(I wrote this last week after Trump took part in the turkey pardon…never got around to posting it. Enjoy!)
Every year, while thousands of turkeys are killed for Thanksgiving, the president pardons a turkey of his own to be spared the ax during the holiday season. It’s a delightful piece of pomp and circumstance where children are taught a valuable lesson that the most gorgeous and appealing of us are rewarded, while the rest of us slobs are doomed to live out the rest of our days wallowing in our filth, with only the reprieve of death to look forward to.
President Trump continued the tradition yesterday and pardoned Wishbone and Drumstick, two lovely turkeys who will no doubt levy sexual harassment charges against the president in the near future.
It’s an interesting tradition…wiping a turkey’s slate clean and sparing them from any harm. But other than being delightful to look at, did any of these turkeys actually DO anything worthwhile to be pardoned? Who is ever worthy of a pardon?
Is anyone worthy of a pardon that Philadelphia and its fans have sentenced to death? This city has sentenced so many of its own athletes, coaches and media members to the gas chamber over the years…but are any of them worthy of a call from the governor before midnight strikes?
FREEFALL. That’s the only word to describe our guest pickers performance these past few weeks. We’re getting killed, KILLED in these stupid predictions after just completely flying out of the gates. Three straight incorrect win/loss predictions and two straight against the spread.
Frankly, I’m embarrassed that we’ve chosen these pickers to come on our website, give you, the reader, some important gambling predictions, only to have them completely blow it and make a mockery of everything we hold dear.
But do you feel it? I feel it. A change in the air. Let’s turn this sinking ship around with the Eagles (+1.5) vs. The Vikings in Philadelphia this weekend. It’s the return of Sammy Sleeves, which can only mean one thing….
Mike Zimmer is looking for an edge in Philadelphia.
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Vikings Head Coach Mike Zimmer said he would not hesitate to go to Sam Bradford for extra information as the Vikings travel to Philadelphia for a week 7 matchup.
Bradford of course spent last season with the Eagles before being traded to Minnesota prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season.
“Why wouldn’t we ask Sam about Philly? He spent an entire year there, he knows the ins and outs of Philadelphia…he knows all the best hot spots to hit up in Old City, the best sandwich places, and he totally told us about this one place on South Street that will sell you dime bags if you tell the guy a secret code word by the poster section…that’s inside information you can’t get from watching tape,” Zimmer said.
Kansas City – Second string Kansas City Chief quarterback Nick Foles, watching highlights of former Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and current Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz, shook his head and muttered dejectedly to himself after another week of not getting off the sidelines.
After seeing the highlight of Wentz side-stepping a rusher, running along the line of scrimmage, and finding Darren Sproles for a 73-yard touchdown to seal a win against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Foles couldn’t help but find fault in the play.
What a debut last week from our inaugural picker for the 2016-2017 Philadelphia Eagles season. Chris Wheeler just BACK LEGGED it out of the park for us, successfully predicting the Eagles would defeat the Browns and cover the spread in week one.
That magnificent toupeed bastard looked middle in and absolutely crushed his prediction.
But we tread on, bringing in yet another special guest to make our picks in week 2. Will he or she be as spot on as Wheels was in week 1? We’ll see Monday night when the Eagles take on the Bears during Monday Night Football (ALLLLLLLL YOUR ROWDY FRIENDS ON MONDAY NIGHT) in week 2.
Here’s our record so far:
Win/Loss prediction record: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
But who have we brought in to make the week 2 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?
Weight of the world on your shoulders, big guy. No pressure.
Philadelphia, PA – Sources have confirmed that a fidgety, nervously chuckling Carson Wentz can’t keep telling teammates how great it is that he’s going to start against the Cleveland Browns on Sunday.
The first-year quarterback has reportedly been telling teammates at the NovaCare Complex nonstop that he can’t wait for Sunday to come and how his career path has taken a rapidly accelerated route in just the past several days.
“I’m pumped. It’s just so great I’m starting on Sunday, really, really great. I mean, it’s beyond great. It’s what I’ve worked for my entire life,” Wentz told tight end Brent Celek in the NovaCare weight room as he tied and re-tied a jump rope over and over again, severely fraying the cord of rope.
What a day to be alive in Philadelphia. It’s not hot, the Eagles are merely days away from opening their 2016-2017 season, and one of the most decorated broadcasters in the city’s history reached an impressive milestone in his career over the Labor Day Weekend.
Vaunted waffler Angelo Cataldi, co-host of the 94 WIP Morning Show, successfully flip-flopped on yet another opinion after Sam Bradford was traded to the Minnesota Vikings this weekend.
It’s the 1 millionth flip-flop of Cataldi’s career. He joins noted wafflers Howard Eskin, Ike Reese, and Anthony Gargano to reach this pinnacle of broadcasting success in Philadelphia.
The countdown for his career milestone began on April 25, when record keepers noted Cataldi notched his 999,999th flip-flop when he threatened to drive Sam Bradford to the airport himself, and then three days later tweeted the Eagles shouldn’t trade the young quarterback.
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Just days after arriving in Minnesota as part of a blockbuster trade over the weekend, the Vikings were forced to place Sam Bradford on the IR after an elk wandered onto the practice field and trampled an unaware Bradford into the turf.
Bradford, who was wearing headphones during the pre-practice stretch, did not hear warning from his teammates as a wild elk somehow broke into the practice facility and stampeded towards the 28-year-old quarterback.
Philadelphia, PA – Just moments after a deal sent Sam Bradford to the Minnesota Vikings for a first round pick in 2017 and a fourth round pick in 2018, an overly confident Chase Daniel proclaimed that the “mother fucking era of Chase Daniel has begun.”
Daniel, who called a press conference on his own 10 minutes after the Bradford trade was announced, donned a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses before confidently addressing the media in attendance.
Doug Pederson feels he has a good play-calling system in place now.
Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of their first 2016 preseason contest against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, newly minted Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson has begun the process of sending in his first series of plays to quarterback Sam Bradford, with the hope that they’ll arrive by the start of the game.
Pederson, who has already faced criticism from fans and the media for his antiquated method of calling a play into the offense, said he has corrected his methods.
“We reviewed our play calling process and we feel like we really have the system down now. Should be a good game tonight, better start calling in those plays now,” Pederson said.