This Sunday WWE is hosting its annual Royal Rumble pay-per-view, by far the most entertaining wrestling event ever created. For those unfamiliar with the sport of wrestling, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.
It’s insanely entertaining and popular with fans, so it got us thinking at The Coggin Toboggan. Who in this city would win in an All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble?
WHAT A QUESTION! Don’t be surprised, it’s why you come to this blog, to read educated and intelligent material such as this.
The 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble will only include coaches, media personnel, blogger, mascots, and behind the scenes employees of the four major sports.
No athletes will be included, because it would kill me to try and think of something funny to say about Sam Bradford being in something like this. Uhhh….every move he throws gets intercepted? God that’s stupid.
So here it is. We’ve identified 25 competitors, written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate.
Ladies and gentleman, the 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble.
Could it be held anywhere else? The original ECW Arena at 2300 S. Swanson Street in South Philly has seen more concussions over its years of existence than one quarter of an NFL game (topical humor for the win).
Honestly, it’s just the old ECW belt. Still awesome. EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-DUB!
On to the entrants…
1) Spike Eskin (Entrance theme: Bo$$ by Fifth Harmony)
Spike Eskin! Operations Manager of WIP and BOSS of the station. This wiry young man has risen through the sports radio ranks DESPITE his last name. Will possibly be mistaken for one of the ring posts or a broom stick, could be advantageous.
Trademark maneuver: Swanton Bomb off the midday show.
2) Howard Eskin (Entrance theme: Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon)
Howard Eskin! Former midday host at WIP who was driven away in shame. Father of Spike. Will he coexist with his power hungry son? We shall see. May be a werewolf, or just stuck in the middle of a werewolf transformation.
Trademark maneuver: Salt throw to the eye.
3) Angelo Cataldi (Entrance theme: Creep by Radiohead)
Angelo Cataldi! Host of the WIP morning show and top dog of sports talk radio in Philadelphia for decades. Resident creep of the tournament, the grungy old man will look to skeeve out competitors with inappropriate stories and a dated world view.
Trademark maneuver: Dead eyed stares at underage interns.
4) Al Morganti (Entrance theme: I’m Shippin’ up to Boston by the Dropkick Murphys)
Al Morganti! Co-host with Angelo Cataldi of the WIP Morning Show. Originally from Boston, so will likely fight dirty and will likely be shit-faced.
Trademark maneuver: Boston Crab.
5) Rhea Hughes (Entrance theme: Only Happy when it Rains by Garbage)
Rhea Hughes! A third co-host of the WIP morning show to form the WIP Morning Show stable, a fearsome stable of over-the-hill sports talk show hosts that have long been irrelevant, but revered, in Philadelphia. Has hung out with Morganti and Cataldi almost every day for past 25 years, so you know she can take a punch.
Trademark maneuver: Sit down powerbomb into a discussion about “where this relationship is going”
6) Franklin the Dog (Entrance theme: Atomic Dog by George Clinton)
Franklin! Lets be honest, the lamest mascot in Philadelphia has no shot at this, just no shot. Sorry Franklin, nobody likes you.
Trademark maneuver: Running bulldog into a cloud of irrelevancy.
FIRST SURPRISE ENTRANT! OH MY GOD THAT’S HIP HOP’S MUSIC!
7) Hip Hop (Entrance theme: Here come the Sixers )
Hip Hop! Oh my god it’s Hip Hop! The former mascot of the 76ers is back and looking to kick some ass. Has promised to give his sweet shades to a young child at ringside, a la Brett the Hitman Hart.
Trademark maneuver: Stompin’ a mudhole in your ass and walkin’ it dry.
8) Marcus Hayes (Entrance theme: That Smell by Lynyrd Skynard)
Marcus Hayes! Ughh…now we’re getting down to it. Marcus Hayes, Eagles beat reporter for the Daily News, is easily the sweatiest competitor entered in the Rumble. The ring just got a thousand times more humid. Pungent and tangy odor may keep competitors away for short period of time.
Trademark maneuver: The thin-skinned stink face
9) Kyle Scott (Entrance theme: Tha Crossroads by Bone Thugs-n-Harmony)
Kyle Scott! Owner and operator of Crossingbroad, the second most popular sports blog in the city. Kyle should keep his head on a swivel, as he’s gained some POWERFUL enemies through his blog. Might be at a disadvantage if snow caps and sunglasses are not allowed in the event.
Trademark maneuver: Elbow drop from top rope onto a pile of WIP and Fanatic ratings books.
10) Jim Adair (Entrance theme: You Don’t Mess Around with Jim by Jim Croce)
Jim Adair! Second in command at Crossingbroad and resident hipster of the Rumble. Was into Royal Rumbles before they became all “cool” and “mainstream.” Dark sunglasses worn indoors may impede vision, but appearance is an absolute must overall.
