FREEFALL. That’s the only word to describe our guest pickers performance these past few weeks. We’re getting killed, KILLED in these stupid predictions after just completely flying out of the gates. Three straight incorrect win/loss predictions and two straight against the spread.
Frankly, I’m embarrassed that we’ve chosen these pickers to come on our website, give you, the reader, some important gambling predictions, only to have them completely blow it and make a mockery of everything we hold dear.
But do you feel it? I feel it. A change in the air. Let’s turn this sinking ship around with the Eagles (+1.5) vs. The Vikings in Philadelphia this weekend. It’s the return of Sammy Sleeves, which can only mean one thing….
Win/loss prediction results: 2-3
Against the spread: 3-2
What a time it is to be alive! My boy Sammy is 5-0, we’re sitting on top of the NFC North, and he’s finally playing like the number one overall pick he was so many years ago. Life is good.
For all you mouth breathing Philadelphia fans that actually think Sammy is going to falter under pressure this weekend, think again. My man is BORN AGAIN HARD after escaping your diverse, exciting city to settle down in the bland, milquetoast universe that is Minneapolis, Minnesota. It’s all white toast and white milk out here, baby, just like Sammy likes it. In bed by 9 p.m. and up at 5 a.m. to greet the day.
Did I mention it’s fabulous sleeves weather right now? You can’t ask for much more. A stiff, cool breeze to feel myself unfurling and flapping like a bird taking flight (unlike the birds who have met their untimely demise at the hands of our new stadium).
Here in Minnesota the polite mid-westerners don’t look down on me, they don’t question Sammy as to why I’m so unnecessarily long and billowy. They accept me for who I am and don’t write obnoxious columns about how “nerdy” it is that Sam wears me like this.
Viva Minnesota, fuck Philadelphia.
Prediction: Minnesota 28, Philadelphia 16.