The XFL. The PINNACLE of professional football in America. Such vaunted men of lore whose names are still spoken in hushed tones across the great gridirons in this fine country. Tommy Maddox! Mike Furrey! Uhh….uhhhh…..that He Hate Me guy! Remember him?! He was fun!
It’s a league steeped in fine football tradition….and wrestling. Please don’t forget about the wrestling.
So when I saw on Twitter that Vince McMahon would PERSONALLY be reading applications for coaches and players when the XFL kicks off again in 2020, well, I figured it would be my one shot at glory. Plus, they’re taking applications through LinkedIn, and guess who has a scarcely visited profile he created more than a decade ago……THIS GUY.
I’m not a sucker though. I’m 36, I still have plenty left in the tank, but I think these men, these WARRIORS would find my wisdom to be much more valuable than what I could do physically next to them on the XFL field. I have so much to teach….so why not be a coach? Also, my doctor told me if I sustain one more concussion I very well may fall into a deep, dark coma and never return, so this seems like a win-win on so many levels.
Check out my very real application to the XFL after the jump. You can apply here too if you like.
(Transcripts added of my responses so you actually see it this time)
Years Coached at Level: 36 years in the most competitive league of all…..life.
Offensive System: Other.
If Other, please explain: Exotic Run and Gun Spread Pistol Board and Horde Cashin’ Checks and Breakin’ Necks Split offense – A design of my own creation consisting of nothing but hook and laterals, triple reverses and fullback dives. Mandatory trash talk after every first down. Ruthless, ruthless insults to opposing defenses designed to cut to the core of everything good and pure in this world. Total and utter domination of the mind, body and spirit…and a few flea flickers mixed in for good measure.
Defensive System: Other.
If Other, please explain: The Blitzkrieg 2.0 – Another defense of my own creation. Basically a 7-0-4, all-out blitz on every play leaving the secondary out to dry EVERY SINGLE THROW. Either a sack, a run for a loss, or a 78-yard touchdown BOMB on every play. The brilliance is in its simplicity…when we give up 600-yards of total defense every week, the secondary will be built in scapegoats for me to keep my job for another year. I CAN ONLY COACH THEM, I CAN’T BE OUT ON THE FIELD PLAYING FOR THEM, GANG.
Agent Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Which U.S. State are you located at: New Jersey.
Why are you passionate about coaching for the XFL: It’s always been my dream to legally be allowed to put professional athletes into sharpshooters and Olympic Slam them through tables when they don’t perform up to expectations, which I assume will be perfectly acceptable in the XFL. You know, really have the opportunity to put those MEAT HEADS in their place, win one for the little guy. I eagerly await the chance to hold my position of power over my athletes and employees’ heads like the Sword of Damocles…never letting them know when the blade will come crashing down to RUIN THEIR SHIT.
Please provide any links or information regarding your social media presence: Please…@coggintoboggan and http://email@example.com are the only two sites you need to see, Vince. Vince, if you are reading this, I’m also available to map out the next 10-years of WWE story lines. Here’s a preview….Year 5 – Doink the Clown WWE Universal Champion. Year 10 – Undertaker funeral/comeback match.
It’s been fun, but I will not hesitate to leave all you LOSERS behind when I get this job. I’ll be sure to spit on all of you when I’m flying to games in my dear and personal friend Vince McMahon’s private jet.
So long jackasses. I wish I could say it’s been fun, but it definitely hasn’t.
…………………………..please buy 76ers gear if I don’t become an XFL coach. I’ll need all of you more than ever if that happens. I love you.