Trademark maneuver: It’s probably too obscure for you to know what it is.
ANOTHER SURPRISE ENTRANT….OH MY GOD, IT CAN’T BE!
11) Do I really have to say who it is?
Ric Flair! The Nature Boy himself! The kiss stealing, wheeling dealing, jet flying, profiling, high styling, limousine riding son of a gun is here, in Philadelphia! He is strutting into our hearts and sweeping us off our feet.
Trademark maneuver: Knife edge chop (Woooooooooooooooooooo!)
12) Les Bowen (Entrance theme: Here Comes the Boogeyman by Henry Hall)
Les Bowen! Resident crank and favorite senior citizen of the Coggin Toboggan. Approximate age, oh, about 87. Full of piss and vinegar. Plenty of old man strength. Don’t sleep on him.
Trademark maneuver: Nerve pinch righ into the Social Security office
13) Glen Macnow (Entrance Theme: Whiskey Bar by The Doors)
Glen Macnow! He’s your good pal, Glen Macnow! Good friend of Ray Didinger, Macnow has steered himself away from a full-time gig at WIP and now blogs about beer, owns a bar, and probably drinks too much beer. Hopefully he won’t be driving to the event.
Trademark maneuver: Last Call into alcoholics anonymous.
14) Rob Ellis (Entrance theme: B.O.B. by Outkast)
Rob Ellis! He blocked us on Twitter almost a year ago, so you know he has absolutely no chance to win this thing. Still waiting on that BOB mug, Robby.
Trademark maneuver: Alabama Slam into a cancelled morning television show.
15) Mike Missanelli (Entrance theme: Loser by Beck)
Mike Missanelli! What an absolute turd. Would have been relevant if this was held 10, 15 years ago. Did he ever get out of that vault he was trapped in last week? Someone ask Jason Myrtetus, please, he seemed to enjoy it when we did.
Trademark maneuver: None. Whining, maybe?
16) Dei Lynam (Entrance theme: Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.)
Dei Lynam! Daughter of Philadelphia legend Jim Lynam. Dei has carved a nice little niche out for herself in the Philadelphia sports landscape. Once beat up Matt Geiger in a back alley brawl after she felt he wasn’t giving 100% in a preseason game in 2000.
Trademark maneuver: Tombstone piledriver to get out of her father’s shadow.
17) Paul Jolovitz (Entrance theme: Teenage Dirtbag by Wheetus)
Paul Jolovitz! Gonna be real honest with this one, I just love his Twitter profile picture (seen above) and him coming into the event accompanied by Wheetus playing Teenage Dirtbag just tickles me pink. Give em’ hell, Jolly!
Trademark maneuver: Triple jump moonsault off the top rope of obscurity.
18) Josh Innes (Jump Around by House of Pain)
Josh Innes! Despite being suspended for three days by WIP, Josh was able to make it to the event. He’s been a naughty boy and hopefully hasn’t been watching “Mississippi Burning” as of late to get any bad ideas.
Trademark maneuver: Taking racial equality training courses.
SURPRISE ENTRANT! THE CROWD POPS THE LOUDEST IT HAS ALL NIGHT!
19) The Philadelphia Phanatic (Entrance theme: Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John)
The Philadelphia Phanatic! ::sticks out tongue, shakes stomach, shines head of bald man::
Trademark maneuver(s): All of the above to the delight of everyone in the city.
20) Ava Graham (Entrance theme: Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin)
Daughter of Big Daddy Graham and probably the best trivia host in and around South Jersey. Single handedly brought down Lesean McCoy and his horrible tipping practices during his time in Philadelphia.
Trademark maneuver: Yelling at people who argue Quizzo answers.
21) Big Daddy Graham (Entrance theme: Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf)
Big Daddy Graham! Glasses game is unreal. Overnight man for WIP. Hopefully he’ll be able to stay awake for the entire event.
Trademark Maneuver: Choke slam at sunrise.
22) Chris Wheeler (Entrance theme: Talkin’ Baseball by Terry Cashman)
Chris Wheeler! Hey gang, it’s me, Chris Wheeler! What say we hit a few off the back foot and put up some crooked numbers out there, right gang! Woah, look out down there, hope everyone is ok.
Trademark Maneuver: Trying to smother hall of fame announcers in their sleep.
23) Vincent K. McMahon (Entrance theme: No Chance in Hell)
Vincent K. McMahon! It was me Coggin, it was me all along!
Trademark Maneuver: Low blow from the Higher Power.
24) Chip Kelly (Entrance theme: San Francisco by Scott McKenzie)
Chip Kelly! We can’t get rid of this guy! Came back from San Francisco to just rub it in everyone’s face. Just awful.
Trademark Maneuver: Three and outs.
25) The CEO (Entrance theme: Eat It by Weird Al Yankovic)
Did you really think I wouldn’t be entering this contest?! That’d I’d leave this all up to chance?! I GOT TOO MUCH JUICE LEFT! I GOT A LOT LEFT IN THE TANK!
