Charlie Manuel

The 2020 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view of the year. The organization’s ROYAL RUMBLE is BY FAR the best PPV the wrestling brand puts on every year, with pops and surprises that no other event can top.

So as always we decided to COMPLETELY rip it off with our own Royal Rumble.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes in an all-out, every man or woman for themselves brawl. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and far, FAR LESS famous contestants that are flimsily connected to Philadelphia in the thinnest ways possible? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Of course, as its done the past four years in a row, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble on the Friday before WWE’s event, completely overshadowing the real deal with its complete lack of morals, its utter depravity, and absolute disregard for human life and well being. As always we’ve invited 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging Philadelphians to bash each others brains in for minimal glory, absolutely no prize money, and a dark spot on their careers they’ll never be able to erase.

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Chase Utley’s alleged takeout slide of Marcus Hayes in Phillies clubhouse explains so much

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970dMarcus Hayes, blowhard journalist who writes for the Daily News, has long held a grudge against Chase Utley for reasons unknown to anyone in this city. Hayes criticized Utley for his use of profanity in the 2008 World Series Championship Parade and for his declining play. In addition, Hayes felt there was a lack of “criticism” directed at Utley from the Philadelphia fan base, when, in his opinion, black players such as Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard were criticized on a daily basis.

Hayes, to the surprise of nobody, continued his criticism of Utley after Saturday night’s incident that saw Utley break Ruben Tejada’s leg during a double play turn. For the past 24 hours Hayes has taken to his Twitter account to denounce Utley’s “dirty” play.

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Charlie Manuel shares homespun yarn about time he shredded Bobby Grich’s knee

Yeeeee ha!

Yeeeee ha!

Philadelphia, PA – Charlie Manuel entertained the hosts of the MLB Radio Network yesterday with a heartwarming, country yarn about the time in 1972 he shredded every single ligament in all-star short stop Bobby Grich’s knee breaking up a double play turn in a regular season game against the Cardinals.

The jovial manager defended Chase Utley’s actions from Saturday night, describing his style of play as “hard nosed” and “tougher than a bronco with a burr in its saddle.”

“He’s one of the best I’ve ever coached. He made some of the prettiest plays I’ve ever seen this side of the Blue Ridge Mountains,” Manuel said in a delightful southern drawl that made so many fall in love with him in Philadelphia.

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The Coggin congratulates Charlie Manuel! See how it all started

Yeeeee ha!

Yeeeee ha!

Charlie Manuel, the Coggin Toboggan salutes you. Not only are you our favorite Phillies manager of all time, you finally got that elusive Wrestlemania moment to truly cap off a fantastic career.

Relive Manuel’s road to Wrestlemania right here, and see how he made it to the greatest victory of his life over his former friend Ric “Nature Boy” Flair the past Sunday.

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Charlie Manuel finally captures his Wrestlemania moment

Yeeeee ha!

Yeeeee ha!

Santa Clara, Calif. – Battered and bloodied, Charlie Manuel could only smile to himself as he raised a bottle of Coors Lite to the 90,000 screaming fans celebrating his victory of Ric Flair this past Sunday afternoon at Wrestlemania 31.

The former Philadelphia Phillies manager toasted the fans as he stood triumphantly on the top turnbuckle, Flair still laying motionless on the canvas below him after the 45-minute iron man match finally concluded after Manuel had slapped the Nature Boy’s patented Figure-Four leg lock on him for nearly 5 minutes.

“I told him Ol’ Cholly didn’t take kindly to being double crossed. Maybe Naitch will think twice next time before he decides to interfere in my business again,” Manuel said, blood pouring from a 3-inch gash across his left eyebrow.

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Charlie Manuel officially on the Road to Wrestlemania, gets match with Ric Flair

Yeeeee ha!

Yeeeee ha!

Philadelphia, PA – Hoping to avenge his loss at Royal Rumble after longtime friend Ric Flair betrayed him and eliminated him in the titular match, former Phillies manager Charlie Manuel was able to coerce a last-second match with the Nature Boy in Sunday’s Wrestlemania 31.

