Wells Fargo Center

The 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view  every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and far, FAR-LESS famous contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Of course, as its done the past three years in a row, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, inviting 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging competitors to bash each others brains in for minimal glory and absolutely no prize money.

Is it bloody? You bet. Are concussions a plenty? Oh my yes. Take a look at Howard Eskin and tell me he’s the same guy today after taking a rusty barb wire covered baseball bat to dome from an enraged John Chaney. Is it barbaric? Well, they don’t call Les Bowen pretty no-more after getting his face ripped apart by Marcus Hayes wielding a cheese grater.

Last year, a masked Mike Trout secretly entered and won the Rumble, much to the delight of the gin soaked crowd. Ben Simmons was betrayed by Jay Wright, Paul Jolovitz landed his first ever offensive move, and Tina Fey bit the jugular out of Bill Cosby in a moment that will haunt the poor souls who witnessed it until the day they die. Great times were had by all!

Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

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WINGETTE RIOT UPDATE: Mayor Kenney orders implosion of WFC

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All that remains of the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, Pa – The Wingette Riot of 2016 has ended following orders from new Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney to implode the Wells Fargo Center, sealing the violent Wingettes in a tomb of rubble and chicken wings for all eternity.

The implosion commenced after a Philadelphia SWAT team determined the scene was too violent and dangerous to enter. All Wing Bowl attendees were evacuated before the Wells Fargo Center was demolished.

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After Twitter rant, 76ers create “Howard Eskin safe zone” around Wells Fargo Center

Public enemy #1 at the Wells Fargo Center.

Public enemy #1 at the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, PA – Scott O’Neil, Chief Executive Officer of the Philadelphia 76ers, said the team has been forced to create a “Howard Eskin free zone” around the Wells Fargo Center following the media personality’s rant on Twitter about the state of the franchise.

The 76ers perhaps took a page out of the University of Missouri’s playbook, where representatives ironically created a media-free “safe space” for student protesters, despite it being located in a public area.

“We need to be able to do our jobs without the distraction of Howard Eskin. Did you see how many tweets he levied my way this afternoon? I don’t know what to do,” a visibly shaken O’Neil said.

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Fuck ya’ll, all ya’ll

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

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Eyewitnesses: Big Shot waiting outside WFC to kick someone’s ass

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Big Shot, at the Spectrum in the early 90s. Was known mainly for scaring little children.

Wells Fargo Center – Puzzled Flyers fans are reporting that former Philadelphia 76ers mascot Big Shot has been seen walking around the Wells Fargo Center, trying to gain entry into the arena.

Big Shot has not been the mascot of the 76ers since the early 90s and hasn’t been seen in the area for over 20 years. Apparently, he’s outside of the WFC looking to kick someone’s ass.

The 76ers are not scheduled to play tonight. The Flyers are taking on the Winnipeg Jets at 7 p.m. at the WFC.

“I don’t know what he’s doing, or why he was here tonight, but I brought my son up to see him and he rebuffed us pretty good,” a shaken Tony Carchelleti told the CT. “He pushed my son down to the ground and continued to try and charge into the arena at each exit, only to be stopped by security each time.”

The usually jovial mascot was seen stomping up and down the WFC outdoors concourse, making obscene gestures to the building and remaining silent at all times.

At one point, an anonymous emailer said they saw Big Shot brandish a knife to someone inside the building, making exaggerated slashing motions to his throat.

“I don’t know what he’s doing here, but he is pissed off at something. What is going through that bastards purple head?” said Edward Cucholochio, head of security at the WFC. “All I know is if he gets in here I might have to order my guys to give him a bit of a wood shampoo with their billy clubs, if you know what I mean.”

The CT will update this story as soon as more information is available.

BREAKING: Ric Flair betrays Charlie Manuel at Royal Rumble

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Charlie Manuel, during happier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a stunning, 90-minute run as the iron man of the Royal Rumble, Charlie Manuel was poised for victory at the 28th annual event, but moments before he could dispatch the final competitor and capture the number one contender status for Wrestlemania, Ric Flair’s music blasted through the PA system at the Wells Fargo Center.

Holding Roman Reigns by the head, Manuel watched his longtime friend Ric Flair saunter out to ringside, who then reached out his hand for a seemingly congratulatory handshake. When he grabbed Manuel, he jumped backwards from ringside, dragging the former Phillies manager over the top rope, giving the victory to Reigns.

A visibly shaken Manuel could only watch from outside the ring as Flair celebrated with the new number one contender.

“I’m angrier than a pig in a poke, I’ll tell you something,” Manuel said, a cold Budweiser clutched in his gnarled hand as he recovered in the locker room.

Manuel had a brilliant run, setting the ring on fire as the number 5 entrant, clearing competitors with a black Mizuno baseball bat he carried into the match. Perhaps his greatest moment was the elimination of the Big Show, after he spat a stream of tobacco juice into the giant’s eyes, blinding him, before clotheslining him over the ring.

However, in the end it was all for naught.

When asked for comment on his betrayal, Flair just smiled and donned a pair of Ray Ban glasses.

“Ol’ Charlie knows what he did to deserve this…you don’t mess around with the jet flying, high styling Nature Boy and get away with it. WOOOOOO.”