This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.
What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and far, FAR-LESS famous contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!
Of course, as its done the past three years in a row, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, inviting 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging competitors to bash each others brains in for minimal glory and absolutely no prize money.
Is it bloody? You bet. Are concussions a plenty? Oh my yes. Take a look at Howard Eskin and tell me he’s the same guy today after taking a rusty barb wire covered baseball bat to dome from an enraged John Chaney. Is it barbaric? Well, they don’t call Les Bowen pretty no-more after getting his face ripped apart by Marcus Hayes wielding a cheese grater.
Last year, a masked Mike Trout secretly entered and won the Rumble, much to the delight of the gin soaked crowd. Ben Simmons was betrayed by Jay Wright, Paul Jolovitz landed his first ever offensive move, and Tina Fey bit the jugular out of Bill Cosby in a moment that will haunt the poor souls who witnessed it until the day they die. Great times were had by all!
Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.
The Wells Fargo Center! Momma, we’ve finally made it. After 100% losing our security deposit after the debacle at the Palestra, we needed a new home to host our unique brand of debauchery and ultra-violence. Boy oh boy, did the Wells Fargo Center quickly come a calling. Apparently they needed to fill a huge gap in their schedule and satiate the blood lust of thousands of Philadelphians who no longer had an excuse to get up at 3 a.m. on a work day and drink until they threw up black bile since the Wing Bowl decided to call it quits.
We’ll gladly take up the mantle as Philadelphia’s greatest shame. Last year’s event racked up 46 concussions, 476 total stitches, 97 pints of donated blood for injuries, and three unplanned pregnancies. And that was just in the women’s restroom.
Behold! The Coggin Toboggan belt! We only have one, but thankfully we found it in a garbage can outside of the Palestra after last year’s event. Mike Trout must have “misplaced” it in that trashcan outside outside of the Palestra after we presented it to him for his win and informed him that there would be no prize money.
How poor David Coggin still allows us to put his likeness on the world’s dumbest championship belt is beyond me. We love you David!
1) Doug Pederson (Entrance theme: Big Balls by AC/DC)
Doug Pederson! A leader of men! What a way to kick off the Coggin Toboggan Royal Rumble. Word must have gotten out that this year’s even is going to be bigger, better, and have a higher likelihood of going for it on fourth down than any of the previous years. Fresh off a divisional round playoff loss to the Saints, you know Pederson is looking to take out some of his aggression on the lower stock of the competition.
Trademark maneuver: Repeater suplexes and providing ice cream for the guys after position meetings. Heard we got some vanilla today, enjoy yourselves.
2) Ben Simmons (Entrance theme: Hit me with your Best Shot by Pat Benatar)
Ben Simmons! Everyone’s favorite no jump shot, wildly talented point guard is making his second appearance in the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. After being eliminated last year by his nemesis Kyle Lowry, only after Jay Wright threw salt in his eyes from the crowd, Simmons has loudly proclaimed he won’t be coming to this year’s brawl without someone to watch his back. Who would that someone be? SPOILER ALERT: It’s not Tinashe. That girl went out with yesterday’s garbage, TRUST.
Trademark Maneuver: Clothesline from Hell and zero legitimate three point attempts on the season despite being one of the most athletic guards to ever play in the NBA. GOD DAMNIT, BEN. SHOOT THE BALL. DON’T MAKE AN ASS OUT OF ME.
3) Kendall Jenner (Entrance theme: Rich Girl by Hall and Oates)
Kendall Jenner! MY GOD, WHAT A PRESENCE! Ben Simmons is bringing the absolute heat to this Rumble with easily the most attractive woman to ever be associated with the Coggin Toboggan (outside of my wife of course. If you’re reading this baby, I LOVE YOU SWEETIE, YOU’RE MY ANGEL, YOU’RE MY EVERYTHING). While one may wonder how she’ll accustom herself such a violent event, the smart money surely understands that she grew up in the Kardashian household where only the strong survived. Fun fact: Kris Jenner fed a less attractive and unknown Kardashian sister to the remaining brood under the haunting glow of a Blood Moon to give them extra powers. Celebrities, they’re just like us!
Trademark Maneuver: Top-rope moonsault and looking bored at 76ers games.
4) and 5) Jerry and Bryan Colangelo (Entrance theme: Loser by Beck)
Jerry and Bryan Colangelo!