Manuel appeared on two days ago on WWE’s Monday Night Raw, carrying a handcuffed Ashley Flair out to the middle of the ring. Taking up the house mic, Manuel pointed a baseball bat at Flair’s daughter, threatening to “send her brains all through this ring” if he didn’t appear and accept Manuel’s challenge.

“Naw, I don’t want to do it, Naitch, but you’ve left me no choice,” He said, taking up a stance and readying the bat at her head. “You come out here right now and lets talk about what I want…a Hell in the Cell match at Wrestlemania. You brought this on yourself, Ric, now get out here.”

Moments before the bat could come crashing down on Ashley’s skull, Flair’s patented theme music blared throughout the arena, and the Nature Boy strutted out through the curtain and came to the ring.

“Now, now just hold on a minute Charlie. Lets not do something you’ll regret later,” Flair said, as he addressed the longtime Phillies manager. “You know and I know that you don’t have the stones to do that to Ashley. You were at her christening, you’re her godfather, you wouldn’t do that to her. Stop embarrassing yourself out here.”

Wooooooooooo!

Wooooooooooo!

Manuel, seemingly defeated, slumped his shoulders and looked towards the mat. Perhaps buoyed by the chants of Charlie ringing out through the stands, the manager rose the bat and brought it down directly on Flair’s head, dropping the “dirtiest player in the game” into a heap.

Manuel circled Flair as he recovered and slapped the Nature Boy’s iconic Figure Four leg lock on his onetime best friend.

“Accept the match or I’ll break your damn legs!” He screamed, tightening the hold, finally forcing the Nature Boy to agree to the Hell in the Cell match at WWE’s biggest pay per view of the year.

“That’s what I like to hear, I’ll see you on Sunday you son of a bitch!” Manuel yelled, dropping the microphone, as he walked out of the arena to thunderous applause.

The two will headline the event after the world heavyweight title match this weekend.

Odubel Herrera can’t wait to be overpaid by Ruben Amaro, plus other spring training notes

usa-odubel-herrera-slide_0Clearwater, Fla – Following a stellar two game opening to the 2015 spring training, new rule 5 draft member of the Phillies Odubel Herrera told reporters through a translator that he can’t wait to have a solid year for the team, and then be promptly signed to an organization-crippling contract.

“It will be an honor to follow in the footsteps of some of the guys that have been here for years past their prime, like Ryan Howard and Chase Utley,” he said. “Hopefully the city will enjoy a few of my good years, and then curse Ruben for keeping me on far too long after my usefulness has declined.”

The speedy infield and outfielder said if fans are lucky he will be signed to a multi-year deal and promptly undergo some kind of microfracture surgery to accelerate the process.

In other spring training news:

• Mike Schmidt, who has taken Dom Brown under his wing, has mistakingly been calling the young player by the name Tom Drown all spring. Nobody has cared enough to correct him as of yet. The CT will be keeping tabs on this story as it develops.

• Darrin Ruf and Freddy Galvis reportedly had to be separated by several teammates yesterday after they were heard having a heated argument over who would be a bigger disappointment this season.

• After allowing two runs in two innings during his first appearance, Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez was placed on a wooden raft by manager Ryne Sandberg and nudged out into the ocean towards the direction of Cuba.

• Ruben Amaro reportedly lost the team’s international player signing budget after he wired $5.6 million to a “Nigerian Prince” who sent him an email in December, telling him he would place Amaro in his will for the sum of “12 MILION DOLLLARS US OF A DOLLARS” if he sent him the money through Western Union.

• Charlie Manuel, in town as a special hitting instructor for the Phillies, is still fuming after his recent betrayal at the hands of Ric Flair at last months Royal Rumble. Manuel cut several seething promos to the Nature Boy, promising him that the next time they see each other will be different.

“Naitch, listen here. I used to call you my friend, now the next time we meet I’ll be stomping a mud hole in your ass.”

Flair has yet to respond.