Miles Austin

Miles Austin takes wrong route to press conference, gets intercepted by street toughs

Miles+Austin+GQ+XLV+Super+Bowl+Party+Inside+zl13BUtWc60lPhiladelphia, PA – On his way to a press conference Monday afternoon to address the media after he was cut, former Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin took an incorrect route and somehow ended up in Camden.

The befuddled wide receiver wandered through the dangerous streets for nearly 45 minutes before disappearing.

Neither team representatives or family members had any idea how Austin had gotten away from his professional handlers, who routinely have to remind him about team functions, practices, games, and specific plays after they are called for in game.

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Ryan Mathews in doghouse after 63-yard touchdown run

Eagles' Ryan Matthews celebrates scoring his first-quarter touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens in a preseson game on Saturday, August 22, 2015 in Philadelphia. ( DAVID MAIALETTI / Staff Photographer )

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly benched Ryan Mathews last night during the Eagles 16-27 loss against the Carolina Panthers in favor of DeMarco Murray, who seemed a step slow all night and hesitant to hit holes opened by the Eagles meager offensive line.

The normally reserved Kelly did not shy away from media questions during his post-game press conference last night in Carolina.

“It was unacceptable. He blatantly defied orders to look confused and hesitant when he received a handoff, he didn’t fall down at the slightest bit of contact, and he didn’t meekly tip toe out of bounds five yards behind the line of scrimmage when faced with a linebacker,” Kelly said.

“It’s why he didn’t see the field for more than a few plays after that. It’s all about the system we run in Philadelphia, and he didn’t fit that tonight,” Kelly said.

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Miles Austin takes walk down injury lane at Monmouth University
Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

West Long Branch, NJ – A smile appeared on Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin’s face when he emerged from the team bus this afternoon. He was, after all, returning to the university where he spent four glorious, injury ravaged years before making his way into professional football.

Austin, the university’s all-time record holder for receiving yards with 2,867, fondly recalled some of his more debilitating injuries on the Monmouth University football field.

“Looking back on it, the excruciating pain I felt almost every day of my life here is next to nothing from what I suffer through now, but it really helped me get ready for my professional career,” Austin said, as he limped towards the practice field.

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Higher power responsible for Miles Austin’s concussion finally revealed after weeks of speculation

E120889F4E1211480686876614656_38101e20c1e.3.1.6772149812656746849.mp4Philadelphia, PA – In a stunning turn of events, WWE Chairman and Owner Vince McMahon delivered a shocking message to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin, who has been sidelined with a concussion for the past three weeks.

McMahon finally revealed that it was him, it was him all along, the higher power who gave the oft-injured receiver his latest concussion.

The dastardly McMahon revealed the truth at last night’s Monday Night Raw. The jarring video was caught on tape. WARNING, the contents are disturbing.

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Miles Austin fails physical to join Eagles food craft service team

Miles+Austin+GQ+XLV+Super+Bowl+Party+Inside+zl13BUtWc60lPhiladelphia, PA – After being transported from emergency surgery for a torn hamstring and two snapped ulnas, Miles Austin made it to Philadelphia and promptly failed a physical to join the Eagles food craft service.

Austin was brought in to fill the void created when Susie Gold retired from her longtime post at the hotdog stand in the main atrium of the stadium. It was found after a lengthy examination by team doctors that Austin could not be expected to withstand the rigors of 8 days of employment during the upcoming season.

“We found Mr. Austin could not remain standing in an upright position for 30 consecutive minutes and failed several tests to bring down a bag of hotdog buns from a supply shelf two feet over his head,” said Peter F. DeLuca, head orthopaedic surgeon for the Philadelphia Eagles. “He suffered from large spans of vertigo and asked where he was several times during the interview process.”

The deal would have brought him in to serve hotdogs for each home game at a rate of $7 per hour.

Despite failing the physical, Austin said he would not quit his dream to get back into football at any capacity.

As of press time, Austin was hit by a hot dog bun delivery truck as he left the stadium.

Breaking: Everything on Miles Austin

austinPhiladelphia, PA – Oft injured wide receiver Miles Austin was scheduled to visit the Eagles brass this afternoon as part of a potential signing. However, he never even made it on the plane, as he tore both hamstrings after he stepped on the tarmac.

As he writhed on the tarmac, he was accidentally run over by a distracted airline employee driving a luggage truck to a departing flight. Austin apparently suffered snapped ulnas in both arms as he tried to shield himself from the oncoming vehicle.

Austin was also doused with 65 gallons of human excrement as a nearby plane accidentally released its latrine containers on the runway.

An employee described the scene as “humorous” in a “human misery type of way.” Emergency responders could only attempt to stifle chuckles as they scraped Austin off of the tarmac.

Upon hearing the news, Sam Bradford promptly dislocated both elbows and fell down a 55 foot flight of stairs.