the numerous Wingettes in attendance.

For many, it was a welcome site, seeing Hoying after he was presumed dead following last week’s Pro Bowl. Hoying disappeared from his Arizona hotel the night before being scheduled to start the exhibition game, the first of his professional career.

“It’ll take a lot more than a mountain of pure Colombian raw and an emergency room visit to put good ol’ Bobby down, I’ll tell you that,” Hoying said.

However, after Schuyler failed to defend her Wing Bowl crown, losing to Patrick Bertoletti in a Wing Bowl record performance, Hoying abruptly finished the last of his eight ball and hastily left the suite.

“I’ll tell you what, there ain’t no way Big Tony is going to get that $10,000 from me. He’ll have to come at me with a white flag waving if he ever wants to see me again,” he said, as he left the arena.

Hoying was last seen walking in the direction of the Penthouse Club with a stack full of $1 bills.