Trademark Maneuver(s): Not living up to expectations and disappointing everyone.
• Spike Eskin and Howard Eskin wait for Angelo Cataldi to enter the ring, who valiantly fends off the Eskins until reinforcements come from Al Morganti and Rhea Hughes. The morning crew eliminates both Eskins (though a keen eyed observed would note Howard was not eliminated as he actually went through the second and third ropes, and then hid under the ring). While celebrating, Hughes clotheslines both Morganti and Cataldi, eliminating them from contention. Hughes stands talls.
• Franklin and Hip Hop enter next and duke it out to HUGE pops from the crowd, as Hughes catches a breather. Marcus Hayes enters, dripping sweat through is tank top, and is immediately back dropped over the ropes by Hip Hop. Kyle Scott and Jim Adair enter and begin an all out brawl with the remaining competitors, before all four team up against Hughes and eliminate her to the disdain of a rabid crowd.
• Hip Hop and Franklin eliminate each other and brawl up the concourse. Ric Flair enters and knife edge chops Scott and Adair to WOOOS from the crowd.
• Bowen, Macnow, Ellis all enter and trade shots with Adair, Scott and Flair. Bowen screams at Scott and Adair about how bloggers are not real journalists while delivering HEAVY British uppercuts. Missanelli’s music hits and he enters the ring and immediately falls into fetal position and grabs the bottom rope. Competitors wrench him from ropes and dump him into third row.
• Dei Lynam struts to the ring with her trusty 2×4 and cracks Macnow and Ellis over the skull, eliminating both in rapid succession. To the surprise of everyone, Adair throws an unexpected shot at ally Scott. The partners look at each other in disbelief and start to brawl, taking their fight to the top of a turnbuckle, trading punches before simultaneously throwing each other over for a double elimination. Lynam catches Flair with a kick to the groin and tosses him over top rope for a TREMENDOUS upset elimination. Bowen and Lynam throw haymakers for the next five minutes and have both been busted open, as the crowd freaks out.
• Jolovitz, Innes and the Phanatic are next. The Phanatic sticks his tongue out at each remaining competitor and smashes a NY Mets helmet with a sledgehammer to the delight of the crowd. Innes and Jolovitz are too amused and don’t see Lynam and Bowen before it’s too late. They’re booted in the stomach and gorilla pressed over the ropes and onto the floor.
• The Grahams are up next and clean house. Big Daddy puts Bowen up on his shoulders and Ava delivers a DEVASTATING Doomsday Device. Big Daddy irish whips Bowen over the ropes, but while he and Ava celebrate the Phanatic double clothes lines each up and out of the ring, leaving him as the remaining competitor.
• Chris Wheeler strolls to the ring with a baseball bat, taking his sweet time, and delivers several sharp shots to the Phanatic’s midsection, explaining how he kept himself centered and swung through the zone for each swing. He’s followed by McMahon and Kelly, who is met with thunderous boos from the Philadelphia crowd. The four brawl for what seems like hours until….
• The lights go down and a dull roar starts to swell up from the bowels of the ECW arena, soon becoming overwhelming. The competitors stop fighting as Weird Al’s Eat It echoes through the historic grapplearium. The CEO appears from behind the curtain to a deafening din of applause, as the fans greet their hero. Embodied by their support, the fearless leader and creator of the Coggin Toboggan sprints to the ring, slides under the top rope, and is immediately power bombed by the Phanatic and thrown out of the ring for the quickest elimination in the Rumble. He has brought shame and disgrace on his family for generations to come.
The Phanatic, Wheeler, Kelly, and McMahon circle each other cautiously, before everyone turns on Wheeler and beats him mercilessly. McMahon grabs Wheeler’s toupee and throws it into the crowd, forcing the announcer to jump over the top rope and eliminate himself for fear of people seeing him as he really is. Kelly and the Phanatic then turn again McMahon, delivering heavy double team offense until they send the owner of WWE tumbling onto the floor below.
Facing each other now as the final two, Kelly gains the upper hand to the horror of the crowd, slapping on a Figure Four and mocking the Phanatic who is writhing about in pain, slapping him across the face. Releasing the hold, Kelly delivers a brutal top rope elbow and a sit out powerbomb, before forcing the Phanatic to his feet and leading him over to the ropes for an assured elimination.
However, before he can eliminate the Phanatic, Howard Eskin reappears from under the ring with a sackful of salt and throws a handful into Kelly’s eyes. As the two brawl, the Phanatic climbs to the top ropes and delivers a vicious missile drop kick to Kelly and Eskin, sending the two heathens through several strategically placed boards covered in thumbtacks and barbed wire.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR 2016 ALL-PHILADELPHIA ROYAL RUMBLE CHAMPION!
My money was on Linnehan.
Never a good bet for your money.