Philadelphia, PA – The normally reserved and happy-go-lucky Doug Pederson took quite a turn Friday, as the new head coach called an impromptu press conference and tore into the media as he proclaimed himself the “newest head coach and big swinging dick in this god forsaken town.”

Pederson leaned forward in a fine leather chair, stroking a tabby cat, while asserting his dominance over the entire room at the Novacare Center.

After five minutes of silence, he sighed and finally addressed the gathered media.

“I’ve read what you daisies have already written about me in these rags that used to be respectable papers. Happy? Easy going? I can assure you, I am none of these things. I ruled Kansas City with an iron fist, and I can tell you that this will NOT be a pleasant experience for any of you if you cross me again,” Pederson said.

He leaned back, his arms folded in his lap, nobody making any noise at all.

“Good, I see we’re on the same page. You want to know why I didn’t run a hurry up offense in that last quarter of the Patriots game? It’s none of your god damn business, that’s why. I had my reasons, and none of you pathetic peons deserve an explanation.”

He placed the cat on the ground and pointed a finger at the entire room, raising his eyebrows slightly.

“Besides, if I had to explain the game of football to you halfwits I wouldn’t be able to do the job Mr. Lurie hired me for. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a football team to run, not babysit a bunch of pussies looking for answers,” he said.

At press time, Jeff McClane asked Pederson if he knew who Lurie would hire as a director of player personnel, and he received a slap across the face for his insolence.