Trademark Maneuver: Doomsday Device and ASTOUNDING ineptness. More ineptness than anything, to be honest. So, so much ineptness. Oh, and a healthy dose of nepotism for little boy Bryan. Can’t forget that.
6) and 7) Markelle Fultz and Drew Hanlen (Entrance Theme: You’re my best Friend by Queen)
Markelle Fultz and Drew Hanlen! Once trusted friends, then bitter enemies, and now apparently trusted friends again! Fultz has disappeared off the face of the earth for the last month after being diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome and undergoing copious amounts of hot yoga, colonics, and bloodletting to see if he can balance his shot and his humors once and for all. Drew Hanlen probably moved on to selling his snake oil to another ill-begotten soul who forgot how to shoot a basketball. I’m sure they’ll be just fine and nothing horrible will happen to either of them.
Trademark maneuver: Repetitive shooting drills that obviously don’t work. Embarrassing free throw forms.
8) Barbara Bottini (Entrance Theme: Burner by Motorhead)
Barbara Bottini! Wife to dummy Bryan (spelled with a Y) Colangelo and everyone’s favorite fall girl, it’s incredible that Bottini is actually still on speaking terms with her brain-dead husband after he completely blamed her for the 76ers/Burner Gate fiasco. She’s a devoted wife, I suppose, and has her man’s back. I’m sure her festering anger at Bryan will in no way interfere in her motives during the event.
Trademark maneuver: Taking the fall for her dummy of a husband.
9) Andrew McCutchen (Entrance Theme: A Pirate’s Life for Me)
Andrew McCutchen! The free agent that was supposed to whet our appetites for the major free agent signings to come, but will unfairly now serve as a symbol of the front office’s futility when neither Bryce Harper or Manny Machado sign here! Imagine our surprise when the Phillies contacted us and revealed that a condition of his contract was an automatic entry into the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. Word has it that he was NONE TO PLEASED when his agent informed him he was being forced to participate in quite literally the dumbest thing ever.
Trademark Maneuver: Shooting Star Press and firing his agent immediately.
10) Fletcher Cox (Entrance Theme: Backdoor Man by The Doors)
Fletcher Cox! Oh dear god, the beef levels just amped up immediately. This monster of a man will undoubtedly be able to get a huge push up the middle and disrupt the offensive flow of the rumble. What an absolute presence and handful for any man to have to deal with. And look at that smile. What a punim on him!
Trademark Maneuver: Chokeslam and trying to knock up married women.
11) A masked Joel Embiid (Entrance theme: Psycho Sid)
Joel Embiid! What?! Nobody has caught glimpse of Embiid since his elimination at the 2017 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble at the hands of his mentor Sam Hinkie. How is this behemoth dealing with the betrayal of the man that drafted him and looked after him like his own son? Judging by the mask he now dons wherever he goes and his complete silence, NOT VERY WELL. Insanity has comforted him like a warm blanket. God help us all.
Trademark maneuver: A Big Boot and waving goodbye to Russell Westbrook.
12) Brett Brown (Entrance theme: I’m Shipping up to Boston by the Dropkick Murphys)
Brett Brown! Perhaps the only man who can tame Embiid’s insanity is his former coach. Tasked with bringing Embiid back into the 76ers fold and curing him of his madness, Brown reluctantly agreed to be a part of the Rumble if he could enter directly after Embiid to reason with the untamed madman.
“God didn’t make Embiid….I made him.” – Brett Brown after watching “Rambo.”
Trademark maneuver: Banzai Splash and dribble hand-offs that don’t work at the end of games.
13) M. Night Shyamalan (Entrance theme: Heart of Glass by Blondie)
M. Night Shyamalan! Pictured above with Joel Embiid in happier times before his descent into madness, Shyamalan is taking time from his 76ers super-fandom and INCREDIBLY UNEVEN directing history to appear in his second All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. He hasn’t been seen since his 2017 appearance, when he dragged Phillies GM Matt Klentak into a coffin at ringside and disappeared without a trace.
Trademark maneuver: Diving headbutt from the top rope and mind blowing cinematic plot twists.
