WWE

IT’S HAPPENING, THIS IS NOT A DRILL, DANIEL BRYAN HAS BEEN CLEARED TO WRESTLE

Everyone stay calm. I said to stay calm, deep breaths, try not to freak out. I SAID CALM DOWN GODDAMNIT, CALM THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW ::hyperventilating:: EVERYONE JUST CHILL OUT. JUST CALM DOWN AND RELAX.

We’ve been preparing for this moment. Most of you called me MAD for my warnings, but who is the insane one now? Everything we’ve drilled for, everything we’ve prepared for, I’m sure you’re glad we did now, aren’t you?

It’s happening.

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2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view  every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

This year, the Rumble is in our very own backyard, kicking off this Sunday at the Wells Fargo Center in front of 40,000 drunken, rowdy Philadelphians who yearn for the days of obese men putting each other threw tables at the old ECW arena.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and well-known contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Last year, everyone’s favorite Process Trusting nerd Sam Hinkie bribed his way back into the Rumble after eliminating himself before the event started. He teamed up with Joel Embiid to murder everyone in the ring, before betraying his star pupil to claim the vaunted Coggin Toboggan Championship belt for himself.

It was such a success that we’re hosting it again this year and opening it up to ANYONE AND EVERYONE with even a cursory relationship in Philadelphia. Are you a nobody athlete that had a cup of tea with the 87ers last season? God damnit, you’re eligible to make something of yourself. Do you stand a chance against a field of 30 hungry, grizzled veterans looking to raise their name to the rafters of the Coggin Toboggan offices? You sure don’t, but we’ll all have a good laugh at your expense as you bleed out on the ring floor.

Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

(If you want to get caught up on the action,  you can read the 2017 rumble here or the 2016 rumble here.)

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Go buy Pete Gas’s book about his experience in the WWE, you jabronis

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The man, the myth, the legend, Pete Gas.

Pete Gasparino aka Pete Gas of the Mean Street Posse and  friend of the Coggin Toboggan has a BOOK FOR SALE on Amazon about his life, his experiences wrestling for the WWE during the Attitude Era, and his career defining interview with The Coggin Toboggan earlier this year (probably).

His book, Looking at the Lights: My Path from Fan to a Wrestling Heel, can be found on Amazon (here’s the link) or at a book store near you. It will be released on March 7, 2017, but you can pre-order now.

Even though he dodged our hard hitting question about his favorite Val Venis film, Pete was a cool guy and one of the more open people we’ve interviewed on this site. Gas was definitely a better interview than those TIGHT LIPPED comedians we have on every now and again. Jesus Christ, I’m not asking you to give us material, just how about answering our silly questions with more than ONE SENTENCE. You’re supposed to be eloquent and our readers want to know what your favorite Tecmo Super Bowl team was….DON’T SASS ME.

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Pete Gas of the Mean Street Posse opens up about the WWE and Shane McMahon

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Pete Gasparino aka Pete Gas.

Pete Gasparino, aka Pete Gas, wrestled in sweater vests and khakis as part of the Mean Street Posse for three years with the WWE during the heyday of the attitude era. Gasparino and friend Rodney Leinhardt were brought into the organization by Shane McMahon, son of WWE Owner Vincent McMahon, and paired with independent wrestler Joey Abs to form “The Mean Street Posse.”

Based partly on Gasparino and Leinhardt’s real life friendship with Shane, the Mean Street Posse wrestled for WWE from 1999 to 2001, feuding with Hall of Famers like the APA and with Crash Holly over the WWE Hardcore Belt.

Oh sweet Jesus did I hate the Mean Street Posse when I was 15 and firmly entrenched in professional wrestling. Their smarmy attitudes, their ring gear, their oddly catchy reggae infused entrance theme, they were the WORST.

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2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

2258_-_logo_royal_rumble_wwe-jpegThis Sunday WWE is hosting its annual Royal Rumble pay-per-view, by far the most entertaining wrestling event ever created. For those unfamiliar with the sport of wrestling, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

It’s insanely entertaining and popular with fans, so it got us thinking at The Coggin Toboggan. Who in this city would win in an All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble?

WHAT A QUESTION! Don’t be surprised, it’s why you come to this blog, to read educated and intelligent material such as this.

The 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble will only include coaches, media personnel, blogger, mascots, and behind the scenes employees of the four major sports.

No athletes will be included, because it would kill me to try and think of something funny to say about Sam Bradford being in something like this. Uhhh….every move he throws gets intercepted? God that’s stupid.

So here it is. We’ve identified 25 competitors, written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate.

Ladies and gentleman, the 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble.

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WWE Raw episode found more believable than possibility of Eagles Super Bowl win

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The fireflies out in full effect. 

Philadelphia, PA – The latest episode of WWE’s popular Monday Night Raw was found to be more realistic than the possibility of an Eagles Super Bowl victory by Phillip Thompson, 6, of Cherry Hill.

Thompson, who expressed legitimate anxiety that Roman Reigns would really be fired from the company if he did not defeat Sheamus in the night’s championship match, warned his father to temper expectations of the Eagles making a run in the playoffs, or even making the playoffs at the end of the year.

“I just don’t see it happening, really, they had a nice couple of games but I really think they don’t have much of a chance. Don’t be foolish, ” he warned his dad. “Wow, I hope Bubba Ray Dudley is okay, he went right through that table! I bet he broke his back and is going to be out for a long, long time. I wonder how he’s going to be back next week?”

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Higher power responsible for Miles Austin’s concussion finally revealed after weeks of speculation

E120889F4E1211480686876614656_38101e20c1e.3.1.6772149812656746849.mp4Philadelphia, PA – In a stunning turn of events, WWE Chairman and Owner Vince McMahon delivered a shocking message to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin, who has been sidelined with a concussion for the past three weeks.

McMahon finally revealed that it was him, it was him all along, the higher power who gave the oft-injured receiver his latest concussion.

The dastardly McMahon revealed the truth at last night’s Monday Night Raw. The jarring video was caught on tape. WARNING, the contents are disturbing.

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