Found this on Twitter this morning while looking for Kendall Jenner’s Instagram post of the letter Ben Simmons wrote her after they broke up. Don’t worry, she crossed out Ben’s name in the letter so nobody would ever know it was him writing her a sappy letter spewed forth from the broken heart of a man who just wants to love a girl….THIS GIRL….right in front of him.

I guess it’s ok, she only has 100,000,000 followers on her IG account, so I’m sure nobody saw it.

Looking for the letter on Twitter, I stumbled across this conversation from European super fans of Harry Styles who are VERY nervous that their young crooner is trying to reignite the flame with ex-Jenner and who obviously have no idea who this boorish Ben Simmons fellow is.

INTRIGUING! I agree though, Harry does seem like the kind of person who wouldn’t want his personal business posted online. It’s probably some boorish American basketballer, not the velvety voiced Styles.

Rawr! Catty!

And here’s where things officially tip over from normal fandom to creepy in the snap of a finger…

Sorry, you are *that* person officially. Less investigation went into analyzing the Zodiac Killer letters. When you start to compare the way Harry Styles writes his “G’s” you may be in need of some professional psychiatric help. I mean, who am I to give advice, but if find yourself taking out a magnifying glass to analyze the the swoop of his B’s than you may be more than just a few tweaks away from a clean bill of mental health.

Great point! HE IS THE DULCET, ROMANTIC VOICE OF A GENERATION! He would never write something so corny and obtuse.

Take these lyrics from Harry Styles classic “Two Ghosts” for instance:

The fridge light washes this room white
Moon dances over your good side
This was all we used to need

That’s so gorgeous. I’ve never felt that way about refrigerator light before.

I love the ” ….racist” line. Let’s pause for effect……beautiful…..and now RACIST.

And finally, one genius cracks the code of the mystery love letter.

PHEW! Just some loser named Ben Simmons, ladies, not Harry. THANK GOODNESS.

Need to step in here though, Santa Tiff, and defend my boy Simmons. Simmons is the pride of Philadelphia and poured his heart out into that letter and I’ll be DAMNED if I sit here and let you trash his good name from across the pond.

You think Harry Styles can average 15-9-7 in the NBA? I THINK NOT. His court vision is lacking and Simmons would murder him in the low post. You think that crooner could handle him in the block? One pump fake, a drop-step, and he’d be on his ass in front of 20,000 at the Wells Fargo Center as Simmons viciously dunks all over him. It would be humiliating and he’d never recover.

Simmons is your new god now. Go buy his jersey using the link below and worship at his feet.