14) Gritty (Entrance theme: Brass Bonanza)
Gritty! Everyone’s favorite Philadelphia mascot who was UNIVERSALLY REVILED the moment he was unveiled to the unwitting public. Horrible looking? You bet. Dumb name? Absolutely. Nightmare fuel for young children? The cries of my terrified toddler after seeing his picture would seem to confirm it. According to myth, Gritty was born in the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center and lived in seclusion until deciding to unfurl himself on the world before this Flyers season. Easily the only positive thing about going to a Flyers game, Gritty has become a pop culture icon and is looking to make another notch in his bedpost after capturing the Coggin Toboggan Championship belt.
Trademark maneuver: An ice-skate to the jugular, like that AMAZING scene in Sudden Death when Jean-Claude Van Damme kicked a terrorist in the neck while wearing goalie equipment. He also brutally killed the Penguins mascot. Good times were had by all.
15) Michal Neuvirth (Entrance Theme: Hurt by Johnny Cash)
Michal Neuvirth! Everyone’s favorite injury prone Flyers goalie! Rumor has it that after reading this paragraph and strained his hamstring and has to miss the next month-and-a-half. Don’t worry, he’ll be healthy enough to get injured again in the playoffs, you can count on it.
Trademark maneuvers: Brittleness.
16) Jon Dorenbos (Entrance Theme: Magic Man by Heart)
Jon Dorenbos! Fresh off his latest appearance on America’s Got Talent, the otherworldly magician, all-around good guy and kid-friendly entertainer has vowed to take on a nastier edge in the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. Dorenbos informed officials that he picked up a well-worn copy of the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis and has pledged his eternal soul to evil to be damned for all-time at a chance for rumble glory. Good for him!
Trademark maneuvers: Is THIS your card?! It isn’t? Well, why don’t you take a look over there? ::your mother pops out of a cake, naked, with the Seven of Diamonds tattooed above her fat ass:: Ta da!
17) Larry Poff (Entrance Theme: Fly Eagles Fly)
Larry Poff! Listen. We just beat the Giants, without a doubt New Orleans is nothing to us. We are the E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES! Yeah baby, this is our year. Every other year, we…we…::burps::…we came close, but this year is our year! Jeff Garcia baby, is our baby! He’s it baby! We are going! Yeahhhhahahhhhhhhhh! (indecipherable gibberish)
Trademark maneuvers: Drunken brawling and keen listening skills.
18) Glen Macnow (Entrance theme: Have a Drink on Me by AC/DC)
Glen Macnow! It’s your good pal, Glen Macnow! Just look at that punim! Macnow has been haunting the Philadelphia sports talk airwaves for more than three decades, so you know he’s going to be coming into this thing cranky as hell. First time, long time, Glen, what do you think about the Phillies trading Odubell straight up to the Angels for Mike Trout? I’ll hang up and listen to your response. Glen asked on Twitter that if he were included in the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble that he not be the first eliminated. Well, Glen, you’re coming in at #18 so I can pretty much guarantee you won’t be the first one to be eliminated….whatever else you do is up to you. God’s preserve you.
Trademark maneuvers: Gorilla press and being a close personal friend of Ray Didinger.
19) T.J. McConnell (Entrance theme: The theme from “Rudy”)
T.J. McConnell! You know he’s going to sprint full-bore to the ring when his number is called. The definition of a scrappy underdog, McConnell may not have the size, the skill, the strength, the wits, or the good looks that it takes to win the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, but damnit he has the heart! What he lacks in skill he makes up for in obnoxiousness, McConnell has been hustling his way into the hearts of Philadelphians everywhere.
Trademark maneuver: A top-rope hurricanrana into a full-court press.
20) Paul Jolovitz (Entrance Theme: Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus)
Paul Jolovitz! The only competitor to make an appearance in ALL FOUR PHILADELPHIA ROYAL RUMBLES. A definite fan and Coggin Toboggan favorite. As always, I have to be real honest with this one, he’s only in it again because I laugh every time I see his Twitter avatar (above) and the idea of him coming out to Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus tickles me pink. Give em’ hell, Jolly! May we all one day have the opportunity to hold our chin in our hand and laugh at this crazy thing we call life!
Trademark maneuver: Elbow drop off the 4:30 a.m. WIP time slot.
