This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.
What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and far, FAR-LESS famous contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!
Of course, as its done the past three years in a row, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, inviting 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging competitors to bash each others brains in for minimal glory and absolutely no prize money.
Is it bloody? You bet. Are concussions a plenty? Oh my yes. Take a look at Howard Eskin and tell me he’s the same guy today after taking a rusty barb wire covered baseball bat to dome from an enraged John Chaney. Is it barbaric? Well, they don’t call Les Bowen pretty no-more after getting his face ripped apart by Marcus Hayes wielding a cheese grater.
Last year, a masked Mike Trout secretly entered and won the Rumble, much to the delight of the gin soaked crowd. Ben Simmons was betrayed by Jay Wright, Paul Jolovitz landed his first ever offensive move, and Tina Fey bit the jugular out of Bill Cosby in a moment that will haunt the poor souls who witnessed it until the day they die. Great times were had by all!
Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.