Cleveland Browns

Collective response of Philadelphia watching Carson Wentz win his debut

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Unbelievable debut from the young man. 278 yards, two touchdowns….he looked poised, he looked under control and he looked sexy in an Eagles jersey.

Some real quick thoughts:

RGIII is a bum and Doug Pederson is a genius. No two ways about it.

Wentz will throw for over 5,000 yards, run for another 1,000 yards and throw 45+ TDs.

I don’t want to overreact, but the Eagles are going 16-0 and are winning the Super Bowl. It’s obvious.

 

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Who will make our Eagles picks this season?

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RIP Snickers the Possum. We hardly knew ye. (2015-2016)

What a conundrum. Just two days from the start of the Eagles 2016-2017 season and we have no columnist to pick games for us. Last year, as everyone knows, we employed Snickers, an anthropomorphic possum, to serve as our official Eagles handicapper. The lovable little scamp quickly scittered his way into our collective hearts and became a fan favorite.

Unfortunately, he was terrible at picking games. TERRIBLE. I’m not sure he picked a single game correctly through the five weeks we allowed him to pick games last year. He had terrible jokes, awful possum puns, he would play dead whenever we tried to tell him he needed to improve his performance….it was frustrating.

So after smashing his head on a rock, we abandoned our game predictions and vowed to never do it again.

But it’s a new year. New grass on the field, a new quarterback at the helm, so why don’t we try this again?

But who will make our Eagles picks now? Well, we decided to bring in SPECIAL GUESTS each and every week to share their knowledge with us, their wisdom, and hopefully not sue the website for using their likeness and making fun of them to pick football games.

But who is up first this season…..?

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Carson Wentz: “It’s just so great I’m starting on Sunday. Really, really great you guys. Really great.”

NFL: Preseason-Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Philadelphia Eagles

Weight of the world on your shoulders, big guy. No pressure.

Philadelphia, PA – Sources have confirmed that a fidgety, nervously chuckling Carson Wentz can’t keep telling teammates how great it is that he’s going to start against the Cleveland Browns on Sunday.

The first-year quarterback has reportedly been telling teammates at the NovaCare Complex nonstop that he can’t wait for Sunday to come and how his career path has taken a rapidly accelerated route in just the past several days.

“I’m pumped. It’s just so great I’m starting on Sunday, really, really great. I mean, it’s beyond great. It’s what I’ve worked for my entire life,” Wentz told tight end Brent Celek in the NovaCare weight room as he tied and re-tied a jump rope over and over again, severely fraying the cord of rope.

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REPORT: Howie Roseman addressed Eagles roster before blockbuster trade

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Roseman broke the news of the blockbuster trade to the roster before it was made public.

Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman addressed the entirety of the Eagles roster earlier today moments before he revealed the organizations decision to trade up for Cleveland’s second overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft.

 

According to several reports, Roseman called the roster together and addressed them about the transaction.

“Today we felt we had received an offer from the Browns that was too good to pass up. We gave away several draft picks this year and several more in the year’s to come. Obviously this will definitely mean some changes to our roster,” Roseman said.

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RumorBot 2.0 debuts and predicts the next Eagles head coach

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Definitely not RumorBot 2.0. You have to see him after the jump.

The  Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.

They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.

I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.

But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.

We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.

The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.

After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

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Editor’s Note: Expect everything and anything for tonight

Philadelphia, PA – It’s an exciting night for Philadelphia, as weeks of tension and debate have led to this moment and this event that will undoubtedly leave thousands of rabid Philadelphia fans on the edge of their seats, clutching their remotes and hanging on every word.

There are a number of different scenarios that could happen tonight, so why don’t we take a moment to just run over some things that have happened in the past weeks and see where we could all end up?

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