21) Carter Hart (Entrance theme: Brick House by The Commodores)
Carter Hart! The Flyers goalie of the future WHO MAY ACTUALLY BE THE GOALIE OF THE FUTURE! Look at that fresh face, those boyish good looks, lets get a look at that ID, son, are we sure you’re 18? No seriously, I need to see some identification. We let a 17 year old in here last year by mistake and he would NOT stop screaming after Chris Pronger threw the plucked out eyeball of Jay Wright into his lap. Oh my god did we get sued for that one. What a pussy.
Trademark maneuvers: Alabama Slam and an above average glove hand.
22) Jimmy Butler (Get Down on It by Kool and the Gang)
Jimmy Butler! Everyone’s favorite trade acquisition that apparently hates everything about Philadelphia, the 76ers, Brett Brown, the fans’ ugly faces, and the City Tax (fair) if you read Bill Simmons rag website The Ringer. Jimmy, why won’t you love us? We love you so much it hurts….WE JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Trademark Maneuver: A running knee and yelling at Brett Brown during film sessions.
23) Joe Santoliquito (I’m a Loser by The Beatles)
Joe Santiloquito? Wait…who invited this guy? I never saw his registration for the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble? Hold on a second ::checks paperwork:: HE REGISTERED 40 MINUTES BEFORE THE DEADLINE? AND HE DIDN’T NOTIFY US ABOUT IT? You have to be kidding me. Sigh….fine. Whatever.
Trademark Maneuvers: Shin kicks and not reaching out for comment.
24), 25), 26), 27) and 28) Lane Johnson, Jason Kelce, Malcolm Jenkins, Zach Ertz and Chris Long (Entrance Theme: Dreams and Nightmares by Meek Mill)
Lane Johnson! Jason Kelce! Chris Long! Zach Ertz! Malcolm Jenkins! This hardly seems fair for the remaining competitors in the Royal Rumble! Five highly trained athletes with a bone to pick against the world, underdogs if you will, who are aching to get their hands on the Coggin Toboggan Championship Belt. I feel bad for anyone still left in the ring at this point…especially if it was someone that may have published a controversial story criticizing their franchise quarterback.
Trademark Maneuver: Winning Super Bowl LII and bringing joy to the city.
29) Carson Wentz (Entrance Theme: Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John)
Carson Wentz! The man the Eagles have chosen to lead their franchise for hopefully the next decade. He’s all healed up from his recent back injury, his knee injury, and probably 10 to 20 other injuries he hid from the inept Eagles medical team this year. Looking to make a name for himself with the team, Wentz is a rumble favorite to capture the belt.
Trademark Maneuver: Tombstone Piledriver and going to church.
30) ???? (Entrance Theme: Unsolved Mysteries)
A mystery competitor! We literally have no idea who this gentleman is under the ski mask. He won’t tell us his name, he won’t show us any identification, and he keeps muttering vaguely threatening comments under his breath. But, he did pay the $15 registration fee, so we have to let him in. He doesn’t look like much so I’m sure he’ll be eliminated almost immediately. You probably don’t even have to remember he’s in it, he’s an afterthought, come on!
Trademark Maneuvers: Who cares. His corpse will be cleaned out of the ring and disposed of properly behind Citizens Bank Park at the conclusion of the event.
• The first chords of Big Balls ring out in the Wells Fargo Center and we are off and running, as the rabid fans greet Doug Pederson with thunderous cheers as he waves a barbed wire covered bat over his head as he makes his way to the ring. Ben Simmons
slowly makes his way down the steel entrance ramp, flipping a towel over his head with ease a la Mr. Perfect. Getting on the ring apron, he suddenly hurls the towel at Pederson with his left hand….and it misses by 6-feet. Sixers twitter spends the next 5-hours debating on if his accuracy would improve if he used his right hand.
• The two competitors feel each other out, as Pederson takes a hesitant swing of the bat at Simmons, who darts quickly out of the way and puts Pederson into a sleeper hold that has the aging coach quickly down on one knees. He’s fading, but kicks his leg backwards, crushing Simmons’ testicles as he crumples into himself down on the mat. Pederson gathers himself and takes the barbed wire bat, urging the crowd to rise to their feet as he presses it into Simmons forehead, rivulets of blood oozing from the ripped flesh as he screams in agony.
• The clock hits zero and before Pederson can deposit Simmons over the top ropes Kendall Jenner sprints to the ring, delivering knees to the soft belly of a man who has eaten way too much ice-cream through the course of a football season. She is able to wrench the bat from his hands, take a step back, and fully swing the implement of destruction into his skull, knocking Pederson back into the turnbuckles as she helps Simmons back to his feet.
• The lights turn off in the Wells Fargo Arena and the first chords of “Loser” ring out through the speakers. When the lights turn back on Jerry Colangelo and Bryan Colangelo are standing back to back, in B-Boy stances, each with a mic as they march to the ring.
“Yo yo yo, my name is Jerry Colangelo and I’m here to say, my son didn’t have any burner accounts there is no way!” Colangelo raps into his microphone as Bryan does the world’s worst beat-box behind him. The crowd erupts in RABID BOOS, littering their entrance with trash and empty beer bottles.
“Word to your mother!” Bryan screams into his microphone as they make their way into the ring. With far more speed and agility befitting two men of their age, the Colangelos make a bee-line for Simmons and Kenner, all four trading blows in the center of the ring. The Colangelos deliver simultaneous headbutts to the superstar and his superstar model, and stand over them tauntingly.
• The buzzer sounds again and Markelle Fultz and Drew Hanlen come out from the back, sprinting to the ring. Hanlen holds up his fists, beckoning the still woozy Pederson to fight, unbeknownst to him Fultz slips through the bottom two ropes and reaches his hand out to the ring apron. From under the ring his mother, Ebony Fultz, appears and hands her son a steel chair. Hearing the buzz of the crowd and sensing something is wrong, Hanlen turns around to a face full of chair, as Fultz cracks it over his skull to the delight of his mother. It was a screw job, just a god damn setup, BAH GAWD!
The fevered pitch of the crowd thunders through the Wells Fargo Center as Fultz gets Hanlen to his feet, slapping him several times before pointing to the outside. Fultz picks up Hanlen and presses him over his head…..before his shoulder completely gives out on him, sending Hanlen over the top rope for the rumble’s first elimination, but leaving Fultz with just one good arm. If only he had properly balanced his thoracic outlet and had never crashed his BMX bike, this may never have happened.
• Despite screeches from his mother to look out, Fultz is whipped into the ropes by Simmons and Jenner, who back-body drop him over the top rope onto his wailing mother for the second elimination of the evening. The pair hug and pose for a selfie as Kendall tries to find the PERFECT filter to capture the blood splattered across the ring. Bryan Colangelo, harboring deep resentments to social media, goes into a manic state and snaps, his eyes rolling over white as he smashes both their heads together like coconuts. Colangelo delivers a double-choke slam to the two social media influencers and hurls their bodies over the top rope as his delighted father looks on.
• The Colangelos turn their sights back to the still woozy Pederson, and the odds worsen for the embattled coach as Barbara Bottini makes her way to the ring. The three stand side by side, as Pederson valiantly tries to bring himself to his feet to defend himself. Jerry loads up a super kick for the teetering Pederson, completely unaware that Bottini has donned a pair of brass knuckles, punching the lights out of the geriatric con-artist before felling her ungrateful husband with a shot to the temple. Taking advantage of the betrayal, Pederson tosses Jerry out of the ring as Bottini stomps a mud-hole in Bryan’s ass and walks it dry, flashing him a double middle-finger as he makes his way to the feet before delivering a boot to the stomach and a Stone Cold Stunner, sending the inept former GM to the outside of the ring. Pederson grabs her and turns her around before she can hit him with the knuckles. He embraces her and kisses her deeply. Crusher Doug just absolutely plants one on the stunned Bottini, whose smile quickly turns to panic as Pederson boots her in the stomach. He drapes her arm over his shoulder and sends her neck first into the canvas with a devastating Rock Bottom. As she gasps for air, Pederson points to the outside and chucks her over the top rope, the only man standing in the ring.
• Andrew McCutchen makes his way out of the curtain, screaming into his cell phone at his agent for getting him in this mess. He steps through the ropes, shakes his head, and steps back over the top rope to eliminate himself. Why more competitors haven’t done the exact same thing when they realize how pointless this is is beyond me.
• Fletcher Cox is out next and delivers a VICIOUS belly-to-belly suplex to the retreating McCutchen on the entrance ramp for his cowardice before getting into the ring and helping up his shaken coach.
• A hush falls over the assembled fans as the masked Embiid appears from backstage. The silent, hulking behemoth carries the pain of a thousand slain men in his soul, gliding across the floor before standing on the ring apron. Stepping into the ring, Fletcher Cox wastes no time throwing lefts and rights at the giant, momentarily stunning the 7-footer before receiving a stinging knife-edge chop across his chest, sucking all of the air from the all-pro defensive tackles lungs. Pederson brings the barbed wire bat down across Embiid’s back, breaking it over the gigantic man, but not felling him. Embiid effortlessly lifts both Peters and Cox in his arms, tossing this over his head and sending them crashing down to the ring.
• “Joel….Joel stop…..I know you’re still a man under all of that, under all of that evil….I can help you,” a voice cries out, as Brett Brown pleads with his star center to show mercy to the two men he’s choking out in his grasp. Brown gets into the ring, looking into the dark, merciless eyes of Embiid….before unloading an entire can of bear mace into his face. The writhing mass of humanity tumbles backwards out of the ring with Brown not far behind, throwing left and rights at the monster, as the two fall into first row and brawl viciously through the crowd, scattering men, women, and children as they use anything they can get their hands on for weapons. Thanks Christ for those waivers the fans were forced to sign before entering the arena.
• As the crowd turns their attention back to the ring, the lights again turn out and prayer chants ring out through the arena. A line of druids solemnly carry a casket down to ringside…and when it slowly creaks open the hand of M. Night Shyamalan shoots out from the purple lined coffin. He’s alive! He’s alive damnit, he’s been alive this whole time!
• Shyamalan hops into the ring as fan favorite Gritty sprint down the entrance ramp, his delightfully wonky eyeballs going this way and that as the children in attendance cheer and clap. Taking advantage of the clearly gassed Cox and the severely low on blood Pederson, he double-clothes lines both men over the top ropes, eliminating both. The frozen-smiled monstrosity turns his attention back to Shyamalan, who raises both hands over his head, his eyes seizing violently….before the lights turn off yet again at the arena.
• When the lights again turn back on, Shyamalan is laying in the coffin, his arms crossed over his chest. The ringside doctor quickly checks on the young director and declares that Shyamalan HAS BEEN DEAD FOR MORE THAN A WEEK. WHAT A TWIST!
• Michal Neuvirth appears from behind the curtain, pointing menacingly at Gritty. He takes one step onto the entrance ramp before his hamstring snaps in two like a brittle twig. His screams of agony echo through the Wells Fargo Center as he struggles to support himself on a guard rail before collapsing again. As EMTs load the oft-injured goalie onto a stretcher, Neuvirth attempts to give the crowd a thumbs up and shatters every bone in his wrist. That was inspiring.
• A man darts from under the ring and enters behind Gritty, drop kicking the mascot into the ropes before delivering a pounding German suplex to the off-brand Muppet. Jon Dorenbos jumps to his feet, his skin pallid and gray, black pockets formed under his eyes. This is not the positive, healthy lover of life we all knew and loved when he was in Philadelphia. An evil aura surrounds him, as he pulls a tattered and worn book from his tights. Good god….the Necronomicon. That FOOL. He has no idea of the dark powers he is trifling with. Dorenbos points a finger at Gritty and the farcical mascot begins to convulse, rivulets of blood appearing in his eyes and running down his mottled fur. An inhuman shriek rises from the depths of the actor portraying the Flyers mascot, as he is cast over the top rope by unseen forces, writhing on the ground outside of the ring. I don’t think the children who witnessed that will forget about what they saw until their dying day. Thanks for signing those waivers kids!
• Dorenbos sets his sights on the entrance ramp, waiting for his next victim….but a hand PIERCES THROUGH THE RING and grabs the former magician now unholy sorcerer’s ankle, dragging the screaming and kicking Dorenbos into the ring, as purple smoking rises from the hole in the ring. When it finally clears, the hole has closed but all that remains in its place is Shyamalan’s official Oscar nomination certificate for Best Director of the Sixth Sense. WHAT A TWIST!
• Larry Poff makes his way to the ring, enjoying the serenades of “LISTEN….LISTEN….LISTEN….” as he sits on the top turnbuckle, waiting for his first victim.
• Out next is Glen Macnow, quickly followed by T.J. McConnell, as the three throw down in the center of the ring. McConnell hustles to the outside of the ring and sets up a table, as his partner in crime Macnow incapacitates Poff with a vicious Boston Crab. McConnell and Macnow hoist Poff up onto their shoulders and power bomb him through the table, getting the tailgate started early for the sloshed Eagles fan.
• Paul Jolovitz! By god, it’s Paul Jolovitz! The only man to appear in all four Philadelphia Royal Rumbles is here! He rips off his shirt and charges into the ring, delivering a running knee to McConnell and sending him over the top rope. The crowd is ballistic, as Jolovitz cracks his elbow over the top of Macnow’s bald skull. He winds up and peppers Macnow with jab, before spinning around and delivering a vicious discus lariat to the aged sports talk show host, sending him out of the ring and leaving Jolovitz triumphant.
• The crowd chants JOLLY JOLLY JOLLY as Carter Hart hesitates to enter the ring, Jolovitz beckoning the youngster to come into the squared-circle to “get these hands.” He hesitates so long that Jimmy Butler makes his entrance and pushes the pock marked Flyers goalie into the ring, into the clutches of the madman himself as he flips over the lad and crushes him into the mat with a pitch-perfect Canadian Destroyer power bomb. Butler taunts him from the outside, but Jolovitz grasps him by his hair and hauls him over the ropes into the ring. He elbows Butler in the head, knocking him out cold, and stacks him on top of the prone Hart. Ascending the top rope, Jolovitz points to the heavens and drives an elbow into both of their hearts.
• As Jolovitz gathers both into his arms for an elimination, the still brawling Brown and Embiid crash through the crowd barrier, dizzying Brown as Embiid makes his way back into the ring, looking for fresh bodies to demolish. Jolovitz throws a haymaker at the monstrosity, stunning the tank and dropping him to one knee. He quickly recovers and grabs Jolly by the neck, suplexing him onto the bodies of Butler and Hart, picking up all three in his tree trunk arms and dumping them onto the floor below. His blood lust satiated, his need for revenge quelled, the monster leaves the carnage behind him and exits the arena, with Brown woozily walking after him, still trying to wrangle the monster he forced onto the world.
• “Hello Philadelphia! It’s your favorite journalist, Joeeeeeeee Santoooooooliquitoooooooo!” A shrill voice screams out over the speakers as the infamous journalist appears from the curtain, wearing an old-timey strong man suit, flipping off the crowd as he slowly makes his way to the ring.
“You’re all losers! You need me to save you from yourselves, to tell you the truth about this town and their athletes, because you’re all brain dead hicks! I’m the only one who can see Carson Wentz for what he truly is…a slob and a loser, JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU!” He screams into the microphone, entering the ring as trash is littered at his feet as fans throw anything they can at the bald stooge.
“Do you think he cares about you at all?! If he ever wins the Super Bowl you have one man to congratulate, to THANK for his success….and that’s ME! I’M THIS TOWN’S SAVIOR, THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THIS ONE-HORSE TOWN. Wentz will do it for me and none of you losers….and who back there is man enough to say otherwise?!” he screeches at the fans.
• “Hold up wait a minute, y’all thought I was finished?” the first lines of Meek Mill’s “Dreams and Nightmares” interrupt his rant, as Lane Johnson, Malcolm Jenkins, Chris Long, Jason Kelce and Zach Ertz emerge from the back and march to the ring. The clearly shook Santoliquito jumps over the top rope, trying to flee through the crowd…but he’s struck with a steel chair from a familiar looking fan. Carson Wentz throws the chair down as he hops the barrier, grasping Santoliquito by the collar and rolling him back into the ring, where the remaining Eagles gather around him and stomp him into oblivion. The battered journalist is hoisted up by all five of the team leaders, looking to Wentz. He nods, and they send him flying out of the ring, crashing through the Spanish announcers table at ringside.
• Fly Eagles Fly pours through the sound system as the six men shake hands and hug in the center of the ring…..until the final ski-masked competitor exits the backstage, standing for a moment at the top of the entrance ramp as the men in the ring furrow their brows and wonder who this man could be. He walks briskly to the ring, standing in front of Wentz and his assembled teammates, face to face with the future of the Eagles franchise. The electricity in the air is palpable, could he really be aching for a fight?
• The masked man rears back to punch, but his strike veers to the left of Wentz and strikes Johnson in the side of the head, sending the surprised tackle over the ropes. Jenkins moves to attack the masked man, but Wentz superkicks him in the face, sending him over the ropes as well. Sensing they were screwed, Kelce, Ertz, and Long brawl with Wentz and the masked man. Wentz spears Ertz and tosses him over the ropes, and Pele kicks Kelce as he comes up to him from behind, dazing him. The masked man clothes lines Kelce out of the ring, and he and Wentz turn their attention to Long. Long throws punches desperately at the two competitors, fending them off, dazing Wentz with a sharp haymaker to the temple before the masked man grabs the chair Ebony Fultz handed to her son early on in the match and smashes him in the face with it, sending him staggering backwards over the ropes.
• The masked man raises Wentz’ hand in victory….and then takes off his ski mask.
OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. IT’S FOLES. NICK FOLES IS HERE TONIGHT! HE’S ALIGNED HIMSELF WITH WENTZ!
Confetti pours from the ceiling as the two embrace, raising each others hands in triumph as they celebrate their victory. Philadelphia Eagles for life, two brothers in arms who will fight and defend each other until the day they die. The beaming Foles hugs Wentz as the confused fans begin to clap, and then cheer, until the Wells Fargo Center is thundering with screams of adulation for the two battle scarred warriors.
What a moment. What a night. What an All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble!
• That is, until the first haunting notes of New York ring through the Wells Fargo Center.
And who comes out of those back curtains? It’s New York Giants GM Dave Gettleman, sporting a strange smirk on his face as Wentz and Foles ready for a fight.
He waits for the crowd to calm down, raising a hand to silence them, and addresses Wentz and Foles.
“You know, gentlemen, I’ve been around for a long time. I’m from New York, as you know, the head of a real NFL franchise, the New York Giants. You people may have heard of it…a little franchise that didn’t wait until 2018 to capture its first Super Bowl. You only have one Super Bowl? That’s cute. We have four. Your little pathetic city couldn’t even understand the success we’ve experienced in our years,” he said, putting a hand in his pocket, as he looked back at the ring
“But this is strange. Co-champions? As I’m sure both of you know, there can’t be co-champions for the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. There can be only one winner. We can’t have two. Though as I’m sure all these idiots in the crowd haven’t realized, we need to crown a champion tonight,” he said, sneering at the duo.
“And frankly, I find it insulting that you both think you can just hug, shake hands, and deprive these people of a real winner. It’s despicable. It’s sick. It’s so horribly….Philadelphia,” he spits into the microphone, as boos rain down.
“But I know a man who deserves to be champion. I HAVE a man who deserves to get out of this terrible city and make something of himself in the greatest city in the world, New York. I give you your next champion, Philadelphia. Your next NEW YORK CHAMPION,” Gettleman said, as he turned toward the curtain and gestured for his champion to come out of the back, a 31st competitor to enter the ring.
The crowd murmuring to themselves as they wonder what hired hand Gettleman has brought to topple the famed QB-duo. Did he lure New York Giants great Michael Strahan out of retirement? Did he force Saquon Barkley’s hand into competing? Who could he have hand-picked to be champion.
But nothing happens. No entrance music. Nobody emerges. The crowd starts to chuckle, chanting at Gettleman. His champion, obviously, is a no-show.
But Gettleman’s smile never leaves his face. He slowly turns and faces the ring, bringing his face up, the sneer more evident than ever as he points to the ring.
“Your next…..New York…..champion,” he hisses, as Foles raises the steel chair and brings it down over the head of Wentz, the young quarterback writhing in agony as Foles brings it down again over his back, screaming at him to get up, that he’s the real champion of Philadelphia.
Gettleman approaches the ring and hands Foles the microphone, who stands over Wentz.
“YOU REALLY PICKED WENTZ OVER ME, PHILADELPHIA?! I’m a Super Bowl champion, I gave you everything I had….and you pick him over me. AFTER EVERYTHING I DID FOR THIS CITY, SAVING YOUR HORRIBLE FRANCHISE FROM HUMILIATION TWO YEARS IN A ROW? That’s fine. I know where I’ll truly be appreciated.” Foles said, dropping the mic on Wentz as he ripped off his Eagles jersey to reveal a perfectly blue, perfectly pristine Giants jersey.
No. NO. NO! Foles drags Wentz up by his hair and tosses him over the ropes, becoming the sole 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble champion.
He grabs the Coggin Toboggan belt from the devastated Coggin Toboggan CEO and looks into the camera before the broadcast ends.
“I’m all I got and I’m all I need.”